I was a victim of domestic violence - AMA

[Wetwashing00]

I was in 2 separate violent relationships. Both totalling nearly 9 years. Ask me anything

[fantasmasgoria1]

Me too! First marriage was 12 years s every category of abuse you can imagine. Second marriage was physical, psychological and verbal abuse. What made you stay?

[Wetwashing00]

Shame and no support.
I was 16 when it started, we both had issues with our parents and moved out.
I had moved over 60 miles away from my hometown.

[HelloBrass]

How did you manage to leave? How were you best supported during that time, or what sort of support do you think would have helped?

[Orlandointhewilderness]

how did it start?

well done on getting out OP.

[Wetwashing00]

I stayed in the second relationship because we had a baby. He was only violent to me after she was born. So I assumed it wasn’t forever.
Sadly he hasn’t changed.

[crazydoglady6867]

How come you didn’t lose your trust in men after the first one and ended up in a second, I don’t mean that to sound judgmental, I just know I would find it hard to trust anyone after that.

[crazydoglady6867]

Sorry I am assuming you are female with male partners there.x

[Wetwashing00]

I left many times, but I would always go back when I was begged. Probably because I had nowhere else to go and didn’t want the shame of going home to mum.

One day after a particularly nasty fight he had me arrested and tried to have me sectioned. He never begged me back, so I didn’t go back. It’s funny how
It was that simple to leave.

I had to press charges against the 2nd guy, he threatened me with a machete. I had my own house by then so it was just a case of keeping him out

[Wetwashing00]

I can never pinpoint when the physical abuse started, but in both relationships the guys were very controlling and I just wouldn’t have it. They must’ve felt frustrated that I wasn’t scared to voice my opinion or say no. So they had to beat me down to gain control.

[Wetwashing00]

@crazydoglady6867

I honestly believed the first was a narsasstic head case, he was teetotal & wouldn’t even let me smoke cigarettes.

The 2nd has major issues, drug issues, emotional issues, daddy issues, control issues.

I spent a good few years after the first doing what I wanted and treating a lot of blokes like shit.
There was a running joke between my male mates that one night with me would make them hulk out.

[fantasmasgoria1]

Were you completely controlled? When I left my first marriage I had to learn what my own opinions were, and basically discover who I really was! Was this the case for you?

[crazydoglady6867]

Aww, I am hoping you are in s better place now and receive respect from your current friends.xxxx

[Dragongirl10]

Op l am so very sorry for all you have suffered.

I want to ask why you didn't leave after the first hit, as surely going on state benefits/going home to a horrible mum/finding a room somewhere would all be preferrable to staying with a violent man?

(So glad you came through it )

[Wetwashing00]

@fantasmasgoria1

I hid my opinions and changed my personality when he was around.
When my friends would come and visit me I’d be the same as they remembered.
I suppose I was lucky that I was so young and still had time to figure out who I was afterwards. I was able to think of that time as just a bad nightmare.

[Wetwashing00]

@crazydoglady6867

Everything has been great for 8 years.
Thank you so much

[Wetwashing00]

@Dragongirl10
In the first relationship I was only 16 when he started being violent.
I didn’t have a clue about my own rights, I was constantly told by him my only option was to go back to my mum as I wasn’t old enough to get my own place.
my mum would’ve made me feel foolish for thinking I was capable of living away from her. She had told me not to ever come back in an argument so I took that to heart.
When she did find out she was horrified and protective but she never apologised for saying what she said.

I didn’t tell anyone what was happening, I didn’t even know it was called domestic violence. Not to mention the fact that I fought back every time, I thought I was partly responsible for his actions.

The second time I was always hoping it was temporary, we had a child together and I felt bad for wanting to end things after 1 fight, I was guilt tripped into 1 more chance, which eventually led to 976 chances.

[meringue33]

Glad you got out alive. My best pal didn’t. Well done on having had the strength to leave. Don’t hesitate to go for shitloads of counselling to build yourself up and ensure you can run like Hell next time you see a red flag xx

[Wetwashing00]

@meringue33

That is absolutely awful to hear of your best mate. I am sorry.

I wouldn’t ever hesitate at a red flag again!

[Dragongirl10]

Thanks for explaining op, so hope your life is happy now.

[Wetwashing00]

@Dragongirl10
Thank you, my love life has been happy for 8 years.

[Wetwashing00]

@fantasmasgoria1

How did you leave?
How long have you been free of dv?

[meringue33]

[fantasmasgoria1]

The first one, he had smacked my head over a hard chair arm several times. I went to bed and when I woke up it was like I had a realisation and ended it. The second one by the time it ended my children had left so it was easier. He was much less controlling and I stayed really because of familiarity. I was 41. A few months later I met my fiancé and I have been free of it for just over 2 years! Trouble was I never knew what a normal relationship was and it’s been a learning curve! I have been left with severe mental health issues but I’m managing!

[Flisspaps]

What was the best thing someone did or said to support you when you were in the process of leaving?

[fantasmasgoria1]

In the latter stages of the second one I managed to complete a degree whilst having to put up with my ex h behaviour (he was an alcoholic) and mental health issues and spinal issues. I was determined to try and improve my life.