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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Alcohol support

DH still hasn't found a local AA group

32 replies

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:25

Long time MN user but have NC for this.
A year ago DH drove drunk with the DCs in the car. He'd been drinking 60 units plus a week for many years. I threatened to leave, he tried to stop and managed a few weeks but couldn't stop completely.

A few months later at Christmas I became ill with a chronic condition. He admitted again he needed help and opened up to his family. His dad is an alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years. I thought he had made progress as he went to his GP and started an addiction programme. However he didn't continue on to AA as they recommended.

He now never drinks in the house or in front of me but there have been many times over the last few months when I know he has been drunk. Glassy eyes, slurring etc. A friend smelt it on him once in the afternoon. He has taken the DCs to the park, bought cans and drunk them while they play. If I ask him he denies being drunk but it's obvious he's lying.

He started anti depressant meds at Christmas and generally seems better in himself but he says he needs to quit and can't do it. On holiday he got drunk while in charge of the DCs. I got upset with him and he denied he had a problem but when sober the next day he went to an AA meeting where we were staying. This was a big step.

However he has been drunk at least once in the last week. I've asked him when the meeting is and he said hell look it up. I'm losing patience. As I'm ill and not working I'm fully financially dependent on him.

Any advice please 😢

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Report

redcaryellowcar · 31/08/2019 05:28

I'm not sure I'm qualified or experienced in this area to advise helpfully but didn't want to read and run. My limited advice for what it's worth would be to ensure you are putting yourself and your children first and protecting them. You must be exhausted with worry.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:30

Sorry just to clarify, my health deteriorated just as I was extremely stressed by DH's alcoholism and whilst I don't blame him for this, it's well known that my condition can become worse in response to a stress trigger.

I think I might need to leave but I feel trapped as I'm not earning anything.

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redcaryellowcar · 31/08/2019 05:33

I would imagine this to be stressful without other conditions. I'm sorry. I agree, not being with him even if just temporarily seems a logical step. Does it have to be you who leaves? Couldn't he leave, sort out somewhere for himself temporarily and you can review when he's sought the help he needs?

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:34

Thank you @redcaryellowcar for replying. I know tomorrow will be extra hard as I haven't slept tonight. I just can't switch off.

I gave him an ultimatum a year ago but back then I had a decent professional job, albeit part time. I've never been unemployed before, I've worked since I was 14 but I can hardly manage looking after myself and the DCs at the moment. He is a very loving dad and very hands on so I feel like I need him in their lives. But not as an addict.

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Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:36

He has mentioned moving in with his parents for a while. I think maybe I should push for that. He would absolutely hate it as he has a v strange relationship with them. Lots of wealth and boarding school, feels they abandoned him etc. But practically they have room and it's near his office.

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SofiaAmes · 31/08/2019 05:37

Sorry to be harsh, but you are not being a good parent to your children by staying with him and/or allowing him to care for them when you know that he's drinking (so much that he's slurring his words). I am not in the UK, but certainly here in Los Angeles there is plenty of government support for someone in your position to leave. I am always being told how much better the safety net is in the UK....so perhaps someone can offer helpful suggestions as to how you can leave and still house and feed your dc's

redcaryellowcar · 31/08/2019 05:38

I remembered someone who gave up smoking describing addition to me, she was very eloquent and it made me realise how all encompassing it is. She was single and lived alone with no children, so the impact of her smoking was mostly on her. Your dh and his addiction is having an impact on you and your children, and if he's willing to drive with them in the car, potentially a very dangerous situation. I believe there is a branch of AA to support families, might it be worth getting in touch with them?.

redcaryellowcar · 31/08/2019 05:39

I think him staying at his parents would be a good step, you are safe, he has a roof over his head and you have time to get stronger and figure out a plan.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:42

He will be sober for a few weeks, everything is fine, he goes to work, helps with school runs, plays with the DCs, cooks dinner, so it goes t o the back of my mind but then he'll slip up and sometimes it's while he's looking after them. I know this can't continue. He is remorseful after but can't stop himself. If we all go out for a family lunch or whatever he has coke and doesn't seem to miss booze. I think he might be hiding it in the garage. I haven't seen him drink for the last year. In a way it's worse than when he was drinking at home every day as it's secretive.

