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Advice needed for first letter box contact letter, how to start etc etc

(40 Posts)
april74 Wed 04-Mar-09 10:31:13

Well says it all really, I am due to write my first letters.

I know of plenty of things that I want to say and have the photo's ready, I just struggling with the first line.

I have to write 2 letters 1 to the birth parents and another to her half sister who has been long term fostered by a family member.

We changed the spelling of our DD first name, but I will write with the old spelling.

Just need advice on how to get started.


weregoingtothezoo Tue 17-Dec-13 17:34:27

Thank you Teen for your suggestions. I was thinking of waiting to see if the second letter is as bad so I can take it up as a pattern.
What I was told my letters were supposed to be for is amongst the many things I'm not allowed to mention. The LA said it's right for the adopters to also be able to censor - their word- so that they are responsible for what DD receives. I will keep writing though. It's all I've got.

TeenAndTween Sun 15-Dec-13 20:55:02

weregoing do you get any support your writing letters?

Any 'censoring' should be done really by the letterbox coordinator, not the APs as such. In our LA both BPs and APs get guidance on what to say / not to say in contact letters.

We have set months for contact letters which avoid Christmas and birthdays (though we do take Christmas cards in the contact letter which we save up for Christmas).

I am very sad that the APs seemingly write poor letters to you. Can you talk to the letterbox coordinator about this?
I guess there is not much you can do really. But do keep up your contact, even if rejected I think the LA will need to keep them on file, which in later life your BD may choose to access.

Italiangreyhound Sun 15-Dec-13 16:19:15

Oh SM it is so sad to hear you have suffered losses in many months but good that you feel able to receive letters even in this time. I really hope letter box works out for you as a good way to hear news etc.

StupidMistakes Sun 15-Dec-13 15:58:53

Italian I was told by social services that letters are not permitted around Christmas and birthdays as these are very emotionally charged times. I hadn't heard of two months either side. also social services asked for months which were too emotional for me, and months I had suffered a loss in. I decided I was happy to hear at any time, as I have suffered many losses in my life and would therefore rule out pretty much every month.

Italiangreyhound Sun 15-Dec-13 14:53:01

weweregoingtozoo so sorry this is so painful, although totally understandable.

I can't imagine what is happening what the letter you describe, I can't imagine how anyone would feel smug, maybe trying to be positive has sounded smug?

I am also wondering if not sending letters/cards around Christmas and birthday is a standard thing as I am sure I have heard this before.

Hope this improves and you feel better about the letters.

weregoingtothezoo Sun 15-Dec-13 12:23:29

I couldn't write on this thread at first as it was too hard. It's so painful.
My first letterbox contact from DD's adoptive parents was 7 typed lines that were very vague and came across (I realise this is my emotionally loaded interpretation) as very smug.

I've written twice now. Both letters were rejected. Now her adoptive parents have PR they have asserted their right to censor the letters and not to allow me to write for two months either side of her birthday or Christmas. They will not send photos or write to me by name.

It feels combative - but surely we should be on the same side? DD's side.

Any more will be identifying. I am so encouraged in some ways that many parents put so much effort in and involve their DC. But so sad that DD isn't with people who would do that - when I know nothing else about them it paints a very controlling picture.

Italiangreyhound Sat 14-Dec-13 20:24:49

It is very interesting to read comments about the letterbox contact. And to know that adoptive parents and birth parents will both be engaged in it.

I know that things can be hard to write about and so it is useful to hear people's comments.

We are not yet adopters but hope to be.

I guess the name issue may be different for different people. Some people may change a name for security issues so that may mean they can't tell the name changed.

