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AIBU?

My friend never answers my texts - rude or AIBU?

28 replies

DeathandTaxes · 04/12/2010 18:39

Just taking this week as a sample case..

Monday, I ring her to say I will be going to the nearest big town, 30 mins away on tues, (she works there) and she says oh great, text me when you get there and we can meet for an early lunch.

So I text her 915am just to confirm I am there, (as roads had been bad with snow) and ask her to tell me where it suits her to meet me.

Hear nothing back till 12.30, when I have waited and planned where I am going around this meet up, and just get "sorry in meetings all day." Nothing else.

Feel a bit irritated that she didnt text me back a bit earlier, (she has an office job in a university, not like she doesnt have a minute here or there to send a message) Anyway, brush it off.

Next day (wed) I text her and invite her round the next nite, (thurs) as a mutual friend is going to be there who is going to New Zealand for a month over xmas and thought my friend might like to see her before she goes,this time I do get a reply saying that yes she will be there.

That night at 9.30 the doorbell goes, (I am in bed early with a sore back) my dh comes up a bit puzzled saying my friend has arrived up for our night in with other girl.

She didnt read the text right and got the night wrong, so I have to get up and entertain her till 10.30. She says that she will see me and our friend the next night but then just doesnt turn up and texts much later on that couldnt make it.

Dont really mind all that but what REALYY pisses me off is that we had been chatting about the SATC2 Film and how we would like to watch it some night.So yesterday, I picked it up in the dvd shop and texted her at 4pm to invite her round to watch it with me and have a couple of drinks.

She does not reply AT ALL. I then met her today down the town, and she just said "oh sorry I couldnt make it last night" I just brushed it aside, (though felt like saying why the fuck wouldnt you think to text) but didnt, but then she invited herself round here tonight instead, she knows my dh is away and seems to think I would like the company, but actually I would like to get to bed early as I sat up late last night cos I didnt put on the film till 9.30pm (just in case she turned up) and also, I feel pissed off with what I feel is kind of rude treatment of me, I would always respond if a friend invites me round, wouldnt just not bother so I cant be arsed to entertain her tonight, I should just have been more assertive but sort of said, oh ok, that would be nice then, see you later.

Thinking of texting an excuse to get out of it, AIBU??

OP posts:

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Annya · 04/12/2010 18:42

yaNbu

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 04/12/2010 18:42

YANBU She sounds chaotic in the extreme, and thoughtless. I would have no problem texting her to cancel. That is, if you don't want her company.

classydiva · 04/12/2010 18:43

Just text an excuse, sorry cant make tonight, thats all you have to send.

NannymcDeb · 04/12/2010 18:45

I wouldn't text! Close the curtains, lock the door and ignore your phone, IF she turns up, ignore her as she ignores you!

Cannot bear rudeness, and I prefer to text people as I think they can get back to me when they're ready, especially if they work, BUT to not answer at all is just rude!

MyBrilliantCareer · 04/12/2010 18:47

TBH it sounds like you don't have clear boundaries for yourself. Your friend sounds disorganised but if she turns up on the wrong night, or "invites herself over because she thinks you'd like the company", then don't go along with it and fume about it silently.

You would always respond if a friend invites you around, but she is offering to spend time with you tonight and you are pissed off with her, but not telling her. She probably doesn't realise that you see any of this as a problem, because you haven't told her.

I think YABU to not have a grown up talk with her. YANBU to want tonight to yourself. Just say you are tired and want to go to bed early.

ilovesooty · 04/12/2010 18:50

I agree with MyBrilliantCareer. Mind you, I do wonder how people who use texting as the mainstay of their communication would cope if they had to acually TALK to their friends to confirm arrangements.

chocoholic · 04/12/2010 18:51

I was all ready to respond that YABU (I'm terrible at replying to text messages but never mean to be deliberately rude, just forgetful and crap!) but after reading your post, she is shockingly bad.

YANBU

AgentZigzag · 04/12/2010 18:52

Does she ever text you to invite you out? The examples you've used are a bit one sided with you doing all the arranging.

If she's not really one for getting together, I'd leave off texting her and see if she bothers contacting you.

I sometimes forget to text people back, but I do it in the end, and I'd never leave someone hanging on waiting for me to contact them to go out.

PaisleyLeaf · 04/12/2010 18:56

I can understand the meetings all morning - can't text.
I can also understand the not wanting to go round to yours the night after she'd already been round after her cock-up.
The only one where she perhaps has been rude is not texting you about the DVD night. But then you had just taken it upon yourself to make that DVD night with no notice. She could have been doing something else - it's easy to read a text and think 'I'll reply when I've got a min', but put it out of your mind.

She doesn't know the importance your placing on the texts. If you need to know and need to know now (like the DVD night), why don't you just ring.

didldidi · 04/12/2010 19:07

Would you normally see her 3 times a week? That's a bit full on - maybe she's trying to back off a bit?

FattyArbuckel · 04/12/2010 19:09

Err why all the texting??!!!

