Considering adoption at the end of fertility treatment - will I really have to wait a year?

[dreamingofchocolate]

Just wondering on others experiences - just come to the end of 12 months of fruitless clomid treatment and am on the wait list for injections to assist ovulation, but adoption has seriously crossed our minds (am considering taking my name of the list for injections, we are feeling the strain on our relationship now). Looking on adoption sites, they won't consider you until 6/12 months after infertility treatment has finished, and I may have to have counselling??? Hoping for some postiive views and opinions please! (ps, changed my name, am a longstandng regular)

[suejonez]

It will take a year to do all your research and get your homestudy started apply now. Also I didn;t tell them its just finished IVF (and they didn;t ask) until some months later and the hmestudy was underway by which time it was a year since my IVF finished. Anotehr piece of advice is to get counselling (even one session), tell SW if they ask that you were concerned about rushng from fertility treatment to adoption but counselling showed what you thought you knew - that you were reconciled to not having a biologival child some time ago...

My last IVF failed March, applied for homestudy in april

[nevermore]

My B/SIL have been through the process & MAY be approved this September but started the whole thing about 18 months ago so I'd say start asap. I also think they won't consider you unless you're no longer trying for 'natural' children.

P.S. I'm adopted, have the most fantastic parents (who are now the most fantastic grandparents) and can only recommend it v. highly!

[dreamingofchocolate]

Thanks sue - only just looking into it so not sure what you mean by homestudy? also, did you go through your local authority or an agency - would either offer counselling on application?

[dreamingofchocolate]

.. and thx nevermore - great that you had such a positive experience!

[KristinaM]

dreaming...not to put you off, but adoption is really really hard and will take you at least a couple of years from applying to getting your child.A "baby" in adoption terms is up to 2 years old. Most come from very troubled backgrounds and may have medical and developmental issues. Its not the same as having your biological child. I'm not saying its worse, its just not the same.

If I were you I woudl not give up on the assisted conception treatment until you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you are finished with it. I know it is hard, but the adoption assessment is even worse! Ovulation induction has a very good success rate - please dont give up unless you are really REALLY sure.

Sue - your plan sounds good. But didnt they get details of your IVF treatment from your medical report?

[fortyplus]

A friend's brother & his wife have just adopted the sweetest baby you ever saw from Singapore. Maybe a foreign adoption would be a lot easier than a British one?

[oldnewmummy]

Fortyplus - I wonder if you're talking about me? Does your friend live in Sheffield? We have the sweetest baby that ever was, recently adopted in Singapore, and it's a very small world!

(Some of you may remember me asking questions about adopting from India a few months ago. In the end that was out as we live in Singapore and so the Singapore government will only allow you to adopt a non-Singaporean baby if your government will guarantee citizenship, which Uk won't. In the end it all happened very quickly as we did a private adoption. However there is no-prescreening in Singapore (i.e. no Home Study) so they don't check you out until after you have custody of the child, so that process is still ongoing. Have held off from "official" announcement until all legal, and also because slightly embarrassed at how quick this was compared to the tortuous process you guys have to go through.)

Sorry, have hijacked your thread!

To answer the point made by fortyplus, you can only adopt from Singapore if you live here. I'm sure Sue Jones can give you tons of information about adopting from overseas in the UK.

But I'd just like to say it's the most wonderful thing we've ever done, my little boy (almost 4 months) is an absolute joy and we love him to bits.

Good luck!

[KristinaM]

congratulations oldnewmummy! That's wonderful news!

[suejonez]

Congrats oldnewmummy

Overseas adoption is no easier than domestic, some stages are easier some are harder and time scales are about the same. Different problems, you have to pick which problems you feel you can most easily deal with.

Intercountry - children tend to me younger but are often institutionalsied and can still have attachment and behavioural problems and rates of foeatal alcohol syndrom is very high in some (usually Eastern European) countries. Little or no infomration about birth family and very low chance of ever being able to find any birth family, which sounds OK when you're starting but you very quickly realise that this is a major drawback for your child. Cost - UK will charge you up to £6,000 for your homestudy, foreign agency will charge you up to £6,000 for their services, local coordinators will charge similar amount, plus the cost of living in and travlling to the country. Language difficulties.