StupidMistakes Sat 14-Dec-13 16:11:27

As a parent who has had her child adopted <and is due a letter in January which will be my first also> tell them the truth, tell them you changed the spelling, I mean how would the mother feel if she chooses to have a tattoo of her daughters name and then its spelt wrong? Tell them how they are doing, likes dislikes, how school hunting is going, whether you have chosen a school, if they have any hobbies, past times, take part in sports, have friends, plans for Christmas ie spending it at home, we have a real tree little one helped decorate the tree etc. Their favourite tv programmes like in the night garden etc, none of it tells them who you are but i know i need to know as much as possible about my ds <he was 3 when he was adopted and knows his name well now, and when i met the adopters they confirmed that they wouldn't be changing his first or middle name>

PLEASE PLEASE keep up letter box contact, i know its hard but the parents if anything like me are relying on them letters to keep them sane.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Mon 09-Dec-13 23:43:36

I'm back!!
I asked my friend, yes, initial letter box contact but now stopped as 1 child contract was to respond to letter and they stopped coming. The other child got older and didn't want to do it
Interestingly, she said she quite liked it with the 2nd child, who was relinquished, as it was like a baby diary

Led us onto something else. The fact that the records are available from age 18 and, this could be a whole new thread and sorry op to take over wink but how to handle the child potentially then asking for information and finding out he's the result of a sex assault? We thenwent into the whole "was it better when adoption records were sealed" conversation. sad

QOD Mon 02-Dec-13 19:45:40

Yes my friend offered to have a baby for dh and I, so she is a DIY surrogate baby grin
She's nearly 15 and I ruddy love her, we've got thru to grumpy hormonal rants and she is a lovely girl.
Thanks for letting me be so nosey!

TeenAndTween Mon 02-Dec-13 09:05:45

QOD - i think it is natural to be worried. tbh as long as you've brought her up being honest with her, which it sounds like you have, then that's the best you can do.
(It sounds from your wording that she born via a surrogate? That's a very loving thing for her birth mum to have done. (Forgive me if I am reading too much into your words)).

QOD Sun 01-Dec-13 21:53:23

Thanks, just interesting as I gave a lot of thought to how dd may react as she was obviously conceived to be given away. Always worried she may feel rejected but we've always made it clear how it was. I do overthink a bit :D

Lilka Sun 01-Dec-13 19:13:01

I've never struggled with letterbox being a 'reminder', although I know other people do. I guess because I get constant reminders anyway, and would even if I hadn't been writing

As of this year, DS no longer wants me to write, so I've stopped, but before then he never seemed bothered. He's always 'known', and the letters and cards have been coming since he arrived, so for him I think the letters were just normal and expected

TeenAndTween Sun 01-Dec-13 14:37:23

QOD - it's not a constant reminder, as it only happens twice a year. But it is part of who my daughters are, and their life story. Yes, my younger one doesn't feel it and understand it in the same way as her sister does, but the fact remains that they are adopted and we would be doing my younger one a disservice if she grows up not aware of that and the reasons why.

QOD Sun 01-Dec-13 13:20:41

I know my dd doesn't think about any of it at all in her day to day life, she just is who she is, I am who I am and it would be like constantly reminding her that we aren't an average family.

I understand it more for older children if they have memories of their birth parents but, I don't know, it's like a constant reminder isn't it?

You sound flipping amazing though!

TeenAndTween Fri 29-Nov-13 19:33:34

We do letterbox contact, and exchange (good quality) photos.

The bit I find hardest is in fact supporting my DD to write her letter. I want it to be her letter, and yet we have to ensure she doesn't include location identifying information. Also we want to encourage her to consider the birth families feelings / understanding so sometimes we have to say 'you can't say that as birth family will misunderstand it / find it upsetting'.
I find this hard as I don't want my DD to say I am preventing her from writing what she wants to her birth mother. And it brings up feelings for me that I am 'second best' for her (DD was already in y1 when she went into care).
I tend to cop out and let my DH do the supporting/reviewing, as he is by far the best dad DD has ever had.

And don't get me started on how hard it will be when (not if) DD has direct contact when she turns 18 (if not sooner). But it will be the right thing to support her, so that's what we'll do.

