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Anyone married to a DH who managed to stop drinking and had a normal relationship with alcohol now?

(49 Posts)
Whatjusthappenedexactly Wed 30-Aug-17 22:59:04

Just this. I'm loosing hope that one day he will wake up and realise enough is enough.

Not sure I want to stay married to drunk DH. Which is a shame as sober DH is a great man. Sadly he's only really sober during the day if he's working nights. Other than that he is drunk from 2pm onwards.

Any hope he can change ?

Mrsfloss Wed 30-Aug-17 23:03:43

I was that drunk wife but I need to abstain a day at a time from alcohol there is no way I can have one and not stop. When people stopped enabliling me and I had to get serious consequences then I stopped for Me as the consequences were too much. If you are picking up the pieces you possibly arnt given him a chance to sort his shit out,

How long has been like this?

You didn't cause this

This isn't your fault

He needs to take responsibility

Have you heard of al anon please speak to them

LoniceraJaponica Wed 30-Aug-17 23:07:35

SIL's husband didn't change. He is now in permanent residential care because his live is so damaged that it has affected his brain. He has all the symptoms of severe dementia - caused by alcohol.

ImperialBlether Wed 30-Aug-17 23:07:58

2pm onwards! Oh god, OP, that is really bad. It must be incredibly depressing to watch him drink that much and incredibly expensive, too.

Lobsterquadrille2 Wed 30-Aug-17 23:16:24

Yes, I was that drunk woman and I also know many people in AA who were drunk literally 24 hours a day unless they were asleep! Change is definitely possible but only if the alcoholic wants it enough.

Whatjusthappenedexactly Thu 31-Aug-17 07:45:53

Thanks for posting. Sitting up in bed now with sober DH. He doesn't suffer the morning after ( and he will have had about 3 full pints followed by a ten pack of carling so quite a lot). The same will happen today.

Mrsfloss Thu 31-Aug-17 08:31:22

How does it affect the family when he is drunk?

Whatjusthappenedexactly Thu 31-Aug-17 08:59:42

Well, he's not a bad drunk so the children are still oblivious to the change in his behaviour, they most likely don't register the change because it's his norm. And that's not a joke. They are my children by the way, his step children. Daughter gets disappointed when we stop off for a drink on days out. He's not a bad man but just gets silly, forgetful, vaugue or falls asleep on the sofa. No drama. No yelling. Just this constant cycle of normal activity in the morning, house jobs, gym then everything stops for the pub at 2pm. He comes home reasonably ok having had a few pints and if he stopped there I wouldn't mind but then the cans get started and by early evening he's useless. I work long hours so come home often around 8pm, no meal prepped and he's chilling with beer and music. And although he gets some stuff done an awful lot is left to me given the difference in the long hours I do. I end up doing house work and home stuff on a Thursday when we could be having a day off together. He only thinks of himself and drink after 2pm.

I'm bored of the routine. As he works continental shifts he has a lot of time off ( 4 days at a time plus 10 days after 3 cycles of that). And yes, it's costing a fortune. We could probably have moved house by now.

Lobsterquadrille2 Thu 31-Aug-17 09:57:39

OP, he doesn't suffer "the morning after" because there is a constant stream of alcohol in his system. If he actually stopped his daily routine for a couple of days, he would feel it.

What you describe is very worrying, as you obviously know - you must be exhausted with it. Your children will resent this effective switching off from family life.

Does he have any desire to stop at all? It doesn't sound like it. Most people in AA (that I know) reached a point where they hated themselves and what they were doing to others and, as we say, would have "gone to any lengths" to achieve sobriety. That's really in response to your OP, as in can he stop. The answer is certainly yes, if he wants to.

Whatjusthappenedexactly Thu 31-Aug-17 10:17:09

Thanks lobster. He has no desire to stop. im not even sure that if I left it would motivate him. He says it is who he is. it's like living with two men.

LoniceraJaponica Thu 31-Aug-17 10:22:39

You can't change him or cure him, and you didn't cause it.

You have two options: you stay, and put up with all the shit associated with living with an alcoholic (and damage your children), or you leave and have a better life on your own with your children.

I don't advise the first as I have seen what it has done to my SIL. She is now a bitter woman and unhappy.

Whatjusthappenedexactly Thu 31-Aug-17 14:26:26

I know that deep down japonica. Thank you tho'. I so so hopeless . I don't want to give up on him but it's like having another "being" in our relationship. Make me so sad to think I have to move on because of alcohol. I've only accepted it this long because my Dad was one too. He managed to overcome mind you but not until we all left home very young. X

Wolfiefan Thu 31-Aug-17 14:29:20

He doesn't want to change.
So he won't.
Don't think your kids aren't affected by seeing this. They are. It's really unhealthy.
I'm sorry but you know what you have to do.

