Secret drinking revenge?

[IcecubeMenace]

Am just having a massive sort out upstairs and found a hald drunk small bottle of vodka which must be dh.

I have poured out half of it and replaced it with mouth wash and hairspray to see if he's got the bollocks to admit that it is there and I have found.

Apart from the fact that I am fuming about this when he promised me he was not drinking AIBU?

[bumpsnowjustplump]

has the mouthwash not changed it colour? and how do you get hairspray in liquid form?

However YANBU I dont know the back story but sounds like his drinking has been a problem and the fact he is now drinking in secret suggests his (and yours) problem is infact more serious than you thought..

[IcecubeMenace]

I have white mouthwash and it's more of a gel spray. Don't know if he will realise from the smell though.

Every couple of years this will happen and I just don't know when enough will be enough. It's really hard he's a fantastic dad and apart from this husband. It totally pisses me off that he takes me for such a mug.

[Dansmommy]

Erm...are you confident that you know enough about those substances to know that that was a safe thing to do?

Lemonade would have served the same purpose.

[Snorbs]

You're not being unreasonable but you are wasting your time. I bet you a tenner he will say nothing. And if you raise it, I bet you another tenner he will claim that it's been there since before he promised that he would stop drinking.

Finally, I bet you yet another tenner that the only real result will be that he will hide his secret booze stash(es) better.

Sorry.

[IcecubeMenace]

Lemonade would be too nice. Yes I'm angry and maybe not being rational but I want to give him a shock.

Snorbs - your talking to the converted here. It funny how whenever I find bottles they have always been there for ages. About him hiding bottles better in a way it makes it worse that he doesn't even do that he never has, which does make me question his intelligence.

I just feel stuck.

[Snorbs]

I know the feeling.

I don't know your back-story, though. Why has his drinking become such an issue?

[IcecubeMenace]

It's always been an issue. I suppose he thinks I'm nore sensitive as I have a number of relatives who are drink dependant/alcoholics.
t
When we were younger he would do disappearing acts etc but to be fair he doesn't do that now. I hate the fact he has to get paraletic and uses drink as a crutch. H
e doesn't think he has a problem as he doesn't drink during the day and is successful in his job even if he does go in stinking of booze. I hate that when he has looked after our daughter one night I came home at 2am to find him passed out on the sofa with the oven o,n so I can't trust him to that again, even if he was crying the next morning. That was the last time he promised to stop drinking.

He doesn't seem to realise that not all alcohlics are sitting on park benches and even they had to start some where.

[sixpercenttruejedi]

I would have just thrown it away and not mentioned it. He wouldn't be able to question it without dropping himself in it.
I don't think it will help change things in the long run though. You will have to confront it at some point, or it'll just become a game - him hiding it, you finding it etc.
Has he had any professional support?

[IcecubeMenace]

Due to this job he won't as he thinks it will have a detrimental affect on it but doesn't seem to think going in smelling of drink is just as bad.

I suppose the reason I didn't throw it away as am trying to teach him a lesson.

I just really want him to change but I suppose thats what everyone says.

[sixpercenttruejedi]

would he have to tell his work? I thought any support would be kept private. I would be very upset at his deception though. Sorry I can't be more help.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I'd suggest that you contact Al-Anon here if you need support through this. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you know, alcoholism is the same as any other addiction and unless your DH wants to stop, he won't.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but my father is an alcoholic and there are a number in his extended family.

[Snorbs]

The thing is, you want him to change but he doesn't. He's a grown-up. He's allowed to choose how he wants to live his life and if that means making promises about stopping drinking and then blowing off those promises and drinking in secret then he has the right to make that choice.

And you have the right to decide whether this is good enough for you or not. There are ways of living your life together such that you minimise the effects of his drinking on you and your family. Al-Anon call this "Detachment with love" and it's explained very well in "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Essentially, the idea is to completely leave his drinking and the effects of his drinking as his responsibility. Don't believe his promises, don't hunt for hidden bottles, leave him to clear up his own drunken messes and go and do something more fun when he's pissed.

But while detachment can reduce the effects of his drinking on your happiness, it probably won't eliminate it entirely.

Another option is to say "I refuse to live my life with a sneaky, lying drunk. Sober up or move out."

Or you could carry on as you are, trying to believe his bullshit promises and then feeling angry and betrayed when you realise that he's lied to you again. It's not a great long-term plan for your own health and happiness though.

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

You can'[t make him stop drinking, if he has decided that he doesn't want to. As with any othe behaviour an adult engages in that makees a partner distressed and angry (whether that's substance abuse, refusal to remain monogamous, complete laziness and selfishness WRT domestic chores, or whatever), you cannot force a person to change for your benefit. Your options are: accept the behaviour or walk away from the relationship.

[AnyFucker]

It is impossible to teach an alcoholic "a lesson"

Surely you know that by now ?

A better question would be "why are you living with someone who has a drink problem and refusing to acknowledge it ?"