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AIBU?

to pretend to be feeling unwell, and asking dh to take me home?

26 replies

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 19:53

Ok so while nothing specific has actually happened, no fall outs no arguments or anything, i just KNOW that the pil's dislike me. Always have.

We went out for tea with the pil & other family memebrs for mils birthday tonight.

other family memebrs were "off" with me, clearly and obviously "off" with me, trying to make conversation with them but they were cold and gave one word answers etc, made it very hard work, so i kinda gave up.

I knew it would be like that and didnt want to go, but i did anyway.

So they have all gone back to mil's house and i told dh i had a headache and asked him to take me home.

so now im home on my own, a bit miffed about being made to feel an outcast again, so why should i put myself through it. They dont want me there so i have come home.

im a bit about it tbh.

OP posts:

Report

CeliaFate · 08/01/2011 19:55

Can you tell your dh? Ask him why his family are cold towards you. I don't think YABU, but unless you want to continue doing this at future events, you're better off talking to dh about it.

3littlefrogs · 08/01/2011 19:57

They sound very rude.

You should talk to your DH. You have a right to know why they are behaving so badly.

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 20:03

i see them about once every 6 months or so even though they only live 10 minutes from us.

They never come here.

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CupcakesHay · 08/01/2011 20:04

What does your DH say about it? How long have you been married - and how long has this gone on for?

They sound horrid.... but maybe you just need to grin and bear it - but would be interesting to hear your DH's point of view.

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 20:18

married 10 years, together for 18 years.

I think its because i avoid them, they must know. but dont know why

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FabbyChic · 08/01/2011 20:20

Sorry they made you feel like that, why not talk to your DH about it see if necessary you can get out of these events in the future.

RevoltingPeasant · 08/01/2011 20:22

brokeoven

How did this start? Did you make an initial effort to be friendly and they rebuffed you? Are you shy?

If either of the above, YANBU, but relationships are obv two-way.

That said, PILs can be like this, tho' I never understand it. My DSis's MIL will do things like walk into the living room and offer everyone a cup of coffee except my DSis. She reckons it is because she once temporarily separated from her partner when they were going through a rough time. Is there anything similar they might blame you for?

mrstimlovejoy · 08/01/2011 20:26

you've not got the same mil as me have you
it was dd's birthday party today mil totally blanked me and my side of the family.not the 1st time either at my birthday tea she did the same.spoke to everyone else friends,her family but not mine other than hello and goodbye.after today she can arsehole.dh said he'd have a word but tbh i don't want him too.its her lose not mine.

clam · 08/01/2011 20:29

You're at home alone? So your DH has gone back without you? To cosy up to people who've been bloody rude to you all afternoon?

You and he Need To Talk!

PeachyPossum · 08/01/2011 20:32

Why do you avoid them?

diddl · 08/01/2011 20:37

Is it a bit of a catch 22?

You don´t see them often because you think they don´t like you...they think you don´t like them because you don´t see them often...

How come you see them so little when they are so close?

Does husband often see them without you?

But why has he gone back?

Does he realise that you are not really ill?

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 21:11

Dh goes to thiers with ds every other week.

they do not come to our house, do not phone, show no interest in ds who is their only grand child.
When we forst got together dh had quite different interests to me, and i had a busy work shedule.
they were fiercly supportive of dh and i thnk that they did not like that i was not as involved as they expected i should have been.

I am of a different mind set to them in terms of my role in the home, mil is the little wife, cooking cleaning general doormat to fil and bil. I am not.

then after 5 mcs, that they knew about, thy offered no support or help. I had to go through the last 3 alone as we had no one to sit with ds while i was in hospital. they have never offered to take ds to the park for an hour.
mil rang the house a day or two after my last mc, i was in allot of pain but could not take the pain killers as they knocked me out and i had ds to look after. when i told her this she just said "oh, is dh in then?"

he had to go into work (i had told him to go as he had already had a few days off with me, and was getting in trouble)

So i feel very let down by them, so i avoid them.

they make me feel very uncomfortable, and its so obvious they dislike me. like to know what they have said to the other members of their family to make them so off with me though.

OP posts:

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 21:13

its mil's 60th, i wouldnt make him come home with me, its his mum after all.

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diddl · 08/01/2011 21:18

"its mil's 60th, i wouldnt make him come home with me, its his mum after all."

But why is that more important than the fact that she makes you feel like shit?

"So i feel very let down by them, so i avoid them."

Well I guess that´s also it.
They don´t bother and neither do you.

So it´s always going to be like this.

brokeoven · 08/01/2011 21:20

i know, its true. i kinda accepted that a long time ago.

still makes me sad though.

it works best for every one concerned, the avoidance.

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diddl · 08/01/2011 21:27

I suppose because you are so close it was easy to get into a habit of just your husband visiting.

We are abroad & ILs have never visited.

Husband is their only child & we have the only grandchildren.

It has pissed husband off & made him pull further away!

We don´t see them often but it´s bloody draining when we do.

And when we visit UK, they can´t seem to grasp that we´re not their solely to visit them

The not visiting is their way of punishing us for moving abroad, I think.

We bear it as best we can

CupcakesHay · 08/01/2011 21:34

Wow - you sound like a saint brokeoven. i think you should bloody avoid this woman as much as possible. poor you.

Just try not to let her upset you - and just keep avoiding her at every possible occassion.

PeachyPossum · 08/01/2011 21:47

mil is the little wife? and they don't get you as you worked long hours etc. You avoid them, they avoid you? You don't go with dh when he takes ds every few weeks? Are none of you working on this?

PeachyPossum · 08/01/2011 21:49

Oh yes, you pretended to be ill so you wouldn't have to spend time with them! umm. Sorry, I think you are bu.

brokeoven · 09/01/2011 12:09

Due to the avoidance, and now the distance in the relationship, there has never been the need.
Out of sight out of mind.

Its occasions like the other day that brings it to the fore.

I am not sure if it would end in very bad feeling if it were brought up, and that i definitely want to avoid.

I dont want to be acussitory, to tell them that i felt that they let us down at our most vulnerable and desperate is quite some thing to put on some ones shoulders.
Theres more though, they were nowhere to be seen when i had ds, was ill and had pnd.

I think its a generational thing as well, they dont understand that we both have to work, and that i will not wait on ds & dh hand and foot, we are equal and i expect dh to pull his weight.

As always with families, its complex.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/01/2011 12:25

Did either of you ask for help, or expect them to offer?

I assume your mum isn´t nearby?

ShoppingDays · 09/01/2011 12:33

YANBU in many ways but one thing I think YABU about is this:

"I am of a different mind set to them in terms of my role in the home, mil is the little wife, cooking cleaning general doormat to fil and bil. I am not."

It sounds like you think your choices are better than theirs, and this probably comes across to them.

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brokeoven · 09/01/2011 12:37

no shopping its the opposite! they disaprove of my lifestyle!

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ShoppingDays · 09/01/2011 12:45

Yes it does seem they disapprove of your lifestyle, but you did describe your MIL as a "little wife" and a "doormat" so I'm assuming you disapprove of theirs too?

brokeoven · 09/01/2011 20:50

she is a doormat, they walk all over her and she thinks its ok because she is "the woman" and thats what women and mothers are supposed to do.
Obviously i didnt reply to this nor did i give any indication at my at this statement.
I took it from her comment that this is what she thought i should be more like.

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