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to think that rowing occasionally with DH is normal and no one elses business?

(29 Posts)
mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 12:08:48

Name changed for this, and its long sorry, but this is eating away at me today.

I'm working mad overtime ATM as I am currently working my notice in one job while having already started another, and when I got home sunday DH hadn't done the cleaning as promised and had instead spent all day on the bloody ps3 there was a bit of a row. We have a postage stamp of a place so after a few minutes I make him leave so I could calm down at him.

He also hung a damn sheet over a picture without thinking so I was livid as it had to be chucked out, so may have been a bad row but it doesnt happen often, infact we only row about him being a slob. And I conceed it may have been a bit louder as I was so exhausted and at the end of my rope. Anyway last night we are coming in from a night with friends and neighbour is locking up for the night. Now I was polite and did the sort of smile and head nod and she started laying into me.

Now I apologised unreservadly for the noise but thats not enough apparently. We are ruining whats left of her life with our constant rows, my husband or I obviously beat the other (WTF????) and shes going to report him to his vicar (again WTF????). Also very very annoyed that DH wouldnt talk to her other than to say sorry and I dont want to talk now when he was on his way to the car after me asking him to leave.

Where is it written that he has to talk to her about why he fights with his wife? He said sorry about the row/noise surely thats enough info for her. And for what its worth me and DH tried to think of the last time we rowed and there was snow, so constant is a leap!

Now AIBU to think that a married couple occasionally rowing is a fact of life, just like in her case her visitors slamming the door so loud my windows rattle and their kids making horrendous racket when they visit. I've never once said anything because, as much as it annoys me, she has the right to visitors, and while they make horrible noise they do so at reasonable hours, and this building is a alittle crap in construction.

She starts on me over EVERY little noise and reported me to the landlord over "alledged" breaches of the tenancy to try and get me chucked out. I've tried to be nice and its been better lately, but one row and we are satan. Its TMI but in honesty its affecting our TTC as im nervous to have sex incase the bed creeks and she complains, thats how bad she has been in the past over things like walking arround at 6.30, you know getting up and going to work! Not to meantion the screaming and treatening to set her kids on my over the noise the landlords builders were making when repairing our place!! And DH is really upset at being labeled a wife beater. AIBU in thinking shes out of order in assuming that and her extreme reactions to noise during the day?

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 12:19:21

Is she a homeowner or tenant? She has no right whatsoever to make your life a misery or make slanderous allegations or threaten your children!

Report her to the police. She's harassing you (criminal law). Speak to a solicitor about slander (civil law).

You can not allow her to continue to treat you this way.

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 12:28:55

We don't have Dc's yet, we are TTC. The threatening was years ago, just before we married and DH moved in. She and her kids said they would come and "sort me out" over some noise or another. I did report that, as I lived on my own and quite honestly I was petrified, and after about 6 months of false allegations and stuff she backed off and its been a nice 18 months.

I just can't believe she actually accused DH in that way. Part of my is considering stopping TTC because what is she going to be like with a crying baby sad problem is its HA block, she owns but we dont and we cant afford to move. sad

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 12:36:35

Sorry, threatening you! I'm glad to hear you reported it, now go back and do the same WRT the harassment and slander. Then speak with your HO.

Do not stop TTC because of her! ...although understandable if you want to wait until she is sorted out.

Her behaviour is having an effect on your quality of life and a bearing on life changing decisions. She can't be allowed this power so keep pushing, through the right channels, to have her behaviour addressed.

You do have my sympathy. I had a neighbour who was truly horrible. He was moved out by his landlord in the end but because your neighbour owns, does not mean she will get away with this.

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 12:38:06

sorry, *just because she owns!

worraliberty Wed 22-Jun-11 12:38:15

I read the title and thought you meant boats blush

fedupofnamechanging Wed 22-Jun-11 12:41:45

The best form of defence is attack. It doesn't matter how much you try to appease someone like this, they will never be satisfied. the only way to deal with her is to go on the offensive - make formal complaints about slander and harassment. I am a stroppy cow and would also tell her that if she isn't prepared to put up with the normal noise that comes from living in a flat, then she can fuck off and move!

hellymelly Wed 22-Jun-11 12:45:20

Of course its normal to row sometimes.Dh and I don't have a big row very often at all,but it happens,what can you do? I would think almost everyone has a row now and again.

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 12:46:56

I just keep worrying that maybe I am excessively noisy, except shes been fine and now shes lost it over this one row. Ok I may have got a bit angry trying to make the cupboards go back together after looking for something the other day too but IMO thats a reasonable life noise right? I have a bit of a hyepractive guilt complex I think

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 12:47:48

I think you need to up the sound, aggressiveness and length of your rows, personally. Be a couple she'd be scared to approach wink

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 12:51:10

Sweetheart, I have four children, two dogs, two cats and a manthing. We make noise.

My neighbours are normal people with a healthy approach to life and their neighbours, so I haven't had a single problem. Noise is normal, I check in regularly with them to make sure they aren't finding ours excessive or intrusive and they kindly say no and that they are so glad we came to the street.