LoniceraJaponica Thu 31-Aug-17 15:33:00

"I don't want to give up on him"

I know how hard it is, but ultimately he isn't your responsibility. If he can't take on that responsibility himself, you don't really have any choice.

You need to protect your children, and protect your finances.

My nephews and niece hate their dad BTW and don't want anything to do with him. He is a walking vegetable with mush for a brain.

Remember

YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM

But you can try not to enable his behaviour. If he falls downin a pool of vomit and soils himself leave him there. He needs to understand how his behaviour impacts on himself and other people.

JaimesGoldenHand Thu 31-Aug-17 15:37:05

Agree with all PP.

Suggest you try and find an AlAnon meeting to help you with coping with him. These are meetings for you as someone living with an alcoholic, not for him. If nothing else, try their website.

ivenoideawhatimdoing Thu 31-Aug-17 15:37:14

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Alcoholism is an awful addiction, it takes away everything if it gets serious enough.

If he won't acknowledge the problem then I don't really have anything to suggest other than do what is right for you and the kids.

Most importantly remember the three C's of dealing with an addict.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

pradathescammer Thu 31-Aug-17 15:39:39

I was the drunk and falling pregnant stopped me drinking.

I have a healthy relationship with alcohol now but do sometimes still think 'fuck I wish I could just get wasted' when I'm overwhelmed but I don't act on it.

pradathescammer Thu 31-Aug-17 15:41:14

I will never forgive my mother for staying with my addict father, your kids won't thank or forgive you either.
Don't keep putting them through it.

LoniceraJaponica Thu 31-Aug-17 15:55:06

Please listen to Prada

expatinscotland Thu 31-Aug-17 16:00:27

There's a lot 'him', him, him here. And me, me, me, I, I, I. 'I don't want to give up on him' 'I don't want to move on' just because of this . . .

But you have kids here who are seeing all this. They are seeing this and you are setting a role model for their future relationships. And they see you, staying with an alcoholic, compromising days out for their alcoholic step dad, doing all the work because of alcoholic step dad, themselves secondary to a relationship with an alcoholic.

'Daughter gets disappointed when we stop off for a drink on days out.'

That is so sad. It's sad that you put up with this alcoholic because he doesn't yell or get violent. Do you really think that's the best you can do? That that is something you want your kids to see and pattern their own lives on? Believe me, they know exactly what he's doing, they register the change in his behaviour.

He won't stop drinking. Why would he? He's happy carrying on like this. He's told you as much.

You need to do what's right for your kids here.

NerdyBird Thu 31-Aug-17 16:07:08

Who is looking after your children if you get home at 8pm and he is drinking from 2pm?

TroysMammy Thu 31-Aug-17 16:28:25

I met my dp 3 years ago. He hid it very well and it was not until he moved in I realised he was an alcoholic. He drank neat vodka. I never saw him drinking but I knew he had. As it is my house I always found the bottle, sometimes empty, sometimes half full, which I would pour away. When he was sober he was wonderful. He signed up to alcohol counselling but would buy vodka on the way home. He would insist on cooking and would literally present me with shite on a plate.

I made a chart showing drunk days and sober days which fluctuated wildly but the drunk days got less.

I bought tickets for a show we wanted to see and warned him we would not be going if he hadn't stopped drinking. I told him he can't change the past (shitty childhood) but can only change the future for the better.

He realised he had too much to lose, me, a home, my niece who adores him and asked if she could call him Uncle, his health and potentially a future.

He has been sober for just over 2 years. He has a job he enjoys, he is a fabulous cook, he helps around the house and garden. He is loving and I love him very much. He has no desire to drink and I think it massively helps that I don't drink alcohol, never liked it much or the hangovers.

I may be lucky but when he has a problem I'm always on pins thinking this could tip him over the edge. He has better coping skills now.

pradathescammer Thu 31-Aug-17 16:34:20

Please don't leave your DC at home whilst you're at work with a drunk. That is a safeguarding issue.

LoniceraJaponica Thu 31-Aug-17 16:34:26

How old are your children? Why can't you put them first?

As far as he is concerned your husband will always put his drinking before you and your children. How long will it be before he is unable to work?

Does he drive to work? Is he within the legal limit to drive?

Sorry to keep haranguing you, but I have seen all this at first hand in the car crash of SIL's marriage.

Atenco Thu 31-Aug-17 18:07:21

I think if you refuse to separate, you could at least go to AlAnon meetings.

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