Please come and help me with your wise and considered thoughts on going from being two full-time WOHP to one full-time WOHM and one SAHD. There has been a marked increase in shouting and flouncing (almost entirely me) in the Issy household.

[Issy]

In April DH retired (on medical grounds) from work, having always worked full-time in a stressful and responsible role. We suspected back then that there would be a honeymoon period followed by a tough adjustment as we went from two shoulder-to-shoulder, corporate-warrior, grumpy, tired, distracted parents to only one of the above and one parent who could focus thoughtfully and calmly on the children. The tough bit appears to have begun.

Just by way of background, DH's disability means that, although entirely independent and an extremely effective parent and house-manager, he can't really do the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. and we have an au pair couple to do that. DH is nevertheless very busy, not least because he spends a very necessary four mornings a week at the gym/physiotherapy.

The benefits of this new modus vivendi for everyone - DH, the DDs, the au pairs, even the cat - are obvious. Most importantly DH's general health has improved enormously and we have even seen some improvement in his disability. Collaterally, the DDs clearly needed the extra attention that DH can now give them, the au pairs feel that they have joined a warm and vibrant family rather than a precarious military exercise and our cat enjoys the company. So everybody is happier .... except me. I've actually started to resent the thought of having to do my stimulating, well-paid, autonomous job for the next umpteen years; I'm infuriated when DH fails to master a piece of household or child-related administration and quietly distraught when he does; DH has morphed into Tanya Byron and is being a little judgey about my battling-with-jet-lag-and-guilt style of parenting and, worst of all, sometimes when I come home I no longer feel like the cavalry but an inconvenient by-stander.

This is not a piece of DH-bashing. He is an exceptionally intelligent, sensitive and considerate man who is utterly committed to me and the DDs and is already close to achieving uber-husband and parent status. However, as DH has very justly observed, whether he is wilfully incompetent or trouncing the yummy mummies, I'm unhappy and he can't win.

[Issy]

I just wanted to come back to this thread and say 'thank you' for all the salient advice, analysis and support. When faced with any problem, I have an almost crushing urge to cycle through analyse problem -devise solution-implement solution, but I'm going to resist this time. This is one of those rare occasions when actually doing nothing but mulling over the advice and just living with it for a while - gently, flexibly, thoughtfully, humorously - is probably way more effective than implementing a grand battle plan. I think that way the necessary but subtle shifts in my role and my relationship with DH may just quietly happen and I will give DH the space to make the much larger shifts that he needs.

There again, DH bought DD1 new vests yesterday, entirely unprompted, having noticed that she'd grown out of her old ones. And then he undertook to label them. I'm not sure how much more shifting could be required!

[SixSpotBurnet]

Was thinking about this some more tonight. Unless your DH is absolutely superhuman, the time will come (in the not too distant future) when he will regard your arrival home like that of the cavalry - of that I have no doubt!

I must admit, though, that the sympathy about your job/empathy with what you go through is something that I feel I have lost. I think it is hard for DH now to really understand why I get stressed when I have too much to do at work. Conversely, I think I often underestimate how tough his life can be - which is why I love threads here about how difficult being a SAHP is. Well, I say I love them - I don't love them, but they are good for me!

[SixSpotBurnet]

Was thinking about this some more tonight. Unless your DH is absolutely superhuman, the time will come (in the not too distant future) when he will regard your arrival home like that of the cavalry - of that I have no doubt!

I must admit, though, that the sympathy about your job/empathy with what you go through is something that I feel I have lost. I think it is hard for DH now to really understand why I get stressed when I have too much to do at work. Conversely, I think I often underestimate how tough his life can be - which is why I love threads here about how difficult being a SAHP is. Well, I say I love them - I don't love them, but they are good for me!

[SixSpotBurnet]

Was thinking about this some more tonight. Unless your DH is absolutely superhuman, the time will come (in the not too distant future) when he will regard your arrival home like that of the cavalry - of that I have no doubt!

I must admit, though, that the sympathy about your job/empathy with what you go through is something that I feel I have lost. I think it is hard for DH now to really understand why I get stressed when I have too much to do at work. Conversely, I think I often underestimate how tough his life can be - which is why I love threads here about how difficult being a SAHP is. Well, I say I love them - I don't love them, but they are good for me!

[MrsWobble]

Hi Issy - we've half heartedly flirted with the idea of dh becoming a SAHD a couple of times - usually as knee jerk response to a childcare crisis of one sort or another. I have to say that your opening post sets out my fears about it.

I think also that Anchovy's analysis hits home for me. It's the risk of changing the nature of the relationship between dh and me that I would be most worried about and that's always been the root of my objection to what would have been, at times, a neat practical solution.

From what you have posted both here and previously you have a strong relationship with your dh and commitment to make it work. You need to talk and determine what "making it work" requires - whether that be practical or state of mind changes.

I also remember the massive readjustment required when dd1 was born - and also that there has been constant readjustment ever since as her, my and our needs changed. I would have thought a similarly evolutionary approach is needed now.

Best wishes in working through this - as I said, I recognise the emotions.