Lilka Thu 28-Nov-13 17:32:07

I wish I could feel half as positive about contact as she does

It's easy to feel positive (or at least, to feel 'yes this is worth it' if you can see benefits happening in front of you. But you're not going to feel particularly positive if it doesn't seem to be having many benefits. In fact, if I compare my views on contact now to what they were say 1 or 2 years ago, my views now are slightly more negative. Purely because of what's happened this year. Before, they wer both fine and DS was hapy with the letters, now all this stupid stuff has happened and DS no longer wants me to send letters so I don't

In fact, looking back, many of my contact posts are very positively framed, because it was working. I think my post from today is more...realistic of the big picture over time. Worth it but very difficult and emotional

In general, I feel quite neutral about contact. I also regret sending anything to DD1's BP's. I think it's a really bad idea for some children, and a good idea for others. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is maybe I'm not as quite as positive as you might think at first look, and your situation is totally different to mine and maybe in your situation I would feel the same way, I have no idea

Hayleyh34 Thu 28-Nov-13 16:53:10

Just to add - my DD was a relinquished baby but I struggle with contact. My DD wasn't relinquished until she was 7 months old and then was moved around a lot before we adopted her when she was 3.

I found the first contact letter relatively easier to write (one to birth mum, one to birth dad and one to half sibling in long term foster care) but as the years have gone by I have found them harder.

The birth father contacted us for the first time this year and requested a photo (which we will not do). This bought out a lot of emotions. As far as I know he has never even met DD and I found myself feeling quite resentful about the situation.

Lilka is as always a great source of info and I wish I could feel half as positive about contact as she does

Lilka Thu 28-Nov-13 16:37:34

I'll try a response now - obviously this is very personal to me, and it's very different for other parents

Letterbox is definitely supposed to be for the childs benefit. It may benefit the birth parents as well, but that's not supposed to be the primary goal of it. On the other hand, some birth parents find the letters very difficult, and so they never write back, and it's all one sided. I think it's easy to assume that all birth parents benefit and it's for them, but in reality I think there are a relatively significant group of birth parents who it doesn't benefit, but it's set up anyway in the hope the child will be helped by it. On the other hand, I know there will be birth parents out there who count down the months and days till their next letter

I have written a lot of contact letters to siblings as well, but I find those to be very different to birth parent contact letters, very different emotions attached

Letterbox brings up a lot of emotions for me, a lot of feelings. Writing it is difficult, recieving it is difficult. However, I know that letterbox has benefitted my DD2, so it is has been worth it (I no longer write to birth mum) while it lasted, which was many years. If you can see letterbox benefitting your child, then that makes it easier because you can see the purpose playing out in front of you, and you can say 'this is really going to help my child' when you struggle. If your child is too young to really comprehend it, or doesn't seem to be getting real benefits from it, it can be harder

It does force you to confront not being the only mother in a head on way. Of course that's the reality of adoption, your child has a past, and birth parents, but when you write a letter, you really have to confront that head on, and that also happens when you recieve a letter. Now for me, I'm okay with this, but I know that some adoptive parents find that aspect of letterbox very difficult

For me, the hardest thing is confronting my feelings about birth mum. I'm really talking about letterbox with DD2 and DS birth mum here, not DD1's birth parents (she hated contact, I hated it, so I stopped it). I have many mixed feelings about DD2 and DS birth mum on the other hand...worry, sadness, anger, sympathy, can all come to the fore at once

I am sure if DD2 were a relinquished baby, writing would be different, but of course she's not. She was removed for serious neglect and abuse. The letters I would recieve from birth mum sometimes very forcefully reminded me of this - the dysfunction in her life was very evident in her letters. She also clearly had absolutely no understanding of how to raise a child. On the one hand, she would write that she was happy to hear that DD was happy, and she thought I was a great mum, which made me teary and feel very grateful to her (for being strong enough to write that to me when her children were taken from her against her will and she wanted them with her, not with me). But then DD and I would ask to hear some of birth mum's memories of DD, and she would write back that she was happy to share...and I will never forget this letter, one of her memories was of how she and some of the kids (DD included) liked to spend lots of time having fun and they all liked to have a drink together. Apparently DD2 loved WKD and she was happy and had funny when she drank 'a bottle'. It didn't help that DD2 herself thought (and probably still thinks) this was a really cute story. I don't think getting a 3/4 year old child tipsy/drunk on alcopops is cute. Obviously. But that's one good example of having to confront DD's past in writing.