(I think I have a look wink)

northerngirl41 Wed 22-Jun-11 12:55:44

Is this really a good environment to bring a baby into if the construction is so bad that you can hear someone sneeze on the other side of the wall? If you think she's bad now, you ain't seen nothing yet!!! Crying babies, running toddlers, broken night's sleep... This is not going to endear you to her.

Really you should be looking for somewhere else to live which is suitable for your child - you say you can't afford to move, but then can you afford to have kids? They aren't the cheapest thing I've ever done, as I'm sure loads of others will attest to!

She sounds horrid and a nosey busybody but you're being entirely unreasonable to bring a baby into an already volatile situation. Get yourself sorted and then TTC.

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 13:01:16

OP is not being entirely unreasonable, Northern, her neighbour is.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 13:02:32

She sounds aggressive in her approach, but to be honest, YABU to be surprised she's suddenly lost it - she may have been scared to approach you before if you row as noisily and often as she says. I wouldn't know on my neighbours' door to ask them to keep it down - it's bloody scary!

Obviously I have no way of knowing how loud/often/unreasonable your rowing is, but you're hardly going to give us an accurate picture on here. And as you say this is the first time she's made a fuss, she doesn't sound as if she's doing it for the fun of it ...

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 13:04:27

northerngirl41 money wise, where I live a private rent is 3x what I pay here. I can afford to move but I can't afford to move and have kids iykwim.

When I say construction is bad I mean its a bit shabby (drafts etc) I don't hear half of what she claims to, but you are right that its become a bad enviroment, hence why I am reconsidering. Its been 18 months of calm and I thought tbh she had realised she was being an unreasonable bitch. I know he previous tenants had children, I do wonder how much crap she gave them, and thats I think why i wonder if it is me/us.

RantyMcRantpants Wed 22-Jun-11 13:05:22

If you are HA then sign up to Homeswapper and see if you can do a swap with someone to another house.

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 13:05:38

LDR about a month ago she asked me into her flat to look at pictures of her newest grandchild. I don't think shes scared of me.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 13:07:19

She may not be scared of you as a person - but she may be scared of what she hears. It is really hard to judge, she may be worried for your safety or simply scared you'll yell at her if you're already angry.

I'm not saying she's right, just saying that it's not really surprising that she'd suddenly tell you there's a problem when she saw you.

WhoAteMySnickers Wed 22-Jun-11 13:11:27

Did I used to live next door to you? grin

Be honest with yourself about the amount you row, and how heated it gets, and how disturbing it might be for someone to have to listen to that often enough to make them finally snap and tell you "We are ruining whats left of her life with our constant rows".

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Wed 22-Jun-11 13:15:04

The worst neighbour we had when we lived in a HA flat was the owner occupier upstairs. A different situation though as it was him making the noise <helpful>

Ahem, as you were. And YANBU.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 13:18:35

I far prefer my experience of HA neighbours to students, FWIW. Students (and I am one) are fucking awful.

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 13:20:06

I know its hard to believe as people can exaggerate but honestly before this weekend I think the last time I got angry at DH was 2/3 months ago and even then I dont remember a row.

I can appreciate her getting upset, and like I said as soon as I saw her (as did DH at the time and yesterday) we apologised, but she still went in a rant. And if shes really worried about me why not call the police and WHY "confront" infront of DH?

I can appreciate her getting angry and I am sorry about the noise. But its the fact she started screaming at me in the hallway late at night herself rather than talking rationally and its the intrusion of getting annoyed that we just apologise for the noise and wont go into details of why we are fighting like she deserves an explaination. And the accusation that he beats me. DH is very very upset about that and didnt sleep well at all worrying about it.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 13:36:27

What's to worry about? You know he doesn't beat you; he knows it ...

She maybe has problems of her own that explain why reacted so strongly.

northerngirl41 Wed 22-Jun-11 13:42:17

You know what? I'd be tempted to confront her about how much noise is actually going through - particularly in poorly constructed flats, the noise which you think is normal arguing can sound terrible the other side of a wall. Go and yell through the wall and hear what she's hearing.

You really can't bring a baby into that environment where it would really annoy someone. You say you can't afford to move, but she's an owner and would have even more problems moving (not getting a mortgage, might not have any equity etc.) so if you want kids, you need to find a situation which is right for them, not just expect everyone else to put up with it.

mrsballandchain Wed 22-Jun-11 13:53:50

You really can't bring a baby into that environment where it would really annoy someone.

not just expect everyone else to put up with it.

I do see what you mean, but imo, this area is great, and aside from her we have no problems with anyone, lady across the road we've never talked to even gave DH her keys to jump start his car the other day no problems. And yes its unfair to her because it might be harder for her to move but this is a HA place, whos to say the next tenant wont have kids like the last one did? And if I DID own, and still couldnt afford to should I still be the one to move?

We've not tried shouting but DH has been in her flat while I've done other stuff and not heard a thing, not even the TV which i made sure was on high to see if he could. Might try again thou, if she lets.

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