[Quattrocento]

Dear Issy

DH in a very similar position to yours, I think, with a disability that is hard for him to manage. He still works and manages by working a couple of days a week from home but I can see the time coming, not too far away now, where he will give up work.

Which then leaves all the financial responsibility to me (gulp). I am a bit scared of this. I've always worked a fair bit harder and had lots of trips etc so the inconvenient by-stander effect is all too familiar.

I'm worried about doing this wretched job which I quite enjoy btw but find tiring now. I'm paradoxically worried about not doing this job - if push comes to credit crunch.

I don't know a way of resolving this. I work better in harness with someone too. Perhaps we should think about ourselves as still being in harness, but ploughing different furrows of the same field.

that metaphor is crap but you get my drift.

[Anchovy]

Another thing I think I would do is try and find something that having DH at home has freed you up to do. Identify an upside, an angle, and exploit it.

Hmm - hard to think of something tangible. On a sort of analogous note, DH has a football season ticket and watches home games, so out say every other Saturday afternoon. I had previously been borderline mardy about this so I decided that we would positively do something, and we now go out cycling or geocaching on football afternoons. DCs love it and tbh DH has got a bit jealous.

But it could be something for yourself. Could you do an evening class or similar? That would really interest me, to do something completely different. I think you need to look at this as an opportunity.

[Anna8888]

Issy - can you do very specific things with your children that you DH doesn't?

I'm thinking of my DP, who does things with the boys (my stepsons) that neither their mother or I do and that, crucially, he really loves doing.

He did the morning school run right through primary for the boys (ie ten years in total) and, now it has ended, is itching to to DD's school run (only complex logistics means this isn't feasible at the moment); he takes one of the boys out for lunch in a restaurant once a week (ie each one gets to go fortnightly), taking them out of school for a quick Chinese or pizza. The boys adore this. I don't know whether English schools let parents do this at all (it has to be by prior arrangement with the boys' French school). He takes them to play tennis at the weekend, sometimes singly, sometimes together. He takes them ski-ing in February for a week - just the three of them, though they meet up with friends.

Obviously all those things are treats for him (and the children). If you don't want to feel sidelined as parent and resentful as sole breadwinner, maybe carving out some special treats for you and the children may help?

[Sycamoretree]

Oh, and what sixpot says about the weekends. I also often take them out with DH. And the weekends is a time for spoiling and treating to fun days and ice creams etc. So yes, I get to be the hero and I can't say I don't love that scream of MUMMY! that I hear from DD when she hears me coming through the door each evening. It's great to see the looks on their faces when i finally rejoin the gang.

[Sycamoretree]

Hi Issy, I'm in a similar situation, though we are a year down the road now with DH being a SAHD and me feeling cuffed to the big wage earning, coronary inducing job I find less and less appealing as the years go on. Our hand was also forced a little - but in completely different circumstances.

I've learned to let go. No, DH never did get a nice little social calendar going with the LO's. No, he didn't keep up the toddler groups - didn't keep up friendships with other mums that our nanny had made (and that we had continued on weekends etc). No, he generally opted out of the whole circuit SAHM's round here generally inhabit.

Instead, he beat his own path - with very little respect to daily routine, but with I suppose, an eye on what the kids and he would find most fun to do of a day. They help him in the garden, they help him with household chores. They go off to animal parks, they build impresive lego cities, but mostly, they are all pretty content and a lot happier than when we were both working.

As working mums, we tend to feel a bit of resentment because secretly or not so secretly, we want it all ways. I get so mad at DH if he dismisses a temperature or a rash, when I'm always straight down the GP. I want him to behave like a Nanny would - call me with ANY issue and allow me, the parent to decide course of action. Except he's NOT their nanny, he's their dad, and he's doing a great job really. He's cheap and reliable! I'm learning/have learnt to sup it up. You'll get there too - I promise. But it takes some readjusting!

[Mercy]

I don't have any experience of your situation but I completely agree with Sixpot's post.

My mum was the breadwinner when I was a child and she did pretty much as Sixpot does. We loved having her all to ourselves at the weekends.

And of course you will never be surplus to requirements, you're Mum!

[Issy]

Thank you everyone. This is just what I needed - support, sympathy and a soupcon of trenchant advice. There is so much to think about here, I'm going to come back to this tomorrow (work is interrupting Mnet again with pesky deadlines and conference calls). I'm also going to talk to DH this evening - a bit of an imperative after the early morning flounce that inspired this thread!

PS. Anchovy: Gloomy au pairs have finished their year and returned home to be replaced by new au pairs who are so cheerfully efficient it would make take the edge off Mary Poppins' self-esteem.

[SixSpotBurnet]

Issy, as you know I have been the WOHP while DH has been the SAHP since DS1 was 16 weeks old (ie nearly nine years now) and it is tough. It will be a big period of readjustment for you all.

You and DH will gradually get more comfortable with your changed roles. I suppose I have dealt with it by adopting what I imagine is often largely the "dad" role. It's me who has taught DS1 and DS2 to ride their bikes. It's almost always me who takes charge of our weekend outings and usually I take them out on my own, without DH. I also do things with them at weekends that DH is not a part of, such as going to church. In that way I feel I have carved out a big role for myself in their lives which doesn't revolve around cooking their tea and remember who has PE on which day (which, let's face it, is the dull stuff!).

