Eep! All the choices are scary!

[PeppermintPixie]

Husband (31) and I (28) are starting to look into bringing some children into our family. We have looked into literally every option there is for creating a family and every last one of them completely terrifies me. I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has any experience with the following:

Adopting from the UK! (where I live) - 1yo-5yo sibling pair. Terrifying because I cannot seem to find any evidence that I might end up with happy healthy children and I am not equipped to deal with RAD or learning/mental disabilities. Sounds cruel, but I have to be realistic.

Adopting an infant from the US via private adoption - Terrifying because it costs around £20,000 and can fall through at any moment if the birth mother changes her mind!

Adopting from China Healthy Children programme - Terrifying because of similar worries regarding RAD and learning disabilities later in life. Also because of expense £20-30,000.

Natural Birth - This is my LEAST favourite option. Episiotomy/tearing makes me physically recoil. I did a google image search...that was not a smart idea. The only way I could even CONSIDER this is with voluntary C-section which carries its own large risks and downsides.

Surrogacy - Not legally enforceable in the UK even if it were my egg and hubby's sperm. Would be akin to private adoption worries but with the added downside of losing a child which is genetically OURS.

If there are options I'm ignoring, or if you have anything to counter-act the overwhelming tide of downsides I'm seeing, that would be helpful. Please no rude or shaming responses.

[wonderpants]

Hello, I'm a foster carer, but I just wanted to stick my two-penneth in!

Parenthood is a risk, you have to accept that from the start, it is a journey that you don't have complete control of. You can't control your children, they will grow up to be who they are, with their own complexities, even in the most perfect environment.

I suffered from tokophobia, a fear of giving birth. I had never had any form of internal examination before getting pregnant. I thought getting pregnant would cure me, but no, it got worse! I asked for a termination at 20 weeks because I couldn't give birth. It was a very planned pregnancy with clomid.

My midwife and GP were brilliant. Right up to the last moment, I was allowed to elect for a c-section. I had no examinations, and despite having some trauma, no stitches.

My feeling, just from your post, is that you are looking for a risk free way to become a parent, and that just doesn't exist. I mean it very kindly, but exploring your tokophobia may be your first thing to do. The more you put in, the more you get out of parenting, even now.

[VanitasVanitatum]

Natural birth and surrogacy also carry the risk of learning or other disabilities - I would respectfully suggest that if you could not cope with a disabled child then there are no ways open to you.

[PeppermintPixie]

Natural birth and surrogacy allows for a certain degree of control over things such as drug and alcohol abuse, both of which drastically increase the chances of RAD and certain learning/physical disabilities.

There are many people who could not cope with a disabled child. To suggest that I shouldn't search for a way to have a family just because I want a healthy family is a little cold. So thank you for your suggestion but I was requesting helpful advice, not judgments based on what I am realistically aware I could deal with.

[PeppermintPixie]

Ugh, can't edit the posts? That reply was for VanitasVanitatum.

Wonderpants, I am not looking for a risk free way to become a parent. I am exploring the options and posting here to outline what risks are scaring me. I was rather hoping for helpful advice about how to cope with these risks or pointing out options I haven't considered yet.

[PeppermintPixie]

SO! I will repeat. Please can I have replies that are HELPFUL in nature and not JUDGMENTAL? I am not asking your permission to be a parent nor for your opinion on my parenting, I am asking for your experience in maybe dealing with some of my fears.

If you feel you can't reply without some judgey side comment on my choices, please do not reply at all. Thank you.

[MabelSideswipe]

Your best and healthiest option is therapy for your fear of birth. I would suggest hypnotherapy as its fast acting and you will be able to consider your options more rationally.

[AnnieLewis]

Are you based in the UK? Under the Nice guidelines you are able to request an elective c section for whatever reason you may have. If your consultant is opposed you are allowed to calmly request they refer you to someone who will be happy to give you a c section.

I do feel a little worried though that having a child yourself (where you have total control over drug/alcohol consumption and health during pregnancy etc) is so far down your list. And assuming you don't have fertility issues it is also obviously the cheapest by far. Even if you went privately for the birth it would be way cheaper than the adoption/surrogacy options.

[AnnieLewis]

Sorry - that is not meant to sound judgy - just that cost is clearly a factor for you as well..

[Comingoutofhibernation]

I'm afraid I agree with the others. It does read as if you want a guarantee of a healthy child, and that is just not possible. There is no way to eliminate the risk of having a child with disabilities. If you are going to be a parent, you have to accept that risk.

What would you do if you had a healthy child, who then became ill, or had an accident and developed problems as a result? We are all at risk of something like that. It is fine if you are not prepared to take that risk, but if you want to be a parent, you don't have that option.

[Devora]

The bottom line answer: it is usually simpler and easier to start a family the biological way. Tokophobia is quite common, and there are many women who are scared of giving birth. If this is your main reason for considering adoption and surrogacy, I strongly advise you to seek help with this issue first and foremost. It may be that therapy to overcome your fear is the answer, and/or it could be that an elective caesarean would be right for you. An elective caesarean on a young healthy woman is really not a big deal. It certainly shouldn't be the factor that makes pregnancy and birth impossible for you.

You do need to find sympathetic help, though, and it will put your mind at rest if you do this before getting pregnant. I suggest you start with the NCT Helpline.

Best of luck.

[Devora]

Oh, and Annie is right to point out that if the NHS isn't helpful to you, you could go for private maternity care (expensive, but nowhere near as expensive as surrogacy or international adoption).

