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To still hate my sister-in-law?

(50 Posts)
Maria101 Sun 03-Oct-10 22:33:05

Last year I fell pregnant, and everybody was thrilled, except my husband's younger brother's girlfriend. She'd only been going out with my brother-in-law for 10 months and she's 26. Whereas I was nearly 31, married for two years etc. Anyway, when we told them she didn't even congratulate us (she just said, 'really? was it planned?'), then ignored me at a few family get-togethers (having been weirdly clingy prior to my pregnancy). Last Christmas day, she fled the room in tears when a great aunt asked me about the pregnancy, and later told my mother-in-law (her boyfriend's mum) that she was upset because I was having 'the first grandchild' (which, considering I'm older, is pretty normal). She also told a complete lie, and told my MIL that I had 'stolen' her favourite names (we'd never even discussed names!). Thankfully my MIL believed me (I've been with my husband for seven years and have a great relationship with her. She also acknowledges this girl is a bit odd). She's got a troubled past (alcoholic mother etc), but is also prone to lying and tells contradictory stories about her childhood so I'm not sure how much of what she says is true. Think a young Heather Mills! My MIL always excuses her behaviour by saying that she's had a tough life. But my own father was a shit, and I've never used that as an excuse to behave badly. Anyway, shortly after I gave birth this June she announced that her Pill had failed and she too was pregnant. She completely ignores my daughter (or makes snidy comments about her weight, cradle cap etc), yet bangs on about her own pregnancy (she went out and bought 400 size 1 nappies at the 10 week mark!!). I know I should focus on my gorgeous baby and lovely family, but everytime I see her I just feel so angry and resentful. I feel like she took a happy, lovely time in my life and tainted it with her weirdness. Then got pregnant just to get one up on me. I also feel my MIL should have stuck up for me a bit more, instead of feeling sorry for her. Am I being unreasonable to a) hate a pregnant woman and b) to still feel wound up about this?

fruitshootsandheaves Sun 03-Oct-10 22:38:24

you AB abit U to think she got pregnant to get one up on you...that is a bit drastic!

however I had problems with my SIL too when I had DD2 so I understand how you feel and also think she was BU in the way she treated you while you were pregnant.

concentrate on your daughter and treat your SIL like you would any other pregnant aquaintance. Be polite and bite your tongue.

Charleney Sun 03-Oct-10 22:38:39

That would wind me up to f**k.
I would just laugh at her every time she makes a snide comment like shes a silly little girl.

My DP's brother and his wife have 5 kids and she was VERY jealous when she found out i was pregnant, made people on FB think she was pregnant again even though her husband has just had the snip.

Some people cant stand others getting attention.
Urgh i cannot stand it!

Maria101 Sun 03-Oct-10 22:45:49

fruitshootsandleaves - I really think she did though! To be so jealous of my pregnancy, and then have her pill 'fail' within weeks of me giving birth? Come on, that just doesn't happen! I am polite though, and never cause a fuss. That's the trouble - she's the one who bursts into tears all the time (and I mean ALL the time), whereas I just sit there and get on with things, not saying a word about how flipping weird she is, while all the time feeling p**sed off with her.

Itsonme Sun 03-Oct-10 22:50:53

My SIL was a total c*nt when she found out I was pregnant. I'm buggered if I know why since she has a ton of kids of her own!

I'd just pretty much ignore the fact she's pregnant. Just say 'mmm' when she mentions anything and change the subject. Treat her with the same level of interest that she treated you. Oh and remember that you had the first grandchild, not her! Might be childish, but who cares. In the words of a child 'she started it'

Maria101 Sun 03-Oct-10 22:55:06

The annoying thing is, one of my best friends had a fourth failed attempt at IVF during the whole situation, and she was nothing but lovely and amazing to me. If anybody had the right to be jealous it was her, not some idiotic girl.

LionsAreScary Sun 03-Oct-10 22:55:09

Her behaviour is quite odd and she sounds very insecure. It is a shame that you are in the firing line and I don't blame you for feeling fed up with her. How often do you see her and can you make it less often?

I also feel sorry for your DH and his brother, because this issue will come between them, too.

Just out of interest, what do you think she would say on here about you?

GeekOfTheWeek Sun 03-Oct-10 22:55:38

Yanbu

She's an arse.

Maria101 Sun 03-Oct-10 22:58:59

She would say awful things about me on here LionsAreScary. She's one of those girls who has fallen out with all of her friends, all her family, has trouble with bosses/colleagues etc. She's very 'woe is me' and feels hard done by, without actually realising people fall out with her because of her behaviour. My DH supports me and thinks she's nuts, but it's all very polite and there are no issues when we're all together as a family. She just goes quiet and flees the room in tears alot, while we all sit around feeling awkward and exchanging glances.

DuelingFanjo Sun 03-Oct-10 22:59:11

YABU to think 'Then got pregnant just to get one up on me.'

maybe she had fertility issues.

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill and you sound as bad as eachother.

scurryfunge Sun 03-Oct-10 23:04:22

Pregnancy is not a competition. Be thankful for what you have and get on with life without dwelling on her insecurities.

Maria101 Sun 03-Oct-10 23:07:46

She doesn't have fertility issues DuelingFanjo... if you read the whole post, I explain that she was upset I was pregnant because it meant I would have the first grandchild (I'm 31, she's 26... it was always going to happen... my older brother had a baby before me...). And if she had fertility problems she wouldn't be on the pill, would she? The 'one up on me' line was a throwaway line caused by me feeling pi**ed off at her behaviour over the last year.

anonymosity Sun 03-Oct-10 23:08:47

It sounds like this girl has come from an unhappy family and really wants to be the star of the show in this new family. Its not reasonable of her, but I can see that if she's a bit unstable and all she wants is a child that she might behave badly.

