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My 40th birthday and FIL and MIL

(27 Posts)
OnlyMe1971 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:25:34

Try to keep it short. My 40th birthday approaches and we are thinking of throwing a party for it, with around 60 guests. We don't live in the UK so some of my close family will come over here for the party. However, I am not sure what to do about FIL and MIL. We get along ok, but we are not bosom buddies at all. I tolerate them, they are nice people but to be honest I don't feel comfortable with htem, never have and always have felt they don't really like me or approve of me for some reason. They are snobbish and very far up their own bums and have a habit of looking down on people.
For reasons above, I don't want to ask them to my 40th. They would have to travel for it, and they would. In fact, the last party we had they came over for it and it kind of ruined the weekend for me.

Also, my parents don't really get along with them so my parents will definitely not come if they know in laws will be here too.

But I just feel guilty and would feel awful if they find out we've thrown this big party and not invited them. They are fairly pleasant to me and make me feel welcome in their home but we never really go beyond pleasantries really.

DH doesn't mind if I don't invite them but hten I can't invite his siblings either which I don't want as they are quite good fun.

I feel in a quandry. Should I just invite them and hope they don't turn up or is that bu?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 11-Jul-11 21:28:06

If you don't invite them and they find out about it - what will happen? I think that has the potential to cause a big problem.

What about inviting them for a meal instead of to the party? You can say that you thought they'd prefer to go for a quiet meal than suffer a big bash full of people they don't know from adam.

Make it sound like you are doing them a favour.

HerHissyness Mon 11-Jul-11 21:28:08

Could you not invite them the week after for a quieter time? Excuse being that you'd be rushing about and wouldn't have proper time for them?

Or you could sell it as a 80s rave... fancy dress? that ought to put them off... grin

deliciousdevilwoman Mon 11-Jul-11 21:31:42

They are fairly pleasant to me and make me feel welcome in their home but we never really go beyond pleasantries really

Then why can't you extend the same courtesy to them? These are your DH's parents, FGS! I also can't believe that he isn't affronted by your wish to exclude his parents.

Invite them. They may not turn up. And if they do, there will be 50 odd other guests to divert your attention from them.

squeakytoy Mon 11-Jul-11 21:34:10

There will be 58 other people there for them to talk to... you dont need to really spend very much time with them at all.

They are your family, whether you like it or not, so really, you should invite them.

RunAwayWife Mon 11-Jul-11 21:35:18

Happy birthday to be grin I am 40 in two weeks and have invited Ex MIL as well as DPs mum and Dad.
Ex MIL has known me since I was 14 and is my children's grandmother. It would be unkind to have a family party and not invite her.
I think you should invite your in laws and leave it up to them if they come or not, I am sure your DP would like to see his parents as much as you would like to see yours

OnlyMe1971 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:35:48

I extend the same courtesy to them several times a year when they invite themselves over to our home and expect me to wait on them whilst also looking after my 3 children under 5. So actually, they would only add to my stress on that weekend as they also always insist on staying here in our home. They live in the UK so a flight away from us but still visit us a few times a year at leat.

DH understands that his parents are over bearing and annoying to most people who know them.

pointydog Mon 11-Jul-11 21:36:23

Invite them but don't talk to them other than opening niceties.

I see no problem here.

pointydog Mon 11-Jul-11 21:37:00

Let dh deal with entertaining them.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 11-Jul-11 21:38:43

invite them, while explaining that you'll have 'a house full' and soooo many people will be over for the weekend you'll only be able to see them for the party. Perhaps get DH to hint they might prefer to come over the weekend after so you can see more of them/they can spend time with the DCs.

The party will be full of other people, if your DH's siblings are over too they can take them out/entertain them in the days, so it's only the party. Invite them.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 11-Jul-11 21:40:54

oh, and obviously, the spare rooms in your home are already taken, but they could arrange to be in the same hotel as DH's siblings....

OnlyMe1971 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:42:56

I'm liking the idea of inviting them over for a different weekend so that they can spend proper time with the kids etc.

I think it would be unreasonable not to invite them, so I'll get DH to do the inviting and also to explain that my family will be staying here (have 6 siblings and 4 are definitely comign with their other halves) so at least then they won't be in my hair all weekend. Honestly they drive me nuts on their visits. They never leave the house and just sit around watching me sweat buckets with the kids grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

ohhappyday Mon 11-Jul-11 21:45:58

I agree with pointydog Invite them, don't fuss over them and let DH do entertaining. You could also get him to advise them they need to find alternative accommodation as your place will be full due to the party.

I think it would be very unfair of your folks to turn down invite because in laws were coming - explain it's for your DH and the sake of family peace. If they cant do this for you then I'm sorry but this is another issue you will have to takle

OnlyMe1971 Mon 11-Jul-11 21:48:45

ohhappyday believe me I know about that issue. My parents are looking for an excuse not to come so that will be a perfect excuse for them. That's another story altogether. Luckily my siblings are lovely and all want to be here. DH siblings also lovely so am sure they'll come.

I will talk to my parents over the next few weeks and we'll see.

lateatwork Mon 11-Jul-11 21:53:16

yup- dont have them staying in your house
make sure they also dont just drop in sat morning and stay whole day
arrange breakfast with them on sat and lunch with your folks on the saturday- that way you have spent time with them both- but will be more relaxed after the meal with your parents.

skybluepearl Mon 11-Jul-11 22:01:15

invite them but say they need to find a B&B as you can't look after them - so much to do preperation wise. and anyway Jane (an old friend) is staying dossing down for the night their usual room and then looking after your kids/house while you do all the prep

biscuitmad Mon 11-Jul-11 22:13:18

You could avoid asking both sets of parents by saying you are hiring a disco for the night with really loud music. They might not like the idea of it.

Alternatively get your oh to take time off work when the inlaws arrive and make sure they realise their son will be running around after them all weekend as you have children to look after.

StayFrosty Mon 11-Jul-11 22:17:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan Mon 11-Jul-11 22:22:10

invite the younger generation and "invite" your mum and dad to "look after the children" wink

Kewcumber Mon 11-Jul-11 22:26:28

explain that the house will be full of your siblings/parents/hangers on who will all be room sharing and that they would be much more comfortable with a lovely local hotel and pay for it. Keeps them out of your way.

Merrylegs Mon 11-Jul-11 22:31:35


I can't imagine inviting my parents or PILs to a 40th. Would they really want to come?

Keep it simple and don't invite any parents.

But if you must, you cannot expect them to travel overseas and then not invite them to stay in your house.

That is pretty rude actually, no matter how much you dislike them.

OnlyMe1971 Tue 12-Jul-11 07:59:44

Well, as it stands there are already going to be 20 people in my house that weekend. I think that's enough, don't you?

bubblesincoffee Tue 12-Jul-11 08:20:32

Invite them but say there won't be room for them in your house. I don't think that's rude at all, you are having your own family to stay on your birthday. Provide them with details of a nice hotel nearby, and if they are that bothered about not staying at yours, they can choose not to come.

Annpan88 Tue 12-Jul-11 09:26:44

Maybe invite them but politely explain there is no room to stay as a lot of people are coming?

bobanna Tue 12-Jul-11 11:21:36

I would get DH to have a chat with them, say that your having a party for your 40th but it will be a rowdy and they wont be able to stay with you, as you have 20 people staying over.
They are more than welcome to come for the party and stay in a hotel but you would understand if it isn't really their thing and would they prefer to come on x date instead to stay with you and have a lovely family meal out.

They might only come because thay feel obliged to and be relived to be offered an alternative visit.

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