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AIBU?

to not agree to this with my daughter?

47 replies

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 20:49

My dd is 14. During the summer, she went on a week activity course. She knew noone on it, and made friends with a girl on it. The girl lives in a city 30 minutes from where we are.

My daughter has just come to tell me not ask that she's meeting this girl in the city centre on Monday morning. I said what time she said 10ish, I said how, she said by train, I said what time home, she said I'll make sure to be home by time you get in from work 5ish.

I said no way none of this is appropriate. I said you are not going to go in to a city centre by yourself to go and meet someone you hardly know, with no backup whilst I am at work.

The compromise I came with is - we have a nanny for younger siblings, who are out at all day activity clubs on the day. I said the nanny will take you to meet this girl in the centre, if there is anything about this that she doesn't like, i.e. there's other people with the girl, my daughter won't be left. Otherwise, she'll have 2 hours in indoor shopping centre with this girl, and the nanny will stay in the centre, and will take her home again at end.

TBH I don't even feel 100% comfortable about this but can't say why.

AIBU?

What would you do?

OP posts:

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brimfull · 18/12/2010 20:50

Your compromise seems very reasonable. I would feel the same as you.
YANBU

GrimmaTheNome · 18/12/2010 20:50

So long as you trust your nanny's instincts, I think you've come up with a good solution.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 18/12/2010 20:52

I think that's very reasonable (perhaps you could ask nanny to tail them discretelyfor a couple of mins?£

arentfanny · 18/12/2010 20:52

Sounds perfectly reasonable

classydiva · 18/12/2010 20:54

Your compromise is a good one, she still gets to go.

However, 14 year olds are capable of travelling on trains, but can understand your reservations.

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 20:55

Oh that's a good idea Lady.

She wouldn't be my nanny if I didn't trust her instincts

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christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 20:56

It's not the train she does that every day to school. It's the meeting (in my mind) random stranger and being stranded dependent on trains.

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nomoreheels · 18/12/2010 20:57

Is your daughter mature for her age & do you trust her?

Personally at 14 I was off exploring my city all the time & had lots of different friends, some of whom my parents never met. I would have been absolutely mortified if my mum made a nanny chaperone me at that age.

It does sound like you're sheltering her a bit, but if you have genuine reasons to doubt her ability to look after herself then I guess that's different.

LifeForRent · 18/12/2010 20:58

I think your compromise is a great one. She gets her freedom (or so she thinks) and you get your piece of mind!

LifeForRent · 18/12/2010 20:58

*peace. How embarrassing.

thenightsky · 18/12/2010 20:58

I think your compromise is perfectly reasonable that you have never met this girl.

mugggletoeandwine · 18/12/2010 20:58

Um, I think there's nothing wrong with what your DD has proposed, so long as she agrees to keep in touch by phone.
She's 14 and it's only 30 minutes away.

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:00

She's naive. She's not street wise. She's independent due to having gone to boarding school etc. But doesn't sense danger, nor never thinks about negative.

Also like a lot of teenagers, she believes she's invincible.

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BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 18/12/2010 21:01

I think your compromise is ok too.

However, at 14 I was getting the train from one end of the country to the other on my own and frequently off meeting my friends many who my parents never met.

It's not really a random stranger if they met on a week long activity course is she? Not like she met her on FB and decided to meet up - if it was an online friend then I'd be wary. But it's not

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2010 21:01

I would let her go - but I understand your fears. I was in two minds when my dd (now 15) asked to do something similar this summer.

She wanted to go ice skating in Swindon (we live in Gloucester) and to meet some people she knew from going to the air tattoo camp in May.

After some doubt I let her go, she was fine.

You have to cut the strings sometimes.
Just make sure she always has a phone with her, and to text her frequently.

fluffles · 18/12/2010 21:02

remember this girl is not a 'random stranger' to your daughter - she spent a week doing activities, eating and sleeping with her 24hrs a day for seven days.

i've worked on activity camps and i can tell you that kids become very close and form strong friendships in such a 'hothouse' environment.

no harm in having the nanny take her as you propose but if i were you i'd be careful not to ever refer to this girl as a 'random stranger' or 'practical stranger' in front of your daughter.

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2010 21:03

I think the best thing you can do is to trust your daughter.

She will probably feel very happy in being treated like an adult and trusted.

If you say no for the reasons you describe (naivety, not knowing the girl) she will probably think you are being over zealous, and I would agree with her.

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2010 21:04

Apols for spelling being all over the shop.

BitOfFun · 18/12/2010 21:04

I would give her the usual safety talks and tell her that she is not to leave the mall if there are other people along who she doesn't know. Otherwise I'd leave her to it.

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:05

Noted fluffles won't mention

It's odd I used to have no strings attached at all, but as she's getting older I seem to have tied them up with double knots!!!

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Georgimama · 18/12/2010 21:08

My mother didn't know all, or even most of my friends when I was 14. Do you have suspicions that this friend is a front for a boy/man? If you did I would understand the nanny-tail arrangement. Otherwise, I think you're over-reacting.

Bingtata · 18/12/2010 21:10

She won't get streetwise without abit of experience. I would let her go and just keep in touch by phone, she will have a great time but if she doesn't then she can call you.

In only 3-4 short years she might not even live with you and she needs to be prepared for life as an adult, she can't do that unless you let her test the waters.

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BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 18/12/2010 21:14

I was chatting to an elderly women at church the other week about how my DS1 (10) is growing up and getting more independent and how hard it can be. She turned to me and said

"cut the strings and let them fly............but tie the ends onto the mattress that's kept on the ground for when their wings don't work as they should so they fall back onto that"

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:14

She's bad for her phone, when she's gone into town with school friends. She's either not taken phone/had flat battery/ignored texts/ignored calls!

She has just come in and said 'I understand why you did that, and I like the idea of nanny coming with me, what happens if she doesn't show or something'.

She's a good kid really, in fact she's lovely.

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christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:16

Maybe bingta that's what scares me, 2 years from now I had her!!!

I don't believe it's a cover for a boy.

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