My father was a heroin addict. AMA ** title edited by MNHQ **

[Doaha]

Title says it all really. Doing this partly for myself because I never really get to talk about him, especially not about this, the topic is very taboo in my family. Ask away

[Doaha]

The title should say heroin not hero.. Autocorrect 🙄

[N0ManJan]

Is he still in your life? How much contact did you/do you have with him?

[Doaha]

Is he still in your life? How much contact did you/do you have with him?

He took his own life 7 years ago after a relapse. He was always in my life up until that point, he did dissappear sometines for a few days and then call again like nothing happened. But that was totally normal and other than that I spoke to him every single day, saw him about once every week or two.

[rm1234]

I've nothing to ask. My brother was also a heroin addict. Just please always remember that the addict isn't the real person. He's at peace now and know that if he could go back and not do it of course he would. ❤️ lots of love

[LouMumsnet]

Hi there, @Doaha - we're just bobbing on here to say that we've edited your thread title as requested.

[Candlecandle]

So sorry to hear he passed away. 😭❤️

Someone in my family I'm very close to was also a heroin addict for years, but amazingly got herself out of it and has been free of it for over a decade now.

For what part of your life was he an addict? I'm so glad you saw him regularly.

[Doaha]

rm1234

He was always just dad to me, the addiction was part of him, didn't stop me loving him though. Thank you so much ❤️

[Yellow1c]

How did he get involved in heroin?

When did you become aware he was an addict?

Did you ever see him take it and if so, what was that like?

[Doaha]

For what part of your life was he an addict? I'm so glad you saw him regularly

All of it really, he began smoking heroin at 15, and injecting a few years after. He was actually off it when I was born, but relapsed when I was 3. He wasn't an extremely obvious addict, he hid it well until towards the end. But he was honest about it aswell so I pretty much always knew.

[june2007]

So sAd I had a foste sister whoes dad and uncle both dies of methodone. (as did a lad I went to school with.) And my foster sisters mum had strokes which was I think due to her addictins and apparently ende up in a care home in her early forties. Addiction. 9of all kinds.)Is so destructive but it is possible to separate the person from the addict.

[Doaha]

How did he get involved in heroin?

He was a very troubled teen, and person in general really. By the age of 15 he was living on the streets of London, hanging around with people he shouldn't have been, I think he would have wound up on it though regardless of the people he hung around with.

When did you become aware he was an addict?

I can't remember exactly when, but as a child I always knew he was an addict, I just didn't understand or know of exactly what. Around the age of 13 he sat me down and explained it properly to me, and I just remember shrugging and saying 'ok', he had expected a much bigger reaction, but children see and know a lot more than we think.

Did you ever see him take it and if so, what was that like

I never saw him take it, thank god. I did see him after he'd taken it though, when he was nodding out. Sometimes it was worrying, sometimes I'd get upset because he was on and off it a lot. But mostly I just wanted him to be OK. Towards the end I remember having to take him to the bathroom and sit with him while he went, pick him back up off the toilet and bring him back to the sitting room. At the time it didn't phase me, but he died a few weeks after that, so now looking back it makes me kind of sad, and a little guilty sometimes that I stood by and said nothing. But there was nothing I could have done really.

[nellyburt]

Were your parents together and did you live full time with them both?

Has it affected your adult life?

[Doaha]

Were your parents together and did you live full time with them both?

They split when I was 6, dad had us every second weekend and every Monday night.

Has it affected your adult life?

It definitly has, although if you asked me a few years ago I'd have said no. I have quite bad attachment issues. If my dh is on a night out and doesn't come home when he says he will I freak out and very often think the worst. I have a huge fear of the people I love killing themselves, to the point where I'll dream about it far too often and wake up upset.

I went through a phase of really wanting to try it, I obviously never did, but instead of trying that I turned to doing a lot of cocaine. Iv stopped that now though.

But it's also made me quite compassionate and understanding of people, I never look down on drug addicts, I'm not afraid to give them money on the street and I'm always willing to stand and chat. I'm actually very oddly comfortable around the type of drug addicts that people would normally be quite scared of.

[Doaha]

To add to that last one, I also suffer with very bad anxiety, but I don't know if it stems from this. My older brother is the same, possibly even worse than me. And my other brother has quite severe depression. Once again, I don't know if it stems from this, but it might.

[Doaha]

Bump

[OhIDontFuckingKnow]

Hi OP. You say you always knew he was an addict before he told you - how did you know?

[Doaha]

Hi OP. You say you always knew he was an addict before he told you - how did you know?

It's not even so much that I knew he was an addict, not in those words anyway. But I knew he wasn't like my friends dad's, I knew he went awol a lot, and as a small child I noticed and to be honest, it hurts me to say this, but I was pretty embarrassed of him.