[PeppermintPixie]

Okay. Thank you Annie and Mabel for actually addressing my concerns. Unfortunately I'm going to have to get my information elsewhere as that was immediately followed by ANOTHER judgey comment.

I almost didn't post here because I knew there would be tons of people wanting to berate me for being afraid. Comingoutofhibernation...I literally don't care how it comes off to you and I was not asking for your crappy attitude about my want for a healthy family and my fears LEGITIMATE FEARS about the process involved.

I hope you got a lot of righteous joy out of putting me in my place about my worries and fears. Please live your life knowing that you could have been helpful and supportive to a prospective mum and instead you felt the need to pass judgment.

Ugh, mummy mafias, I swear.

[Scotslasslivinginfrance]

How far into the adoption process have you gone, it may be worth going along to some of the sessions that are run by the Local Authority or private agencies to gain more knowledge and ask questions.

A child will be not be placed within a family who have concerns that they are not best suited for that child and likewise a lot of time is spent looking at the specific skills and attributes that adoptive parents have and placing a child that best suits their family. It's a long process with the aim of meeting the needs of both the child and the parents to find the best match they can.

[Lancelottie]

Whoa there.

Comingoutofhibernation is being sympathetic (and might, I suspect, have a child with an unforeseen disability?). I can't see any berating in that post at all.

Any prospective parent ought to think through how they would deal with the unexpected. We have one autistic child, possibly two. It's been a long road...

[Comingoutofhibernation]

I was not berating you for being afraid, or saying your fears are not legitimate, of course they are, and are shared by most parents. I was trying to be helpful, and give you another point of view. However given your incredibly rude response I will bow out, and leave you to those that are more to your taste.

[wonderpants]

I'm going to bow out as I have offered some very personal information from being in a similar position to yourself, and come through the other side. I don't think anyone has been judgemental at all, I find the most caring and empathetic ladies on this board. You cannot move forward until you can cope with discussing these issues. I'm really not sure what you were wanting people to say?

Good luck!

[ApplesTheHare]

Hello OP, to be honest there is no way of bringing children into your life that guarantees they won't have or develop some sort of physical/learning difficultly (or other health issue).

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

Peppermint people aren't be I g judgemental. Maybe brusque in pointing out that there is no risk free option to becoming a parent. In fact being a parent is often pretty terrifying and not for the faint hearted

I've got one biological and one adopted child - by far the most straightforward process for me was getting pregnant and giving birth, even with her being premature and therefore the possibility of long lasting effects. Adoption isn't physically intrusive but is exhausting and painful in almost every other way.

I don't have any direct experience of surrogacy or international adoption, except to say that I know it's a changing field and what might be permitted one year isn't necessarily permitted the next, so research carefully.

[Kewcumber]

In my opinion the option with the least downsides are birth children with an elective caesarian. I haven't had a C section my my feeling is that the risks whilst present are not "large" and you have the certainty of pre-natal care, and no potential mind changing.

I'd be amazed if you could get a private infant adoption from the US for £20,000 but it's been some years since I've known anyone do one. A Canadian acquaintance of mine is looking into US adoption and they're looking at C$100,000 including travel and accomodation and legal and agency and birth mother expenses though I have no idea if thats representative. The cost of your home study in the UK alone will probably cost £5,000 - £10,000 alone before you add in foreign agency costs and legal and travel and accomodation costs.

China adoptions have a wait of over 5 years from Logged in date (ie after you have been approved in the UK and your papers are sent to China) so an overall wait of 6+ years. There is a special needs programme in China which is significantly faster but it doesn't sound like this would be appropriate for you.

If I'm honest (whilst trying to be helpful) you will deal with significantly more robust comments on your choices and parenting from a social worker during the adoption process than the two replies you've had here and so you need also to factor that in to your decision.

[TSSDNCOP]

Kewcumber you should consider a role in the diplomatic Service

[Kewcumber]

And my reply cross posted with the others (and in fact your most recent post) because I was actually trying to be helpful and was googling to check my understanding of some things before posting.

And the "mummy mafia" you refer to are people who are living what you have asked about (for the most part) it might be worth wondering why people who have lived through probably almost every one of your list of options have pretty much come up with the same response.

[MabelSideswipe]

I really do help you get some help for your fears. I fear flying. I know its irrational in the logical part of my brain but it feels completely rational in the primal, emotional part. This is what hypnotherapy can help with. I can easily avoid flying so I am yet to tackle it. If you would like children you need to tackle the irrational fear of both vaginal and caesarean birth.

You can't ask another woman to be a surrogate mother for your child if you really think its a process to be feared. That would be a deeply unethical thing to do.

[Kewcumber]

Just to correct closers post I know it's a changing field and what might be permitted one year day isn't necessarily permitted the next

[Lancelottie]

What none of us have said yet (and probably all assume it went without saying!) is that our children were wanted, are loved and are worth the terror hassle.

I've rarely met a non-scared prospective parent.

[ilovemargaretatwood8931]

OP- I'm puzzled at how you've interpreted some of the comments that people have offered here. What exactly are you looking for? (I really don't mean that to sound judgemental or abrupt or rude, I simply don't quite understand)

All the ways of having a child that you've listed are associated with various 'downsides'. FWIW, I really think that comingoutofhibernation made some good points. After all, you state- 'I am not equipped to deal with RAD or learning/mental disabilities. Sounds cruel, but I have to be realistic.'
Also I think devora makes excellent points.
Good luck.