And there's the affect on DD. She might recieve a letter, we would go through it together, and then she might cry and say how much she missed her mum. And that's hard, because I have to deal with the fallout. And then my own feelings related to that - eg. why does DD love and forgive her every single piece of neglect and abuse, no matter how awful the details? I hate dealing with all the problems caused by birth mum, while she never has to see it. I'm so sad that birth mum had such a bad life that she thinks like this and lives in such dysfunction. And so on and so forth. If DD were going through a bad patch when i wrote, it would be harder, because I'd be thinking 'what I want to write is, "she's really struggling now, and that's actually your fault because you x,y,z, did this, exposed her to that, and I'mreally angry right now". But obviously that's not appropriate, and I want a good letterbox relationship, so I'd try extra hard to get the right balance in the letter

Writing is hard, because you are always trying to get a want to write something good, and you strive to get the right do i write about difficult issues like diagnosis or therapy or not? You are very conscious about what you are writing (or I am anyway!)

I'm sure I've made it all sound really difficult. I can't speak for anyone else, other adoptive parents will find it a very different experience of course, and I expect you would get a completely different response to someone else

But as I said, I know letterbox has been of benefit to DD2, so for all the difficulties, I certainly don't regret writing to her, and I would do letterbox again, because ultimately I am doing it in the hope that it will be of benefit to my child, and I am willing to go through any amount of issues if it will help my child

Lilka Thu 28-Nov-13 14:27:27

No it's certainly not the norm to have no contact, that ended quite a long time ago, the norm (the most common situation) is letterbox once or twice a year. It would be pretty uncommon to start an adoption with no contact at all. But there's a lot of varying situations

QOD Thu 28-Nov-13 14:20:49

I guess I still thought of old fashioned non contact adoption as still being the norm and dd knowing all about her birth family as being unusual!

I can imagine some of the feelings, DD's birth great nan asked to meet her when she was about one and it freaked me out completely as to WHY. I actually can't remember if if happened now! I know I ended up crying down the phone to birth mum saying along the lines of "but she has 2 great Nan's already and your nan isn't one" 'twas a very stressful time I can't tell you!

Lilka Thu 28-Nov-13 14:12:03

excitedmamma photos are very situation dependent and different LAs have different policies. I've always sent photos but many others don't. Social networking is a recent concern, before 2009/2010 or so it just wasn't on the radar. However since it has become a concern, many agencies are becoming more wary of sending photographs. It still might be the most appropriate thing to do in certain situations but I think it's a bit less common now

QOD that's a pretty big question! I don't have the time to write a proper answer now, but I will later. For now, suffice to say it's very complex, I have had many emotions over the years attached to contact, and of course since every situation and every adoptive parent is different, people can feel very differently about it

I think it's quite likely your friend writes letters because a very large majority of adoptions have one or two letters a year attached. However it ends up, it's uncommon for an adoption to start without indirect contact. A small number of adoptions have face to face visits with birth parents, quite a few adoptions have sibling visits, and a minority have zero contact at the outset

QOD Thu 28-Nov-13 13:51:43

How do you you really feel about doing it though? Is it to supposedly benefit the child or the birth parent? If the child was taken away as opposed to relinquished does that make a difference?

A new friend has adopted 2 non related children, the oldest was taken from an addict mother at birth and was in hospital then foster care, the 2nd was relinquished at birth due to circumstances. 2 polar different starts. I will ask her at an appropriate time about whether she has to do it.

My dd birth mum is my friend anyway as she's a straight surrogate baby, so she sees her a couple of times a year, we're friends on Facebook etc.

Dd would, if given the chance, rather not see her than see her, I don't mean she doesn't want to see her, but she couldn't be less interested. She's 14

excitedmamma Thu 28-Nov-13 13:40:15

We have been instructed NOT to include any photographs in our letterbox contact.... any photographs must be sent to Social Services and then the birth parents invited in to view them... all to do with social networking... wonder if this is the same for everyone?

Lilka Thu 28-Nov-13 12:33:13

That's lovely angels smile

There's not a right or wrong way of styling it - it all depends on your individual situation. This thread shows quite a range of communication which all works for us, whether it's a newsletter style letter, or a 'Dear X' very personal type letter, we all put different things in, address birth family in different ways - whatever it is, you just have to decide what's best in your own individual situation with individual birth family members and childs individual background/needs

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