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AIBU?

dh,drugs,loosing interest!

34 replies

bliss88 · 30/11/2010 20:02

Hey ladies...
Now i need some advice my dh is addicted to drugs...our baby is now 1 and he still doesnt seem lke he wants to quit.

Ive tried everything being resonable and not saying anything letting him do it alone, ive shouted at him etc, ive tried to understand but i realy cant, i dont understad why he wont quit, ive told him to leave if he dusnt quit but it never gets to that i give in.

This isnt just effect myself and my ds its efect my mil and my mum as i am so depressed about it.

Ive tried to get him professinal help but he wont try. i really need advice. shall i leave him? i love him dearly and we are happy. but only 40% of the time and 60% of the time im soo sad. He goes out most nights. so im left to bathtime and im exhausted. HE SMOKES NO WHERE NEAR THE HOUSE. but hes just soo different when hes high and its soo sad as we have such good times when hes nt influenced which tells me that the relationship is worth fighting for, but i dot think he desevere such a wonderful ds and myself im soo stuck.

Sorry about the essay.

OP posts:

Report

parakeet · 30/11/2010 20:04

I'm sorry, I think you have no alternative but to leave him.

Nettlerash · 30/11/2010 20:04

Whats he taking?

pink4ever · 30/11/2010 20:05

Leave him.Is the only thing that might bring him to his senses.He haas to prove that he loves you and dc more than drugs. Your child night not realise whats going on now but they will when they get older.Can you risk that?.

expatinscotland · 30/11/2010 20:06

Yes, you should leave him. There's no other way because he will not acknowledge his addiction, much less do anything about it. And it is really damaging you.

perfumedlife · 30/11/2010 20:07

I am presuming he was addicted to drugs when you were trying to have the baby? What on earth makes you think an addiction is something he will just decide to quit? Isn't the conventional wisdom that addicts need to want to quit?

MrsTedHughes · 30/11/2010 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bliss88 · 30/11/2010 20:10

i think you are right, but i was brought up in a broken family and im not sure i want dc to be brouht up that way, but if it means a broken family to stop him being near drugs then yes i think im going to have to take that risk and lave. (Nettlerash) hes smoking cannibis, that a bad drug? i heard that its causes long term affects. I love him so much that i want to help him, but for how much longer?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 30/11/2010 20:12

he is reckless and irresponsible then.addiction impacts upon mood,behaviour,ability to prioritise anyone except self,affects every aspect of individual and extended family life

his behaviours may put your baby at risk if he is too out of it to respond effectively and immediately to an emergency

and if you faff about finding excuses for him you too are a fool

if you dont love or want him majority of time hes not the man for you

what will you do if hv spots signs of his drug use or guesses?

MadamDeathstare · 30/11/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonDifficult · 30/11/2010 20:13

You must leave him or kick him out. This present situation is no good for you or DC.

He might clean up if he realises what's at stake and how serious you are about him stopping using (or he might not).

What's he smoking?

GypsyMoth · 30/11/2010 20:14

Where does the money come from and how much a week?

A 'broken' family is the one you're in right now...... Not a lone parent family.

mathanxiety · 30/11/2010 20:14

Everything you say to him sounds like rhubarb rhubarb, you know that, don't you?

He's happy 100% of the time and you're happy 40% sounds like a raw deal to me -- a raw deal for you, but not for him. Has he lost one thing as a result of his addiction? Has he felt one single consequence?

Time for you to decide if you're ready to give an ultimatum and stick to it.

MadamDeathstare · 30/11/2010 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 20:17

A family with a drug addicted parent IS a broken family.

A badly broken one.

A family with only one parent need not be a broken one.

BootyMum · 30/11/2010 20:20

I think that cannabis is a particularly dangerous drug as people who smoke it convince themselves it is natural, herbal and not a hard drug so it's fine to use. However it is addictive and can precipitate mental illness, paranoia. In regard to the user's relationships, cannabis makes the user emotionally unavailable in any real way which makes it incredibly detrimental, both for you and your children who need and deserve a fully present, involved, clear thinking father.
Your partner may be able to kid himself that his drug use is not a problem but it is obviously very upsetting for you. There are three of you in your relationship - you, your partner and his drug use. And it sounds as if he is choosing his love for his drug over his love for you and his dc

ItalianLady · 30/11/2010 20:22

Just wondering what would happen to your baby is the social services found out her father was on drugs.

Nettlerash · 30/11/2010 20:23

Well any drug is not good but personally I make a distinction between heroine and cannabis!

I know also leaving someone and setting up by yourself is not as easy as it sounds!
I think you need to make clear to him that he can't act like this in front of the baby. Personally I would firstly tell him that he is in no way to come near you or the baby while or after he has been smoking/drinking and then try and get him to spend more time with you both so that he has less time to do that with his friends. If he breaks this deal then you are going to have to find a way out but you need to give him a chance first. It sounds as though he has the upper hand though so you do need to be really firm with him and not give in on what you agree to do.

If he continues to I would think about what you need to do next and talk it over with him.

scottishmummy · 30/11/2010 20:26

how you ever going to have pals or other mums round with a spliffhead living with you

was he like this when you dated?has it got worse or same?why did you have a baby with a spliffhead.why are you still with him

he will spin you any ole line make you stay,you know that right?

GypsyMoth · 30/11/2010 20:29

There is a mn poster whose ex h tried to strangle her....... Turned out he'd been smoking drugs and had a psychotic mood change. Suppose this happened to you? Or your child?

You're in a very broken family. Kick him out to fix it.

perfumedlife · 30/11/2010 20:30

I'm aware I will get flamed but I am saying it anyway.

From reading your post it would seem your dh didn't just start smoking when the baby was born. Therefor, why did you conceive and bring a baby into the world with an addicted father?

I don't think it is reasonable to just 'hope for the best' in such matters as bringing life into the world and when aiming to create a stable family, or am i missing something here?

BootyMum · 30/11/2010 20:32

I don't think I would make a distinction between heroin and cannabis actually...

Any regular drug use is detrimental to emotional health and relationships.

Okay, I know that a lot of us [myself included] smoked a bit of pot whilst we are teenagers and uni students. But I personally think any regular drug use is incompatable with being a involved, emotionally present parent.

And one of the main indicators of a drug problem [or alcohol problem] is when it affects your primary relationships. It sounds to me as if the OP is very disturbed by her partner's drug use and is feeling unsupported and abandoned due to his reliance on drugs...

scottishmummy · 30/11/2010 20:35

why did you get pg by a spliffhead.thats not a good father is it.who pays for the blow?you?

MrsTedHughes · 30/11/2010 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wb · 30/11/2010 20:42

My brother has been a cannabis (weed) addict for 20 years now (actually he finally made it onto heroin in the last 4). I wouldn't let him anywhere near a goldfish, let alone a child.

However lovely a bloke he is underneath, the drugs will make him unreliable. He will promise you the moon and sixpence to get you off his back, then just carry on. You and your child will not be his priority, drugs will.

You can't make him want to quit, the motivation must come from within. And even then it's really hard to stop.

Leave him. Much better an absent father than life with an addict. Maybe that will give him motivation to change and if it doesn't you are better off out of it. Please put your child first cause he can't won't.

ENormaSnob · 30/11/2010 20:43

Get rid.

You and your dc are a poor second in your partners eyes.

Not a home I would want a child living in.

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