Is anyone up? Dd up crying with anxiety

[Namechanger1776]

Dd has been awake since midnight crying with anxiety about going to school. She is year 7 in a school where she doesn’t know anyone.

I wondered if anyone had moved their child’s school because of this and how much of a chance she needs to give it before I look at moving her.

[shakeyourcaboose]

Up because of screaming toddler! Has she been able to say what exactly she is so anxious about!

[shakeyourcaboose]

Meant a ? There!

[shakeyourcaboose]

Sorry just reread. Have you moved?

[ohfourfoxache]

Oh bloody hell

You need to talk to the school ASAP.

Has she had anxiety problems in the past?

[Namechanger1776]

She just hates it. All her friends went to a different school. I chose the local school. I feel like an arsehole as it suited her sister but doesn’t suit her.

I don’t know if she just wants to be with her friends so she isn’t giving it a chance.

[aidelmaidel]

Hope she calmed down. Everything seems worse when it's dark outside.

[More2Fly]

What age is year 7? (Sorry not in UK)

[Namechanger1776]

She is 11 it’s her move up to secondary/high school.

She has finally gone to sleep.

[Jackyjill6]

Telephone her form teacher or head of year to see if they can offer support. Year 7 is a big transition for many.

[vivprod]

Hi I am awake because just dropped DD to university yesterday and feel anxious.

My DD had very much the same problem and we moved her straight away. She would not settle and would come home crying everyday for one reason or another, the school were not very interested to be honest.
What is it she does not like about the school? is it purely because her friends are not there.
My DD found it very difficult to break into new friendship groups at that age, because most established.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Oh, that's really tough op.

Any chance of getting her into the other school?

I think it's only natural to want to be with the friends she's had all through primary, it's a difficult age to suddenly have to build a whole new friendship group.

Is there any good reason the other school would be a bad move?

[Starface]

I would also have a quick Google for CBT for anxiety self help techniques. You need to get into exactly what her thoughts are and then find ways to address them directly (ie teach her to talk herself down & realise she doesn't have to buy in to these thoughts), coupled with strengthening her ability to self soothe so she can get through those periods of peaking anxiety. Mindfulness is one possible strategy here, but there are loads available. A quick private child psychologist/CBT therapist would also help here. Don't expect nhs help to be timely. Yy talk to school but use your own brain to decide if they are helpful and seem to understand or not.

Getting through this successfully will be a brilliant life lesson, as almost everyone will have faced and overcome situations of intense anxiety. She can do it. Transition to secondary is hard for many people. Remind her of this, help "normalise" her experiences.

[PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed]

I absolutely take the opposite view to starface above.

How empowering for her to realise that she can make big decisions for herself and that you, her parents, will listen and support her. This isn't practice for her life. This is her life.

Who is likely to be the happier adult? The one who expressed her feelings, was allowed to help control her destiny and felt like her voice was strong, or the child's who stayed in a situation they wanted to leave and had to have counselling to even tolerate it.?

[Flaminghotcocoa]

purple she is an 11yr old child though and children sometimes need adult support to cope with a situation. Just pulling her out also gives the wrong message (ie if it’s not easy straight away you give up) . It sounds like she has gone into the school with the pre-conceived idea that it was going to be awful without her friends there. It’s early days.

My dd had a really rough year with friendships in year 8. We did everything we did to support her, by the end of the year she had made a new friendship group who have turned out to be an amazing group of girls. Years later their friendship is still rock solid. If we had ‘empowered’ dd by pulling her out she would have lost her place at a fantastic school and never made these friends.

[Namechanger1776]

I want her to give it a fair crack of the whip. 2 weeks isn’t.

I’m setting a goal that if by Christmas she still feels the same I will look at moving her but she has gone into this thinking she hates it.

I don’t want her to be unhappy but the other school is massively oversubscribed and we are not in catchment I don’t even think she would get in.

[fatbottomgirl67]

My dd went through this. It was heart breaking. I spoke to the school. They helped her join various lunch clubs so she wasn't on her own. It helped but it took till Christmas for her to find her feet. Horrible time. She will find friends as she gets to know people. My dd ended up loving the school. Became prefect and left wirh brilliant exam results. Still keeps on touch with her friends from school. Hang on in there it will get better x

[NancyJoan]

Talk to her head of year. They should be supportive and helpful. If not, then perhaps look at moving her. I think giving it until half term, or Christmas, is reasonable.

[Oblomov18]

Did you discuss this with her, prior to her going? What did she say? What did she say about her sister? Even though her sister is a different personality?

Talk to her HoY and tutor.

[papayasareyum]

my friend made her child stay in a school which gave her dreadful anxiety. She thought it would be teaching her a bad lesson to move her. She thought it was better for her daughter to toughen up and get used to it. She thought I was a bit soft for moving my dd when she was very unhappy. Years later and her daughter has had horrendous anxiety for years and years and massively resents her parents. I say move her. If you were miserable at work, you’d look to change job, wouldn’t you?

[Padparadscha]

Both me and my partner were sent to different secondary schools to our friends. Both of us had a terrible five years. She might not, she might eventually fit in, depends on the personality. I wasn’t ‘strong’ enough to tough it out though, being outside my comfort zone when I already found it horribly difficult to make friends meant I was very lonely (and eventually bullied). If you’d put my siblings in my situation (they weren’t ), they definitely would have found a way of instantly fitting in.

I would give it another couple of weeks. If she really doesn’t want to stay, move her - by Christmas all her old friends will have ‘moved on’.

[heartofgold]

i'd look seriously into the practicalities of moving - contact the other school etc. - before making any promises to do anything. first of all you need to find out if it would actually be possible.

in the mean time talk with her about strategies as pp above. is there anyone she knows from primary? how strongly pre-formed are the existing friendship groups? i think it's actually a very good time for making new friendships as everyone is "new".

[Beamur]

I don't think it's that unusual to find this first few weeks hard. My DD has just started High School too. We had tears the first week, but she's getting happier. It's hard to make new friends and I think this is the biggest challenge for many kids.
My neighbours child is at the same school and said Christmas was a real turning point and after then she realised she had made new friends and was overall feeling much more settled.
Even our big grown up eldest boy (man really) phoned home to see how his little sister was and said he found the first few weeks pretty hellish!
I'd try and stick it out a little longer as there's no guarantee somewhere else would be better and it doesn't sound like she's likely to get a place at the school her friends are in.
Speak to the school though, they may have some advice.

[Bunnybigears]

Namechanger1776 this was me (many years ago) went to a different school than any of my primary school friends. I cried and cried, wrote my mum notes saying I was going to run away or kill myself. I made some friends by Christmas time and joined a school sports club so made some acquaintances in different years as well. Turns out these friends werent exactly the right fit and by the end of year 7 I found my people and never looked back. Honestly had the best time of my life at secondary school after that. Definitely contact the school and let them know, pastoral care is a lot better now than when I went to school!

[IrianOfW]

Tell her HOY but I wouldn't move her yet. DD was similar and it took her until the first half term to feel comfortable and from then on she just flew. Same situation as your DD as well - all her friends went elsewhere -but she made new friends and kept in touch with the old ones that mattered

[MorningsEleven]

I moved one of mine due to anxiety. She became physically ill because of it. Moving her was a good decision.