By the time he told me he was an addict, I was more just happy that he'd finally explained it properly, but also not in the least bit surprised, people would have mentioned small things to me or made comments aswell. I remember when he and my mother split up, one of my brothers friends who was never very nice to me, making fun of me because of my 'junkie dad'.

I don't know its really hard to explain, I suppose I always just knew he wasn't the way a dad is supposed to be, and I knew he smoked hash from a very young age and drank a lot so substance abuse in general has always been a big part of my world.

[OhIDontFuckingKnow]

Thank you for answering Doaha, I really appreciate it. Can I ask another please? I'd be interested in your thoughts if you're happy to share. A family member is taking care of her nephew due to his mother's heroin addiction. Nephew is 12 and doesn't know about the addiction (it's been explained as illness so far). He still has contact with his mother and they have a loving relationship. But I think if this goes on much longer he is going to have to be told the truth. Were you 'glad' (perhaps relieved is a better word?) when your Dad told you? How did you process it at that age?

I'm sorry for your loss too , it's a horrible horrible thing addiction.

[Scbchl]

How did he meet your mum?

Has she ever been an addict or was she just accepting of him being an addict?

Did you go to him every second weekend from the age or 6 and were in his care alone when he was on Heroin?

[Doaha]

Were you 'glad' (perhaps relieved is a better word?) when your Dad told you? How did you process it at that age?

Abseloutley, this is something I've always prided my dad on, how he took the time to sit down and be honest with me, he treated me like his equal and he made me feel like I deserved the truth.. Because I did.

Having said that, I was always a very mature child, possibly because of how I grew up. But he still waited until I was around 13 to tell me. I think children always deserve to know, because not understanding is what causes resentment.. Atleast in my case. However if he was to be told, I would say it would be best coming from his mother.

[EntirelyAnonymised]

Hi OP

Was your weekend contact with him overnight and unsupervised? Was there any SS involvement?

[Doaha]

How did he meet your mum?
They met at work, he was clean when they first met.

Has she ever been an addict or was she just accepting of him being an addict
No, the most my mother has ever done is smoked hash once and hated it. She doesn't even drink. I also wouldn't say she was accepting of it, it completely destroyed their relationship. But she loved him, and because he was clean when they got together, I think she denied it to herself a lot. When he died, I told her a while after why he had taken his own life (going back on heroin) and she just cried, and cried because she was so devestated that I had to tell her that, and that she'd brought children into the world with a man who was so.. I don't know.. Unstable? I don't blame her at all though.

Did you go to him every second weekend from the age or 6 and were in his care alone when he was on Heroin?
So.. Kind of. This is a difficult one, because he had a girlfriend who lived with him up until I was around 12, so she did a lot of the care for us when we were there, if he wasn't clean. However, in times where he was quite bad, we didn't go down, but more because he would dissappear, not so much because we didn't want to or because anyone else was stopping us. When they broke up, it was only really me that went down for a long time, my eldest brother hated him, and my other brother just wouldn't really go without him.

[Doaha]

Was your weekend contact with him overnight and unsupervised? Was there any SS involvement?

As far as I know, other than them going through the courts to sort out access, there was no involvement from anyone at all, that I know of. Dad was quite good at hiding it, mam almost always believed he wasnt on it, when he was. Overnight contact was unsupervised apart from his partner who lived with him being there, up until they split

[EntirelyAnonymised]

You say that you think your mum was in quite a bit of denial and that you were the only sibling to go for visits most of the time. How’s your relationship with your mum? Do you have any resentment towards your mum for allowing this contact to go ahead when you were a vulnerable child?

I may be projecting here. My father was a very abusive man and my mother was mostly in denial that he reserved it for her. Once they separated, contact remained and abuse continued. My relationship with my mother is strained now that I am an adult.

Do you have positive, ‘normal’ childhood memories with your dad?

[Doaha]

You say that you think your mum was in quite a bit of denial and that you were the only sibling to go for visits most of the time. How’s your relationship with your mum? Do you have any resentment towards your mum for allowing this contact to go ahead when you were a vulnerable child?
My relationship with my mother has never been great, but not for those reasons. My mother, instead of getting help after their relationship, went on to have a lot of resentment for me for being so close to my father. She had loved him so much that, when they split, the love turned to hate. And although she was in denial, it was more so for herself, because she didn't want to admit to herself that she had put so much of her life into an addict. I don't have any resentment for her allowing me to see him, she wouldn't have had much luck stopping me anyway. Not when I got older atleast.

Do you have positive, ‘normal’ childhood memories with your dad
Yes, loads. My dad was really fun, he was the one who took us out to places like the beach, on tours, to the park, etc. He used to bring us to random places and make up a story about the place, or teach us about it, the history or what trees etc were around. He also read to me every night before bed, when I had nightmares in the middle of the night, it was always dad I shouted for and he used to come in and lie in the bed with me until I fell asleep again. He was a totally screwed up human being, but he really did love his children, and it always showed.