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to want to be told about flu risk?

(27 Posts)
ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 12:28:25

Really confused, please help!
Basically, last weekend there was an arranged get together for pub meal, with good family friends.
We found out when we got there that a family member of the people we were meeting couldn't make it as they were at home with flu. I felt pissed off, as my immune system is crap, I am pregnant, and have a toddler plus an older child. But I kept my feelings in, and got on with the meal. A couple of days later, both my kids were really ill with flu, then I got it, now DH. It has been a shit week.
My friend phoned the other day (now the others in her family have it too) and I said next time could she let me know so that I could make a choice. Basically, she got upset and although I backed down and apologised for saying anything (!), she sent a nasty text saying that I shouldn't have been thinking these horrible thoughts about her, and that I am 'bitter' to have these thoughts and that it couldn't have been her to infect us, as no-one was coughing on us, and she and the other family members became ill AFTER my kids.
I feel like shit and want to resolve things, but has ignored my return call so far.
AIBU to think that we should have been told first to make the decision to get together. the NHS website says that people can be infectious before they exhibit symptoms.
Don't want to fall out over this, but bloody hell.
Thinking about it I'm more upset by the nasty text than by the not being told thing. Horrible the strength of feeling around such a thing.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 05-Dec-10 12:32:24


how do you know you got the flu from her.

don't you go shopping, take older child to school ect or do you lock your self in the house 24/7

ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 12:35:04

I don't KNOW I got the flu from her at all, and that is why I apologised, of course it could have been from anywere. But wouldn't most people have warned another family that there was a possible risk? I think it is a bit different eating a meal with someone than standing next to them in shopping queue etc. or is that just me?

mankyscotslass Sun 05-Dec-10 12:40:26

I think YABU.

Unless the people you were ill, you can't say they gave you it.

You can't be asking everyone if every member of their family is healthy before you go out.

I've been out with friends when DH has been ill with a bug, or the children. Other than mentioning it if I was asked how they were, it would not have occured to me to say anything.

mankyscotslass Sun 05-Dec-10 12:41:41

I'm sorry you have had a bad week though!

WilfShelf Sun 05-Dec-10 12:43:16

Yes, you ARE being very unreasonable.

And a little bit self-obsessive perhaps. How on earth could your friend have known she would come down with flu? Frankly, I'd be pissed off and fail to return calls too if someone treated me like you have.

You have no idea where you caught the bug. And it wasn't a 'nasty' text from how you reported it, it was a quite reasonable objection to your idiocy.

ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 12:46:52

Thanks for all replies so far. It's really interesting and challenging to hear other's opinions, even if it's not what I want to hear!
wilf don't you think that my friend could have suspected she would come down with flu, because of her son having it (the one who couldn't make the meal) they all live together.

onimolap Sun 05-Dec-10 12:47:01

There is no quarantine required for those who have been in contact with people with influenza, despite the possibilty of pre-symptomatic infectiousness (same for nearly all contagious diseases).

So I don't think your friend would have been able to predict you would require additional measures - unless you had spoken to her about your immune system issues .

The important thing is that she knows now, and I hope you can build bridges that way.

What advice does your consultant immunologist have about infection control? It really is the flu season now, and as pointed out, you could encounter it anywhere.

curlymama Sun 05-Dec-10 12:50:39


What was she supposed to do? Call you and say I'm absoloutely fine but my DH has flu so can't come. but as I'm well enough I'm coming. Just wanted to check that you think it's acceptable for you to be around me.

The point that you could have caught it from anywhere is a big one. If you object to her not telling you, do you think I should walk around with a sign warning people if I go to the shops when my dh is ill?

I would be offened by what you said too, you need to grovel and apologise. Blame pregnancy preciousness and paranoia.

mankyscotslass Sun 05-Dec-10 12:53:58

Curlymama, I think I will have to spend the rest of the winter with a big sign round my neck saying "unclean" and ringing a bell to warn of my approach.

I know from previous experience that from now on in at least one of the kids or DH will have a horrible bug from now until summer!

And op, no, IfDh or the kids get a bug, I don't always get it, for whatever reason!

ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 12:54:12

Thanks onimolap God, I'm really quite suprised that everyone thinks IABU!
I haven't got a consultant, just know that I am ill a lot and run down, as not getting enough sleep. But if my friend had told me that her son was home with flu, I think I would have rearranged meal.
Thinking about it though, it could have been cooked or served by a potentially infectious person!

WilfShelf Sun 05-Dec-10 12:54:47

I'm sorry, I missed the bit about your immune system. When you say 'crap' do you mean you have a reduced immune function for specific reasons? Or you just get everything going?