[Porpoise]

Issy, your posts make me smile in sympathy.

My situation is not the same as yours but has similarities. dh and I are both self-employed and share the childcare. Sometimes, I am working more and he is 'childcaring' more; sometimes vice versa.

When ds3 was about six months, dh was finding it hard to get work so I took a very full-on contract for a while. And I was surprised and shocked at how powerful my reactions/feelings became as dh became more and more central to the kids' daily lives and I became less so.

It took me ages to adjust. And to get my head round the fact that, for the kids, the 'being there at the beginning and end of the day' bit is quite different than the 'being present' bit BUT it's not less important.

[mistlethrush]

Don't forget - its dh's 'job' now (plus APs) to make it work when the girls are there - however, when you're working from home, wouldn't it be possible to have, for instance, lunch together - 30mins that you set aside - which you need to schedule and ensure that you can be there and that they will be there? And then studiously talk about what they've been doing, not work (would probably be a good break from stressful work and leave you in a better form for the afternoon's session) - if it was a determined time and they were expecting to see you, I would imagine that you would feel more as if there was a 'slot' for you.

I also think that you might discuss what role you want/need to play with your dh - so that there is a distinct role there for you whenever you are there. Otherwise I imagine that things will continue to work as they do when you're not there - which is the 'routine' unless everyone knows different. Eg you could suggest that, when you are at home, you would like to do reading with the girls at ... or whatever will suit you as a family.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I don't think you should ever think of yourself as surplus to requirements. You're not. You are the only mother they will ever have and your presence, even if only mooching about at lunchtime with DH and aupairs, is never going to be surplus to requirements. I agree that having a clear role like the reading or whatever will probably make YOU feel better and will be nice, but TBH just being there is valuable too, for your kids, IMHO and I don't think you should undervalue that aspect of it.

[Anchovy]

Hi Issy.

Firstly, I think you are very self-aware, and I think that is a good thing. I think if you can recognise the way things are affecting you you can look at how to change your response.

I think this is all about you. The DCs are happy, DH sounds happy, hell the gloomy au pairs are happy. What I would be thinking about if it were me:

1. Am I a bit miffed that everything can function really well without me being the controller of it? (the answer would be "yes" in my case). I think that falls into the category of something I would have to acknowledge and suck it up.

1. Am I a bit scared that I am the sole breadwinner and everyone's financial happiness and security depends on me (again, for me, I think the answer would be "yes" - v scary idea). Again, I think I would have to acknowledge that it is scary and it is not wet to recognise it.

1. Am I scared that this is going to change the whole dynamic between me and DH (again, the answer would be "yes" as like you our whole relationship is built up on us doing the same things shoulder to shoulder. However counter-intuitive it may feel, I think I would need to revisit my relationship with DH to ensure it can "work" in a different way. And that would be hard and my relationship with DH is something that I am very lazy about, frankly, but I do think it actually would need me meeting it head on, and not just reacting to the new situation.

Also, I think that I would acknowledge that it might look quite different in 6-9 months, and then different againt in 2-3 years as the girls ages change and their needs and closeness changed - don't see this as a stable position but as a different but fluid position.

[Issy]

WWW: I actually work two days a week from home already . But if I do venture from my home office to the kitchen when the girls are there, with potentially DH and two aupairs already in attendance, I really am surplus to requirements. I realise now that if I want to get involved after-school I need to have a clear role e.g. the girls take it in turns to spend one-on-one time with me, reading a story, doing their homework etc.

[WideWebWitch]

Issy, could you also identify the things that you find hardest about WOTH and see if you can change some of them? For me it's not seeing the children much + no time to talk to dh so having a day from home (as I have had the past few months) has helped and has meant I have often been able to work from home on the days when there's a meeting with the teacher etc. I know you won't always be able to do it/make the events that you want to make but I feel as though I've seen more of my children since I started this arrangment. And I've tried to go out with dh more often as we haven't been very good about it recently.

[TheFallenMadonna]

I think that is spot on Issy. You need a niche.

We shall be going in the opposite direction from November (although not as high powered for me - no jet lag!) and I anticipate some considerable re-adjustment too.

[Issy]

That's a good positive way to think about it WWW. Hmmm. I think it's some of the things that Soapbox mentioned. I need to acknowledge and accept the immutable (I work, he stays at home; I go to New York, he goes to Lower Transition Assembly) and shape a more definite domestic role for myself that leaves me feeling involved but doesn't undermine DH. Anchovy's 'bang for your buck' philosophy is helpful here. Find the few things that make a real difference and go for them.

[WideWebWitch]

Issy if you ask yourself the question "what would make this better/me happy?" do you know what the answer is?

I agree, being the main breadwinner is v stressful.

[citronella]

It didn't work for me (among other things). I think this can maybe work for a short defined period of time but long term I think resentments, disappointments and lack of respect builds up.
It might work for you though

[OrmIrian]

And I agree that you are allowed an adjustment period. As sparkletastic says.