If you rang her you would know where you were re making arrangements, surely?

ragged · 04/12/2010 19:14

yabu. What PaisleyLeaf and FattyArbuckel said.

MyBoyJakey · 04/12/2010 19:17

YANBU

I agree with NannymcDEB

DeathandTaxes · 04/12/2010 19:27

No I dont normally see her 3 times in a week, that is very unusual, and its not all one way, in that she would arrange to meet me as much as I would do with her really.

I dont expect an answer right away, and I dont like to ring her when she is at work, so I think its easier to text and let her get back to me when it suits her.

I just think it is a bit rude to not reply at all, and yes, from now on, I suppose I will just ring to get an answer. But really, she is very unreliable and will often agree to going to things, or coming round and then just cry off at the last minute.

I dont think it ise unreasonable to text someone asking them to pop round when you know them very well, rather than ringing, but either way, ringing or texting, you should at least reply at some stage.

Its just more noticeable this week cos of all the arrangements that were being made, or not made as the case may be.

Agree that it is silly not to be more assertive and just say nah, tonight doesnt suit me actually, but then she would think that something was up, and would probably think I was freezing her out, as she is a little bit sensitive sometimes.

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DeathandTaxes · 04/12/2010 19:30

Paisleyleaf - I texted her at 4ish, I didnt need to know there and then as I was taking the dvd anyway, was going to watch it myself either way, and of course I dont expect people to be free at a moments notice, so I wouldnt have been bothered it she had said she couldnt make it, it was just the fact that she didnt bother reply at all, and that added to all the other stuff during the week just pissed me off.

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ItalianLady · 04/12/2010 19:36

I have a friend who doesn't always answer my texts at all, never mind on the same day or in the same week.

I would text her to say you are shattered so are going to bed early but you will see her soon.

TabithaTwitchet · 04/12/2010 19:40

Maybe she doesn't always have her phone with her/ switched on. Or is that just me? If someone texted me on the spur of the moment, I probably wouldn't get it, am always forgetting my phone, or letting it run out of battery .

Limara · 04/12/2010 19:47

YANBU but you do need so say something along the lines of '' It's a shame you couldn't meet me the other day because I'd booked us into a swanky restaurant''. Comments of that nature may get your point across without you having to be really honest.

OR tell her how you feel when she let's you down along the lines of... ''Oh I was SO looking forward to us catching up the other day, I had SO much to tell you and I felt gutted I couldn't share my goss'' .

My examples are shite but you catch my drift...hopefully.

DeathandTaxes · 04/12/2010 20:08

Yes, Limara thanks I know what you mean and might try that.

For tonight though I have taken your advice Italian Lady and texted to say that I was going to bed early as v tired having had the kids all day on my own, (dh away).

Did try to ring her first but no answer, so had to text it instead.

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Limara · 04/12/2010 20:20

Just be honest by telling how you feel or felt when she lets you down but from the angle of how she missed out.!

My friend is like your friend. She tells me that she has gone out for drinks with people we both know down to my local pub! She doesn't live near me! I was so gutted when she first told me about one of her visits that I :

a) concluded she didn't want me there
b) concluded that our friendship wasn't what it used to be
c) concluded that she just doesn't think
d)concluded that I no longer wanted a friend who could treat me this way.

DeathandTaxes · 04/12/2010 23:03

So Limara are you still friends with her then?

I have been friends with this girl for about 5 years now, and have supported her through a lot of stuff in recent years, and she has been supportive to me too.

So I do find it a bit strange that as good friends as we are, she can be so thoughtless, or at least thats how I see it, cos I tend to respond to friends when they text, at least sometime that same day anyway.

If I forget to respond I would let them know tthat I had forgotten, so they wouldnt think it was jsut that I hadnt bothered.

OP posts:

hhg · 05/12/2010 11:25

YANBU - she is being very flaky. I also have a friend like this so know how annoying it can be

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MsKalo · 05/12/2010 11:28

Yanbu - but - you should talk to her and tell het how you feel! If there is a problem, air it and sort it!

Limara · 05/12/2010 12:40

Death, I believe a friendship is a balance. I believe when the friendship is initialised, it is balanced. Overtime one side goes up, the other side down etc ie one person makes effort, the other doesn't. It's whether you want to pick her side up and balance her side for her? Do you?

I believe in forgiveness and I continue to forgive my friend but I don't take it personally because I also believe we are on a journey along a road and we meet different people on the road. Maybe she's walked on past you now and maybe someone else will be alone soon for you.

DeathandTaxes · 05/12/2010 15:45

Well that is a nice way to look at it Limara, but I know as soon as the next crisis pops up in her life I will be the first to be phoned for tea and sympathy.

I dont begrudge her that at all, and tbh I dont think there is any point in mentioning to her her behavioiur bothers me cos that will result in awkwardness I think, she wouldnt take it well, so will just have to either learn to accept that this flakiness is part of who she is, or just move on.

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