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to be upset with my mum

(68 Posts)
Breezy1985 Sun 05-Dec-10 19:27:52

I am a lurker and this is my 1st post so here goes..

I saw my mum earlier, and she asked me what i got the DC for xmas, so I showed her the list and she turned round at said well at least you have time to get them some more things! I was shocked by this i hadn't planned on getting them anything else.

I am a single mum to 2 on benefits and before you flame me it wasn't my choice my EX of 7 years has swanned of with a 17yo. I have spent £100 on them each, she thinks i should get my DD who's 6 a laptop because her best friend is getting one and now she keeps going on about how my DD is going to be so disappoingted, her best friend is getting one but her mother is up to her eye balls in debt, has just been found to have no tv license and is being taken to court over her electric bill. Now I refuse to get into debt for xmas, what does a 6yo need a laptop for anyway?

The other problem is I have a 3yo sister and i know my mum has got her LOADS for xmas, were meant to be going round there for xmas dinner how am i meant to explain why she got so much from santa and they didn't, I don't even want to go round for the dinner anymore.
We have spent all day making salt dough decorations, candle holders and candles to give to people ie my mum and now i feel like she's just going to turn her nose up. I just can't afford to spend a fortune on everyone this year but to me making these things, spending time with the family and having fun is what xmas is about and not who can get the most!

Maybe i'm just ranting but i've come home and cried my eyes out i feel like i'm letting them down now, my other child is 5

frgr Mon 06-Dec-10 21:21:20

Your mum is quite, quite wrong

From your post she seems to equate how much you spend on someone with how much you love them/how special Christmas will be

I don't mean to be impolite, but that's seriously fucked up

You seem lovely, take a deep breathe, re-read your post, try to see what sort of message you're sending your kids if you follow your mum's (shit) advice - YOU are being reasonable, it is totally wrong for your mum to say to you what she has. I'm outraged on your behalf angry

Breezy1985 Mon 06-Dec-10 21:14:56

I think she's going to do the overspending thing on them now, She bought up the laptop issue again infront of my stepdad and he even turned round and said they'll end up spoilt brats and she turned round and said but they are not getting much at all

They are getting plenty imo, they don't need anything, they both got DS's last year and i can't even remember the last time they played on them, DD got a wii for her birthday in July, the last time she went on that her birthday. My mum bought the DS's bbtw and the EX bought the wii, it just goes to show they don't need or want these things. They seem happier and spend more time messing about with paint, glue and glitter and making a mess

I'm sure i'll be spending more then enough when they are older grin

blackeyedsusan Mon 06-Dec-10 10:24:35

you are not letting your children down. the friends mumis by not being responsible. you sound very responsible and all that lovely quality time you are spending with your dcs making things. when the childen hand over their home made gifts, make a ppoint of emphasising that they have chosen to give these to your relis themselves and that they are really proud of their efforts. i hope that will stop anyone turning up their nose, and if they do they should be ashamed of themselves.

sorry for the typing bf and feedee trying to help type.

Morloth Mon 06-Dec-10 10:19:35

YANBU your mother sounds mad.

We are pretty wealthy and there is no way we have even gotten close to spending £100 (or equivalent Aussie dollar) on DS1 (who is 6).

Madness for a 6 year old to have their own laptop and we are gadget freaks.

SantaIsMyLoveSlave Mon 06-Dec-10 10:10:03

You are very sensible.

My DCs are getting £30 (ish) each spent on their actual present, plus a bit more on stockings. A laptop for a 6yo is madness.

diddl Mon 06-Dec-10 10:04:34

You are being sensible.

Save your money whilst you can-they will be teenagers soon enough & you´ll be getting through money hand over fistblush

Don´t fall into the trap of thinking that love=money, especially at this young age.

mummytoatribe Mon 06-Dec-10 09:49:44

I think it says alot that you cant remember what you got for Xmas but you remember lying to debt collectors, and your mum worrying you about money for food shopping.

You children will remember the craft activities and fun with mummy. And feeling safe and secure. Thats worth more than all the laptops in the world

Diamondback Mon 06-Dec-10 09:36:14

don't worry about them being embarassed at school - when I was little we went to state school, but in a very wealthy area and one year the teacher had the great idea (hmm) that we should all write our letters to Santa and put them on the wall. A lot of the other kids had put down that they wanted a bike AND a computer (in the 1980s!) AND a TV, etc, etc.

I just thought they were greedy loons - it didn't make me feel embarassed or poor at all that I'd be getting a Barbie and some books.

And by the time they get back to school, most of them have forgotten what they got for Christmas already wink.

crazykat Mon 06-Dec-10 07:56:31

YANBU, we spend about that on our DC's and they always have a great christmas. Making things with your DC's is what they will remember when they're older, not what they got.

I can understand your worrying about them wondering why your sister got loads though - DSD's mum go way over the top at christmas and end up in huge debt for it. This may make me sound mean but she is a spoilt brat for it and thinks just coz she wants something she will get it, she 8 and they'll have problems in a few years.It's a far better thing IMO to only spend what you can afford and not be worrying how you're going to pay for it.

TyraG Mon 06-Dec-10 07:46:47

YANBU, your mom is nuts and quite rude to say that to you.

You are a great mum doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask. And a laptop for a 6yo? That's absolutely insane!

