My 14 year old DD is absolutely terrified. Please help me navigate this

[GnTwithlime]

Hi,

I'm very concerned about my DDs already fragile mental health. This has been triggered by the tragic murder of Sarah Everard, but has clearly been a volcano of worries, waiting to erupt.

DD has actually coped remarkably well during what has been an incredibly difficult period, but since going back to school, I've noticed her anxiety levels have shot up and last night she completely broke down after a group chat with some friends about the recent news. DD hadn't actually heard about it and was absolutely devastated. The chat turned into all of the girls talking about how unsafe they felt, which teachers at school gave them the creeps etc.

DD came down to dinner and absolutely crumbled, saying that she can't cope with this as well as everything else. She's just worrying about everything. Covid and another possible wave, climate change and now this.

I tried to explain that the tragic news about Sarah has sparked a general conversation, but she is no less safe today, but how can I explain to her that these sometimes subconscious, protective behaviours that all woman have, are wrong, in the sense that we shouldn't have to do them, but that she still needs to do them at the same time? I found myself contradicting myself with every sentence!

It's just such a difficult conversation to have. An almost impossible balance to strike.

I am just heartbroken for her - for all of them. All this worry. All this fear. It's an absolute overload and is a tragedy in itself.

She sat on my knee last night, which she hasn't done for years, wrapped her arms around my neck so tightly and sobbed and sobbed. At that point there were no words I could give. She just needed to feel safe.

Honestly, I'm broken. How do I help her without scaring her even more?

I know I'm not alone here.

Any advice would be massively appreciated.

TIA

[GnTwithlime]

Just giving this a bump

[crumpet]

Teachers at school will have CBS checks, which might be reassuring (yes it won’t remove all risk but helps). Also does she have a nice form teacher/year head she knows she could speak to? Demand for our school counsellors has definitely increased- does her school have any?

[someonelockthefridgealready]

I would suggest getting in touch with your GP or a teen mental health charity to get help and coping strategies in place for her. Un-Mumsnetty hugs to both of you

[Standrewsschool]

young minds

A friend has had a lot if support from this organisation.

calm

This Calm app is very good for teaching you techniques etc to relieve stress. A relative, who is a senior school counsellor recommends it to her pupils. It’s very good. Maybe you could listen to it together.

[Standrewsschool]

Suzy Lampurghtrust

The sad case if SRah reminds me of the disappearance of Suzy Lampurgh. There’s links and advice above for information about personal safety etc.

Hugs to you and your dd.

[SplendidSuns1000]

Could you try to encourage her to see how Sarah's tragic death has sparked a huge movement that could help to make things safer? Explain to her about all the things we do as women to try to keep ourselves safe and how with the Reclaim These Streets movement hopefully we'll be able to relax more when out and about. Encourage her to keep talking to you and encourage her to stay off social media for a while if it's triggering her anxiety. A lot of people are sharing their personal stories of assault and harassment and while it's important they're supported, she needs to know if she doesn't have the capacity to read about it and support people and causes, that's okay.

There is a huge amount of pressure on young people today to be 'the change they wish to see' and it can be incredibly damaging. She may feel under pressure to save the world and it's just too much.

Suggest some anxiety coping mechanisms such as colouring, yoga, meditation and even turning her phone off. Maybe you could do these with her? Or set aside an hour a day to do something relaxing and calming?

[GnTwithlime]

Thank you for all your replies.

@crumpet, yes. When she first started in year 7, she really struggled and was in regular contact with the student support officer, which actually helped settled her in very well after that. I will definitely be getting in contact with the school this week. I wanted to see how things played out the next day or two before emailing.

Thank you @someonelockthefridgealready.

@Standrewsschool, thanks for the links. I will have a look.

[giletrouge]

Don't underestimate the fact that she's sharing this with you. She trusts you with her fears.
I felt like this and trusted no-one - had a lot of therapy in the end. Had I been able to confide in my own mother, I might have been a lot better off. I might have still needed the therapy but I can only think you being able to hold her and let her weep is a strength on your part and one that will be helping her process all of this. Sorry I don't feel very articulate but perhaps you can see what I'm trying to say. I know it's not a whole answer but I do think it's significant OP.

[Hufflepuffmamma]

@GnTwithlime I have heard of a service for kids called Kooth. My cousins daughter used it. It is some sort of platform where they can get free counselling and support all online . It seems to be all done by text not video or anything . All the workers are qualified and trained as counsellors or support workers and it’s anonymous for the kids.

It really helped cousins daughter massively. So might be worth a try for her.

Lots of forums ( all moderated bu staff) where she might see similar struggles to make her feel less isolated by it .

[GnTwithlime]

@SplendidSuns1000, that's what I was trying to explain, but not sure how well. Yes, the pressure most DC feel right now is absolutely immense. I feel so sad for them. It's just so unhealthy.