Have you considered asking her to be your friend, and come and see you on her own? Sometimes the best way to break down a wall of hostility is to genuinely embrace the person building it. I know that sounds all hippy dippy but I've tried it once in a similar situation with a "competitive female" and our strong friendship grew and lasted many many years.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Sun 03-Oct-10 23:08:57

She does sound as bonkers as conkers (to steal a phrase from last nights threads).

But just a thought, i had a friend who went, shall we say, well, peculiar during my pregnancy with ds 4 years ago and has only recently admitted it was because she had a termination about 6 months before i announced i was preg. She had TOP because her relationship was failing and she couldn't cope. But my pregnance brought it all "into focus" for her, she said. Just wondering if could be anything similar here?

DinahRod Sun 03-Oct-10 23:23:35

Do your best to ignore, except perhaps the snidey remarks about your dd - can you do wide eyed shock like you can't believe your hearing this?

To my great amusement I had a competitive pg colleague. She overshared every moment of her pg from the word go, we even knew the position she conceived in grin. I didn't tell people I was pg beyond my immediate dept until about 24 weeks when I started to show. Had this mortifying public moment where she gushed at me, voice broke and cried. She went on and on about how she couldn't believe I was weeks further along than she was and how she had timed it as to not overshadow anyone confused.

prozacfairy Mon 04-Oct-10 06:11:21

YABU to hate her and to think she got pregnant out of spite. Sounds like she got pregnant because she really wanted a baby, (for whatever reason) the timing was just better than she could have hoped for grin

Don't get me wrong, she clearly has ishoos and sounds incredibly spiteful. Personally I feel a bit sorry for her. I bet she's focused on getting pregnant and having a baby she hasn't thought through how much hard work can lie ahead. She's got someone just a stage ahead of her to share tips with/who knows stuff that might help her and she pushed you away.

gtamom Mon 04-Oct-10 06:34:05

Hate is a strong word, do you actually hate her, or just dislike her?

I feel sorry for her, she sounds like she isn't that stable emotionally.

You stand for everything she strives for, to be a married woman, with an extended family who loves you. You have 11 years together with your dp (and are married the past 2 years) compared to her 10 months, not married. You have a "planned baby" because you are in a stable relationship, her pregnancy was a "pill failure" and he has still not married her.

Could you try and befriend her, make a huge effort to be kind, ask her about pregnancy, plans for baby etc. instead of saying hmmm.

She must be starved for love to act that way. See if she responds in a positive was. Since she is having a baby and may marry your bil, she is probably going to be around for years. Your children will be cousins and playmates. Basically, treat her like you would any pregnant family member, maybe she will thrive on a little love.

Spinkle Mon 04-Oct-10 06:53:56

She's sounds a bit unhinged.

And will be even more so when she understands how much hard work an actual baby will be.

No one gives a monkeys about the mummy then...

She's clearly an attention seeker. I don't think she will thrive on a little love. I think she will manipulate like a fecker and play everyone off against each other.

So, no YANBU.

Ineedmorechocolatenow Mon 04-Oct-10 08:42:49

She does sound bonkers.

YAB a bit U with regards to feeling fed up with your MIL. She has to try and keep a balance and get on with her son's DP.

However, don't let her ruin any more of this precious time with your DD. Maintain your stance of saying 'mm' and changing the subject while smiling and ignore her loony behaviour.

diddl Mon 04-Oct-10 09:11:05

I think YABU, sorry.

The two events aren´t connected imo.

Her pregnancy has no bearing on your happiness.

You sound as bad as her-wanting the attention.

hhg Mon 04-Oct-10 09:28:24

YANBU but just ignore, ignore, ignore her behaviour

TryLikingClarity Mon 04-Oct-10 09:32:03

She does sound like she enjoys being the star of the show and that she wants love from everyone. Maybe she's seen that pregnant woman get lots of attention, and she wants that too.

Once DC comes along she will hopefully grow up a bit and realise that life is not how she may have viewed it before. Life with a wee baby is hard!

How does her boyfriend feel about it all? Do you get on okay with him?

Focus on your lovely little baby and just ignore her. She'll hopefully wise up soon.

Be the bigger person.

Lonnie Mon 04-Oct-10 09:32:47

actually I think your MIL has it right..

She has 2 DILs and she is trying her best to make both of them feel she is there for them hence she doesnt "call one out against the other" thats not making excuses that is ensuring she has a good relationship with the significant women of her sons.

YABU to think she deliberatly got pregnant and I actually also think YABU that you resent her wanting attention for HER first Pregnancy to her that is as special as yours was.

as for her being unplesant whilst you were pregnant YANBU that is not nice

but it doesnt mean you have carte blanc to do it to her in return.

PictureThis Mon 04-Oct-10 09:40:30

Are you sure she isn't my sister in law?

The thing about this kind of behaviour is that it has a knock on effect within the family and becomes exhausing. My SIL's behaviour is well beyond rational as far as relationships within the family are concerned and has caused a huge divide between my brother and the rest of the family. I know where you are coming from and don't think YABU at all.

Maria101 Mon 04-Oct-10 10:15:51

Thanks for all your comments, they do help. I've been nothing but lovely to her since she announced her pregnancy (in reply to those asking if I had been). Me and my husband are showing an interest and just generally being normal to her, even though she was anything but nice to me when I was pregnant. I just secretly feel mad at her for being such a trouble-making madam. My mum thinks she could be Heather Mill's little sister!

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