To tell DH that he can't go to bed?

[HelloKlitty]

Right.

He works three or four night shifts a week....from midnight to 7.30am...it's an easy job...not hard work and he often grabs a few hours sleep when it's quiet.

I am self employed and work whenever I can...my work piles up and I STILL seem to be doing most of the housework and childcare.

He has just gone to bed..last night was his last shift of the week and I am sat here with our three year old, a messy house and three pieces of work to complete.

I have to work with my toddler creating havoc....he'll get up later and moan that the house is a mess...he DOES contribute by cooking regularly and doing laundry (most of it) but it's me organising our older DDs homework, parties, lessons, clubs, dentists etc and taking the younger one to playgroup....and cleanng up....buying school uniforms, gardening....feeding the cats and makng the beds.

I just lost my temper and told him it was shit. I work up until 12.00pm or later most nights....he comes home and sleeps all day to recover from hs night shift...then when he is not working he gets 3 or 4 full nnights sleep!

Whist I was writing this he came down and asked me what he could do....AIBU to have him st with DD and cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV whlst I work? He hasn't got to go to work tonight.

And how can I get him to do more of the childcare?

DD is starting nursery in September.

[BooyHoo]

if he's just done a night shift then i think YABU to not let him sleep for a couple of hours.

[purplepidjin]

Give him a clear list of things to do - hoover, wash up, dry up, dust - and leave him to it.

Dp works from home and we made part of the spare room into an office where he can go with the door shut and not be disturbed. Is that something you can arrange?

[aldiwhore]

After a night shift I would be demanding my DH sleeps, because otherwise he's out of kilter for the rest of the week (work or not)... but I would also expect him to take up the slack on childcare so I can work when he's off.

You're both being a little unreasonable, and both have valid reasonable needs, sounds like you simply need a chat so you both get what you need without firing shots at each other.

[ginnybag]

Well, it's going to depend what he does at work and whether him being caught sleeping will mean him losing his job.

I office manage for a security firm and we have guards working very similarly to your husband. If we catch one of them asleep it's instant dismissal, no second chances, no explanations. We don't pay them to sleep so they can be on hand for childcare at home anymore than any other employer pays their staff.

Realistically, your husband is 'at work' 7.5 hours a day, just like many people. Yes, he should be stepping up on his rest days, but that's a separate issue. On the nights where he's working, you're going to have to accept that either he goes to bed at, say, four or five in the evening, gets up at 11 and goes to work, then comes home at 8 and stays up into his 'evening' OR he has to go to bed when he comes home at 8

[Ormirian]

He wants to know what he can do. So give him a list. A list of jobs that you need him to do to make your life possible. But he needs to sleep.

[HelloKlitty]

He doesn't sleep when he should and so get's grumpy. He only wants to sleep now becasue I have work to do...if I didn't then he would do as normal which is to stay up for three hours and sit on the computer!

I want to turn DD2s room into an office and have the girls share...he's not keen and so I am working at the kitchen table!

As for whether he should be sleeping at work or not...that's not part of my question.

[BooyHoo]

do NOT hand him a list of jobs to do as if he were staff. FFS. he is your partner, treat him like an adult and talk to him. it isn't that difficult. if he isn't happy to share the work out evenly then you have an issue.

[HelloKlitty]

I;m not asking him to clean up Ormrian...just to sit with DD.

[bubblecoral]

He's asked you what he can do, so tell him! Yes, I know he has eyes and should be able to see just from taking a look around, but if he's anything like my dh, he will need it spelled out to him.

And you should let him sleep, and I think he does deserve a few nights of normal sleep patterns. Doing proper night shifts does mess your body up.

[Ormirian]

"I am self employed and work whenever I can...my work piles up and I STILL seem to be doing most of the housework and childcare."

So long-term just holding DD won't cut it will it? He needs to share the chores.

[BooyHoo]

i think you need to sit down every time he gets his new shift rota and work out what times he can do childcare and what times you can do it so that you have a set time to work. it isn't on that you are just getting work in when you get a chance. i couldn't work like that. you need a schedule. it should be workable for you both to agree a childcare scehdule.

[mummyosaurus]

I agree give him a list. Get him to do half an hour tidying and a quick hoover before he goes to bed. he'll probably want a medal, but you'll feel better knowing he's pitched in.

[tazmin]

i think you are being unreasonable, try staying up all night and then not sleeping

its a killer

and if gets caught sleeping at work, he will be dismissed

[HelloKlitty]

Velveteen No...he's been up all night!

tazmin I would like HIM to try working for 19 hours out of 24! He works nghts and does fuck all apart from laundry and cooking one meal a day!

I do school run, prepping kids uniform, homework, cleaning the house, garden, shopping AND run my own fucking business. It seems to me like a lot of people here are doormats.

[HelloKlitty]

And he CAN sleep at work....it's known by the managers that staff take a turn having a nap. They don't mind so please so bringing it up. It's unrelated apart from the fact that he IS getting some sleep.

[mumeeee]

YABU, He had done a night shift. I have done night shifts. I found that I couldn't sleep as soon as I got home. Had to have a couple of hours wind down and then go to bed, If I didn't go to bed and sleep when I wanted or needed to then I was grumpy and out of sorts for days.

[mumeeee]

Also I didn't and couldn't do housework as soon as I got in. If he is asking you what he can do then tell him But if he needs sleep then let him sleep, having a nap at work won't have given him much sleep,

[HelloKlitty]

I am not ASKING him to do housework! Just t stay awake and watch tv with DD!

What about me ffs? I get 4 or 5 hours a night and don't stop!

[ilovesooty]

I think it's quite reasonable for him to go to bed for a few hours after his shift. Since you obviously feel hard done to perhaps you need to have a frank discussion about division of labour.

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

YABU

You can't seriously expect him to stay awake after working all night!

I do nights, they do take it out of you. I get at most 5 hours between nights, couldn't stay awake after the last one though, not without feeling awful.