Domestic - free process, no language difficulties, possibly older cihldren, possibly with difficult backgrounds or special needs. However not necessarily the case, I know many families who have been successfully placed with children under 2 very succesfully and some as young as 3 months. It really depends on your agency/council.

If you don;t know what a homestudy is then you have some serious research to do! Most councils and voluntary agencies run information evenings, I'd recommend booking yourself on one of those. If you don;t want to use your local council I have heard good things about Coram and Catholic childrens society.

[fortyplus]

oldnewmummy - not you, but glad you're so happy, too. My friend's brother lives in Ireland but has still managed to adopt a baby from Singapore.

[suejonez]

oh an oldnewmummy - don;t worry about the speed hting - no adoptive aprent I know holds grudges about anyhting - speed, country, age etc etc they are one of the most supportive sub-groups of parents I've come across and always delighted when another child is matched with a fmaily in whatever circumstances.

[oldnewmummy]

Fortyplus:

Well just goes to show what I know then, as I always thought you had to have residency here first!

Just proves how hard it is finding your way through this minefield - since we got our boy I've had at least 4 sets of people calling me via friends of friends to find out how a British person in Singapore can adopt, as they keep coming across a brick wall.

(Since my sister in law is 50 and if you were her friend you'd probably be similar, I thought you were being somewhat flexible with the "40plus" btw

SueJonez: Thanks. Although this has, by necessity, turned out to be a bit like a celebrity adoption (i.e. private adoption, but no I haven't bought an orphanage/shagged Brad Pitt ) in the end it's all about the child, and we'll do everything we can to make sure our son has a happy and secure future.

[suejonez]

my son is adopted from overseas and I tell you the comparisons between me and Angelina Jolie did get tiresome and she is fed up with being compared to me too

[suejonez]

though if BRad Pitt insisted, I might consider...

[oldnewmummy]

[beluga]

Does anybody know if you have to wait a year after fertility treatment if you want to foster? I have 2 children but we have decided not to continue with fertility treatment and would like to foster.

[suejonez]

sorry have no idea, it may depend on council but you can ring and ask. I suspect you would not have to wait.

[KristinaM]

sue - last time I spoke to Angelina she was very flattered to be constantly compared to you

beluga - I dont know either, but I suspect not. Fostering is a job like childminding, so they tend to be (slightly) less nosey about your medical history etc. Like any job, there is a lot of training and paperwork. Hours are very long and the pay is less than teh minimum wage but many families find it very rewarding. How old are your children & how do they feel about fostering?

[beluga]

We haven't discussed yet with the children, we need to fill out the initial forms yet. My kids are 7 & 5. I would to foster little ones but don't know how likely that is.

[fortyplus]

oldnewmummy - well I'm 46, so not that far off 50! My close friends vary in age from 28 to 61 - sometimes I can't believe I've got a friend who's husband is nearly 70! Funny thing is we've been great friends since I was 16 and she was 31, which didn't seem that odd to me at the time, but I guess is fairly unusual.

[hifi]

how can you say an adopted child is not like your own? maybe from your own expierience but certainly not mine or the numerous other people i know who have adopted children. i love my daughter more than anything in the world.you are talking as though they are inferior.

[fortyplus]

hifi - who said that? Sorry - I skimmed down the thread & couldn't see it.

[hifi]

Kristinam

[fortyplus]

Oh yes - I see. But I think she's saying that's the case if you have to adopt an older child with problems? I think you'd bond with a baby just as though it was your own, but maybe take longer if the child was older? I know a few people with adopted children and I would never have known if I hadn't been told - they seem to have exactly the same warm, loving relationship with them that I have with the 2 I gave birth to.

[hifi]

Took us 10 years to finally get our little girl thru adoption. clomid, 3 ivf on failed adoption, how we survived we dont know but so glad we stuck to it. Yes its true its tough, grit your teeth and play the game. yes its also true these children are from troubled backgrounds, most people i know have had babies from 9 months onwards, their mothers are usually drug addicted and the babies are when they are born but most come through with very few problems but you do take a risk. I would highly recommend Coram Family over a local authority.we saw over 20 profiles of children and only a small proportion had severe problems.