I'm a SAHM and hubs works and we're okay for money (saved a crapload before we moved here, which we're not touching) but we're not going crazy for the kids (4 and 3) we'll have a small fairly inexpensive Christmas, which is just fine with me.

silverten Mon 06-Dec-10 07:37:37

Just one more voice to add to the chorus of YANBU. I think what you are doing with your children sounds really nice. I wish my mum (who is lovely, anyway) had done stuff like salt dough decorations with me when I was little.

I think with children, particularly small children, presents are more about the 'bang' than the 'buck'- novelty seems more important than cash.

So you could spend a fortune on a laptop, but whilst it is amazingly expensive, it doesn't actually do anything particularly exciting. Whereas a large basket full of glitter, glue, pens, paper, curly ribbon, pipe cleaners and squeaky things catches attention in all sorts of ways: looks interesting, full of suprises as you delve into it, makes interesting noises, and promises a few happy afternoons of crafty messing about.

Nanny0gg Mon 06-Dec-10 00:15:08

JamieLeeCurtis -
Nanny - Everything in Hamleys is a third more expensive than anywhere else. And it's a bit of a dump. And it's sexist - all the art stuff is on the "Girls" floor

I know - That's why my stepsister bought her sons' stuff there - Swank!

cory Sun 05-Dec-10 23:35:25

You are indeed a sensible person and your mother is barking.

Don't worry too much about Christmas with little-sister-who-gets-everything. We've been spending every Christmas since dcs were born with my extended family; their cousin always gets three times as many presents as they do and they've never been scarred by this in any way: indeed as he gets older it's becoming a bit of an embarrassment to him. But basically, they've all learnt to cope with the thought that families are all different, not a bad lesson to learn.

Most 6yos do not get laptops. We only bought one for our 10yo because he is disabled and struggles to hold a pen; otherwise, I would have thought secondary school was quite soon enough.

FantasticDay Sun 05-Dec-10 23:28:07

My partner and I are both fortunate enough to be in well-paid jobs. We have spent less that you on our two - and I feel bad that I haven't done all the lovely craft activities that you have. Your kids will have fantastic memories. You sound lovely and I hope you have a very happy Christmas

SkyBluePearl Sun 05-Dec-10 23:15:12

I spent 25 on gifts from us plus 10 pounds for the santa sack. Xmas isn't about how much you can spend, its about spending time with people you love to celebrate. All your home made things sounds lovely and much more meaningful.

MorticiaAddams Sun 05-Dec-10 22:17:34

You are not letting them down, £100 is more than enough per child for Christmas. We have decided on a laptop on the birthday before dc get to secondary school and not before - they don't need it and can share ours.

Sorry but your Mum does sound a bit of a fruit loop and you seem like a great Mum, just have a bit more confidence in yourself.

Kewcumber Sun 05-Dec-10 21:54:36

Your mother is bonkers - how did you turn out so normal?

Firawla Sun 05-Dec-10 21:47:53

yanbu your attitude is really good and im sure you and dcs will have a great xmas, your mum's ideas are just silly why on earth would it be a good idea to get into deabt to buy things for your dc @ xmas that they dont even need. you can get plenty for 100 anyway especially if you shop for bargains, and it teaches them a better message to spend time together and do fun things than just chuck money @ them

we have spent 25 quid on dd,she's 2 and imo that is quite enough.

your mother is barking.
so is mine.

it will be fine,your kids wont care,they will be far happier in the long term with a mother who is on top of her expences than a load of xmas gifts they wont remember in two months time.


herecomesanotherone Sun 05-Dec-10 21:00:53

YANBU. My DD is 1 a week after Christmas, but because we have got her a few toys throughout the year, we have only spent £15 on her for Christmas, and £15 for her birthday the following week, because she doesn't need that much spending on her at the moment, plus she'll get presents from my parents. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and think it will probably be the same next year as well, as we just can't afford to spend a great deal at the moment.

A friend I have has bought her 8yo a laptop, (not even for b'day or Xmas) and she got an Ipod touch for her birthday. My DC won't be getting these at that age!

My parents never went crazy either, I remember loving the presents I got, but I remember the day more, being with family. smile

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe Sun 05-Dec-10 20:56:01

You have done really well to have such a sensible attitude to money given how you were brought up. You've spent within your means and I bet your DCs will have a fab Xmas because you are so aware it's about time together, not STUFF. and no a 6yo doesn't need a laptop!

JamieLeeCurtis Sun 05-Dec-10 20:52:44

Nanny - Everything in Hamleys is a third more expensive than anywhere else. And it's a bit of a dump. And it's sexist - all the art stuff is on the "Girls" floor

JamieLeeCurtis Sun 05-Dec-10 20:51:14

I think I must live in some parallel universe. No-one I know has a laptop for a 6 year old (or a 10 year old for that matter)

Breezy1985 Sun 05-Dec-10 20:50:24

Just wanted to say thank you to you all, you have made me feel so much better and aslong as we've got each other we will have a great day, money or no money.

JustAnother Sun 05-Dec-10 20:49:28

YADNBU. You seem very level headed and I think you are doing the best for your children by not getting into debt.
Both DH and I have very well paid professional jobs and still we wouldn't necessarily spend more than £100 in DS's xmas presents. There's no point at this age. As for the laptop, providing you DD can use yours every now and then to play a few games, so that she's not unfamiliar with technology, that's all she needs. Having her own laptop is totally unnecessary at this age!

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