If it's the former then perhaps you are a little bit reasonable to expect her to think of you, but only if she knew about your condition.

But the other bit still applies: you could catch the flu anywhere...

WilfShelf Sun 05-Dec-10 12:56:24

Look, the thing is you sound a wee bit paranoid about bugs: they're everywhere and there is nothing you can do. If you start organising your life around avoiding germs, then I'm afraid you have a problem.

ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 12:59:01


Anyone got any (non infected!) humble pie cooking?

big slice for me please

onimolap Sun 05-Dec-10 13:05:54

I can understand that you may be unwilling to post medical information on a public website, but I really think you should go back to whoever diagnosed your immune system condition (or ask for a fresh referral, if it's a while back).

I worked with someone who had a condition which meant all manner of colds and flu were very hazardous to him; he saw his consultant about every 6months, took all sorts of precautions, and took the initiative in explaining to contacts what it helped him to know. It sounds like you need a top-up from any previous advice.

TiredMumZzz Sun 05-Dec-10 13:07:02

Actually, I think yanbu - all you were wanting is for your friend to let you know that her son had flu &for it to be your choice whether you went to the meal or postponed it, rather than in effect her taking the decision for you.
I'd always let someone know in advance that we may have bugs to pass on, it's only polite especially if someone's pg. But I would rarely avoid meeting up with someone because they may pass bugs on to us - still rather it was my decision than someone elses though. Hope you get it sorted & you all feel better soon.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 05-Dec-10 13:11:31

Yabvu and ridiculous.

I even went to work when my dh had flu.

Tbh I am not surprised your relative is pissed off with you. You were way out of order IMO

Lynzjam Sun 05-Dec-10 13:11:47

I'd feel the same OP. So I think YANBU. But I can see how other people think it is BU. I can understand your friend feeling hurt etc but if I was pregnant, and had a couple of wee ones to look after, of course I'd want to minimise the risk of exposure to bugs!

Not everyone thinks like that though but if I was your friend I would have mentioned it too you before we met up. I have a three month old DD, and in the early days one of my friends waited for her wee DS's cold to get better before she visited me and DD. I though this was very considerate of her and I appreciated it loads due to already being stressed with being a new mum etc. Last thing I wanted was to come down with something.

I must admit, I'm a bit paranoid about bugs. If someone sneezes or coughs in a supermarket isle for example, I'll hold my breath of avoid it for awhile!

Kinda went off on a tangent but what I'm trying to say is I totally know where your coming from!

ThatllDoPig Sun 05-Dec-10 13:12:41

onimolap re-read above, I haven't got a consultant, or had any kind of immune system diagnosis. When I say it is crap,I just meant that I get everything going and am ill a lot, especially when I get run down and tired.

onimolap Sun 05-Dec-10 13:16:28

My apologies.

If you do not have an underlying medical condition, then YABU.

c0rns1lk Sun 05-Dec-10 13:24:01

what wilf said
but sorry you had flu - it's grim. Are you sure it was flu though and not just a virus - flu lasts more than a few days doesn't it? confused Loads of folk round here had a really nasty virus thing last week - difficult to avoid I think

PercyPigPie Sun 05-Dec-10 19:50:12

You sound, like you say, tired and run down. I remember being there with very young children and getting everything going as I was having so little sleep. Every new bug meant another two weeks of bad nights, so on that basis, YANBU.

I think maybe people didn't read the bit where you said you were pregant.

I used to be very conscientious about not going out if any one of us were remotely ill. In your friend's situation, I would probably have offered not to come if I knew one of my family had proper flu and you were pregnant. That said, I have eventually given up being so conscientious as no-one else seems to bother!

PercyPigPie Sun 05-Dec-10 19:50:48

PS: try posting this in Chat - you will probably get a very different response!

SantasENormaSnob Sun 05-Dec-10 20:01:07

The pregnancy doesn't change my opinion.

Would you stay off work etc if your partner/child/dog had flu? I don't.

OnEdge Sun 05-Dec-10 20:12:40

I'm with you all the way on this one, it REALLY pisses me off.

It doesn't hurt just to give someone the heads up and let them know in advance then they can decide themselves whether or not to attend. Its the lack of control that I hate, my SIL does it loads, turns up with her DD at my house then after an hour playing with mine, lets it slip that she was puking the day before angry The knock on effect of a family of 5 (one of which is a baby ) is a nightmare.

Why can't people just have a little common sense and respect for other people ?

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