DD is such a deep thinker, so she's not good at having a thought and letting it go. I'm the same unfortunately and I explained to her that there are techniques that can help her not catastrophise. I think right now she's just thinking she will always feel like this, because life is a bit crap, to put it bluntly and I agreed that this year has been awful and that it's completely justified to feel like that, but that doesn't mean there aren't things she can do to help her through it.

Definitely agree with a social media cleanse, although she's only on WhatsApp. I often suggest she comes off the phone or laptop and read a book, as she loves to read or even play on the Nintendo! Just to escape and not have that constant cycle of worry.

[GnTwithlime]

@giletrouge, thank you. My mum pointed that out today actually. It is certainly very important and I hope she always feels that way.

@Hufflepuffmamma, I haven't heard of this. Thank you. Will look into it.

[SingToTheSky]

I don’t know what to suggest myself, my DD1 (13 in year 9) feels the same

[JovialNickname]

It's so difficult, because it's been such a strange and isolating year. However the whole Covid situation has really led all of us to internalise the fact that the outside world is a strange and terrifying place, and that danger is the general public and those we do not know. Which is a warped view of course, but natural, especially for a sensitive 14 year old.

Would it help to reassure her that we have just been through a very scary and unusual period in history, and that the outside world is not something to be frightened of? There are risks of course but life is there to be lived (a tough one to explain when the government have enforced the opposite for the last 12 months!) Ironically the threat to women from men hugely exists behind closed doors, from family members, partners and ex partners. The risk of a masked man jumping out from behind a bush is tiny, but we've all now been conditioned to believe we're only safe if we hide at home. I think in the wake of Covid we're going to see the issues that your daughter is having throughout society sadly - people seeing others and wider society as an inherent, ever present form of threat.

[JovialNickname]

It's so hard at that age, I remember learning about meteorites at school and that they'd hit the Earth in the past. I was properly terrified a big one would hit, for weeks. But that was within the context of normal life, in the 90s. I had a cosy, humdrum, average, safe life going on around me. It must be different if your "normal" as a teen is global fear, guilt at inadvertently killing the elderly, health/propaganda messages fired at you from all sides, and being under house arrest with no schooling or friends.

[FoonySpucker]

@Standrewsschool

Suzy Lampurghtrust

The sad case if SRah reminds me of the disappearance of Suzy Lampurgh. There’s links and advice above for information about personal safety etc.

Hugs to you and your dd.

Her name was Suzy Lamplugh.

No "r"

[FoonySpucker]

Goodness me!
and an "l"

[Lepetitpiggy]

My 15 year old dd has had a dreadful three months since Christmas in a terrible state of anxiety, dissociation and terror. I believe the normal teenage awfulness that we all go through plus this dreadful situation of them having to be alone, plus all the other shit that is going on in the world has made so many them into mental wrecks. She's had school counselling and some charity counselling which have a worked a bit,, but we are very lucky that we can afford a private therapist for a few sessions and so are starting that this week.
All we've been able to do is try to reassure her that she is safe, we're here and loads of people love her. It's heartbreaking. Lots of tight hugs - if your dd will let you.

I really do get how you are feeling

[Lepetitpiggy]

Snow Camp is the one we used. Sounds a bit odd but they have a mental health help side to them. She's had 6 sessions with a lovely counsellor from there

[tinselvestsparklepants]

Lots of kind, silly Tv watched together. Escapist stuff. Sometimes just 'being,' not talking, can be really helpful. It's awful out there at the moment. It's healthy to learn that switching off from it all sometimes is necessary and justified.

[NewUser123456789]

Go through the cold hard numbers and show that being killed by a stranger is vanishingly unlikely, an order of magnitude less than being killed in a road traffic collision. The odds over a lifetime are infinitesimally small. Also point out that the very reason these stories make the news is their rarity, dozens of people die prematurely every day without so much as making the sidebar.

Pointing out that the most likely people to murder her already live in her house might not help matters though.

[Chooseausernamenow]

@NewUser123456789

Go through the cold hard numbers and show that being killed by a stranger is vanishingly unlikely, an order of magnitude less than being killed in a road traffic collision. The odds over a lifetime are infinitesimally small. Also point out that the very reason these stories make the news is their rarity, dozens of people die prematurely every day without so much as making the sidebar.

Pointing out that the most likely people to murder her already live in her house might not help matters though.

Unfortunately if so many grown women can’t seem to grasp that the risk is so low, a teenager may struggle even more to understand it. All the hysteria yesterday probably won’t help either.

[ittakes2]

If you can afford private counselling I would consider getting her some.

[Midlifemusings]

You can remind her that while each case is a tragedy, the reason this made the news and is such a big thing is because it is so rare. Look at some stats as to the number of women in the country, how often they walk and then compare it to the number of women who are abducted / murdered by a stranger while walking outside. Help to put that fear into context of reality. That news travels and builds up beyond the actual reality of the situation and can make it seem like it is an everyday event when likely it is a 1: x,000,000 times you got for a walk that a change of an abduction would happen.

[SplendidSuns1000]

@Chooseausernamenow I think perhaps OP means the talk of sexual harassment and assault, rather than murder specifically.