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Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 05:58

I'm going to try to get some sleep now 😴

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redcaryellowcar · 31/08/2019 06:52

I imagine with the very easy availability of alcohol he'll get hold of it even if he's not hiding it. I think you have to protect yourself and your children by separating yourself from him for long enough to be sure he's sober.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 09:07

I talked to him about it just now. He told me to fuck off as it was too early. Well, maybe but bit of a strong reaction. I asked him if he was drinking one particular night and he wasn't. That sparked a huge row. I then said OK, my bad, Fair enough but the point is you have nothing in place for when you do want to drink. I've said he can call me or text me when he gets the urge but he never does. Huge row, he said he does so much for me and the kids and I don't appreciate it. He took his wedding ring off which he's never done before. He ripped up the anniversary card I gave him. He's now taking the children out.

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SofiaAmes · 31/08/2019 09:10

My ex promised for years he was going to get sober and not only did he never get sober, it turned out that he had been lying about sobriety all along and instead was very busy giving drugs to our 10 year old who is now an 18 year old drug addict.
Maybe if I had left the first time I said I would, things would have turned out differently for my DS

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 09:18

that is so shocking! I don't know what to say.

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Starlight456 · 31/08/2019 09:21

He is avoiding dealing with the issue.

He doesn’t want to till he does nothing will change.

The you don’t appreciate him is simply deflection.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 09:26

I feel really mean now. He hasn't drunk for 10 days or so. I accused him of drinking on a night when he didn't, in fact he cooked us all a really nice roast. Because he went to the shops to buy potatoes i thought he might have drunk. I thought he looked drunk but now I'm not sure. He said as he left just now that I'm far too emotional, he doesn't deserve what I've done to him this morning and he's just booked AA for Monday. I didn't know you could book. Anyway now I'm on my own in the house and can't stop crying.

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Dapplegrey · 31/08/2019 09:30

Bluewaves can you get to an al Anon meeting? You will find help and support there.

SeaSidePebbles · 31/08/2019 09:33

You don’t book AA meetings, you just turn up. Also, there is an AA meeting every single day of the week, twice a day. Yes, he might have to travel a little bit, but never very far. Tell him not to feed you bullshit again.

The only two things I know would help is:

they have to help themselves and

the only way you can help is by not helping.

I would pack his bags and send him to his parents.

Weezol · 31/08/2019 09:37

I have nine years plus sober. Please contact Al-anon to get support for you. Look after you. Because he can't.

He's a 'dry drunk' - an alcoholic thar can go without for periods of time. This is not the same as being sober. I know I can never, ever have one drink because one drink will be ten, or fifteen or twenty five.

At present, he doesn't want to be sober and until he does, this will be your life. It really is that bleak.

If he has suggested hoing to stay with his parents, make that happen. You need to have a spell away from him to work out what you want from your life and how you're going to improve things for you and the children. Plan as if he is never coming back.

It's harsh, unfair, cruel and dispiriting that you are in this position, but he is not ready to change so you will have to.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 10:08

Thank you for your help. He definitely minimises it. In his head everything is fine at the moment because he hasn't drunk for 10 days or so. But he admitted the day after that that drinking is a compulsion for him. He found the AA group he did go to (on holiday) really helpful. He needs to start going to a local group to have the tools to deal with cravings. 3 holidays have been tainted by his alcohol problem now.

It probably seems random to him that I talked to him about it this morning and he feels ambushed and unfairly treated. But I didn't wake him up in the middle of the night when I was worrying about it. I talked to him just before 9am. He thinks I'm over emotional and over reacting to him not getting on with starting the group. For me though, I've been worrying for the last 12 months and it's really getting to me.

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Weezol · 31/08/2019 10:55

Please stop thinking about him and his needs and start thinking about yourself and your children.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 11:09

I feel like I need him in my life because I can't look after my children on my own due to my chronic illness.

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 31/08/2019 19:39

I'm very long time sober and your DH is being totally dishonest with you. You don't book AA meetings. You just turn up. And there are one a day in most areas now. He could be at one now. Look here.

If he's just stopped he should probably be going to a meeting every day. And not having a drink for 10 days isn't success if you have zero control over which days you drink.

If he's going to meetings that's great, but if he isn't you really can't live with him. He's not safe, is he?

And don't second guess yourself. Two years ago can you imagine trying to decide whether someone had been drinking or not? Nah. You'd have assumed you could tell. Well, you still can. He's been drinking and he's lying to you. It's very important that you get across to him that he may be throwing his marriage away.

Bluewavescrashing · 31/08/2019 20:03

He has given me his wedding ring and won't speak to me. Slamming doors etc. I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens.

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0lga · 31/08/2019 20:08

Please go to al anon yourself. You need help.

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