Today is my eldest girls birthday

[darkriver19886]

Happy birthday big girl. I hope your day is filled with fairies and princesses. love from your birth mummy.

I sent a birthday card with letterbox and know it's likely she won't see it until she is much older. I wish i could say it's gotten easier but it hasn't.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

I have no idea what to say that won't sound crass, but please accept a (((hug))) from me. x

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

I don't know what to say either. I know that I think about my LO's birth family on such days. I take loads of photos to record her life and have kept everything I have safe in her memory box.

[jellycatspyjamas]

Happy birthday to your big little girl, I hope she has a fun filled day. I hope you also have some time and space to think about her and to mark her special day in a way that feels meaningful to you.

[darkriver19886]

Thank you, everyone. I managed the day well. Apart from someone commenting "at least you can have children." (How I didn't lose my temper is beyond me.) it was a safe day. I kept off social media until 4 pm and then a friend messaged me inviting me to an open mic night. So the night ended well.

[Ted27]

Well you can't account for the idiots of the world can you.

Glad the day ended positively for you. I'm sure these occasions will never get easier but maybe how you cope with them will.

This may be a really stupid idea, so apologies in advance but I wonder if you were to get both girls a charm bracelet and add a charm each year on their birthday, then you would have something tangible to pass on to them in the future. Just a thought.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I think that’s a nice idea @ted27 though I’d be more inclined in this circumstance to keep and wear it myself rather than think I might be able to pass it on. I’m not sure, as my daughters mum, how I’d feel about my daughter having that kind of gift from her birth mum. I’d like to think I’d find away to be ok with it but suspect I’d struggle.

adoption is a challenge for lots of reasons, this is another one of those things that will hopefully settle in time.

[darkriver19886]

It's not something I would wear to be honest. I have a memory box and that is stowed away as it's to painful. Wear that bracelet would be painful reminder.

[jellycatspyjamas]

I think that’s my discomfort with having it to give to your daughters too - if they were to wear it, it would act as reminder of their adoption which they might not want, and put them in an awkward position if someone asked them about it.

I honestly think finding a way for you to mark their special days will help you heal but my sense is it needs to be something for you rather than something for them.

[Italiangreyhound]

darkriver I just want to say you are an amazing person. This must be so hard.

Sending love and positive vibes. But like others do not really know what to say.

[darkriver19886]

Thanks everyone, I know it's hard for many adopters to know what to say to BPs.

[Allington]

I suspect nothing anyone can say will take the pain away...

If there was, I would say it in a heartbeat, but as I can't, just sending you my warmest wishes

[MintyT]

@darkriver19886 hello I think if you often and send you my love and best wishes,

[Allington]

I know it's hard for many adopters to know what to say to BPs

To know what to say to any parent who has lost a child, for whatever reason. I cannot begin to imagine the pain. There was a period when a SW was trying to stop my relationship with my daughters (was their respite carer), because I was encouraging them to speak up about their wishes rather than being shunted around to SW's convenience. It ended up in court, and thankfully our relationship was upheld and the SW removed - and shortly after turned into long term foster care and then adoption.

But those 2-3 months were hell, and at least I had the prospect of a legal challenge and to see them again. If it had gone the other way, I can't go there in my imagination. There would have been nothing anyone could have said to me that would have helped.

[darkriver19886]

It just never stops. Today I got a letter to apply for healthy start vouchers. Having to ring the department with a level voice was hard. I cried this morning probably harder then I have ever done in a while.

[MintyT]

Just stoping by @darkriver19886 to see how you are getting along and sending best wishes love and strength to you

[Phimma]

I'm a BP.

I feel your pain, but it does get better with time.

Just be kind to yourself - I did reunite with my child, many years later, even met his AP who thanked me for the gift I gave them.

Have hope.

[Ted27]

I have reported inspector1983 s comment

[inspector1983]

It was only a question

[Ted27]

a very insensitive and intrusive question to someone clearly in pain

[Ted27]

reported

[LorelaiRoryEmily]

Reported here too

[darkriver19886]

Thank you everyone for reporting.

@Phimmaa have you thought about joining our BP thread?
Hi @MintyT I am doing okay, however, it's my youngest birthday this week as well. Luckily I have therapy but it's still tough.