Managing personal feelings while being professional

[MaintainingBalance]

‘Jane’ is a mid ranking manager in my wider team - collaborative, assiduous, and produces good work. Areas for devt have included a tendency to ‘turn’ against people where she feels they haven’t supported her as she has wanted; disorganised, so others have had to pick up significant workloads to help meet deadlines, and not always been proactive (confident?). She also struggles with feedback and cries, often needing a couple of hours to recover.

I have managed Jane across a few projects and have always supported her. I have advocated for her, taken time to go through feedback, taken work off her plate, given her space to discuss challenges etc - I have given a lot of time to trying to build her confidence.

on a recent project, there was another manager between me and Jane and this manager raised several concerns about Jane’s performance. She fed these back to Jane, Jane cried, they worked together to address these points - this happened 3 times until the manager said to me she needed to replace Jane in order to meet deadlines. When she shared this with Jane, Jane took it badly, walked out of work and has now been off sick for 6 weeks.

In the meantime, she has shared with her line manager that she feels this situation is largely of my doing; that she was struggling and I hadn’t checked in on her enough, she doesn’t want to work with me again and has used the ‘toxic’ word.

I feel pretty hurt by all of this tbh. All her feedback previously has been of the ‘exemplary leader’ type and to have leapt so quickly to this feels like a real kick in the teeth. I obviously have to be professional when she returns, but I’m battling a strong personal desire to distance myself - be polite but remote. I worry this is petty and I need to be the bigger person / continue to support her - wondered if others have experienced anything similar and what they’ve done?

I have managed Jane across a few projects and have always supported her. I have advocated for her, taken time to go through feedback, taken work off her plate, given her space to discuss challenges etc - I have given a lot of time to trying to build her confidence.

why when she is very clearly not up to her job?

so she has logged a complaint against you?

so presumably a process is to be followed?

i am surprised that she so clearly wasn’t up ti the job and yet you didn’t put her on any kind of performance monitoring. Instead just wrapped her up in cotton wool for some reason

It’s a good question - I saw potential in her and we don’t have a great history of supporting women to succeed in this field; I didn’t want her lack of confidence to hold her back. I accept I may have done too much for her.

I did raise concerns with her line manager a couple of months ago, but was a lone voice at the time - now there are others, the plan was to put her on a PIP at her appraisal (due to be in February.)

No formal complaint has been raised.

so this other manager just mentioned it to you informally? somewhat in fact very unprofessional of them

she has shared with her line manager that she feels this situation is largely of my doing; that she was struggling and I hadn’t checked in on her enough, she doesn’t want to work with me again and has used the ‘toxic’ word.

this line manager has been thoroughly unprofessional to just mention this to you flippantly

In your position, I would ask for the matter to be treated as a formal grievance with a proper investigation. She should not be allowed to throw around words like "toxic" without you having an opportunity to properly respond to her allegations.

Unfortunately, you are discovering what most managers discover sooner or later. When there are performance issues with an individual, 9 times out of 10, they will look to blame a manager for their underperformance. Even when you have bent over backwards to help and support them up until that point.

The only solution is to not take it personally. Of course, when people raise issues, you should reflect on your own behaviour to consider whether the comments they are making are potentially valid, but if you have done your own soul-searching and concluded that there is nothing to warrant the claims, you just have to accept this as something that goes with the territory of management. When people feel threatened, they lash out, and because of your position in the structure, you may well be in the firing line.

I find that the best way of dealing with it is to rise above it.

@Medschoolmum thank you, I think I really needed to hear that. I’m not sure on the grievance point only because I think it was probably her reacting in the moment and she may have rowed back on that in her own mind. Do you think I should still request it or wait until she returns to work and see what her frame of mind is?

Reflecting on it, I think I’m also frustrated as the way she has behaved about this feels so immature; in an organisation that’s largely men, we don’t need any more examples that could cause eyebrows to be raised and the ‘emotional’ tag to be applied.

I agree with @Medschoolmum with the addition that I would probably be managing Jane out.

She may have potential, but if she doesn't have commitment, then the old equation stands.

Potential - commitment = nothing.

While it's hurtful, it DOWS come with the management territory, so don't take it personally.

If the line manager has come to you with this, I'd feed back that if Jane has concerns about you, she needs to raise them formally so they can be investigated.

What happened to the PIP? For future similar situations, please start PIP if informal performance concerns aren't resolved quickly.

*it does come with

I think that’s probably fair. Having said that, I think you’re also being to an extent hoist with your own petard in longterm supporting someone who simply isn’t up to the job, even with your help. In future, I think you should consider very carefully whether this is the right course of action with individuals, and not be left in the position of looking, in the eyes of senior management, of being the one who stuck the organisation with an incompetent employee and a potential grievance.

She isn’t up to the job and cries all the time. You’ve wrapped her in cotton wool, taken work off her plate, done things for her, haven’t just been Frank with her. She cries anytime her performance is questioned… and you haven’t put her onto a PiP? That’s bad management. And now that someone else has said enough is enough, off she goes on the sick and you’re still trying to figure out how to continue on as if this didn’t happen?

When she comes back, she needs to be put onto a performance improvement plan, you need to start documenting everything properly and getting everything lined up to manage her out. She can’t do the job…. In a way, you have created a toxic environment. She can’t handle the job or anyone else managing her because they expect her to actually get the work done, so she fails. Because you’ve been covering for her. Stop it.

Spot on. You've been enabling her @MaintainingBalance

Has she disclosed a disability or could the organisation reasonably have been expected to know of one?

The thing with people who cry is that you can easily be drawn into being “the one” who can help them grow, when actually the tears are about stopping people giving her the feedback she really needs to hear.

I’d echo other posters, start following your organisations performance management process. Set clear objectives and hold her to them, if she starts crying pass her a tissue and explain you’re going to give her a few minutes to gather herself and then leave the room. Come back and pick up the meeting, don’t sit and comfort or reassure her, explain you need to be able to talk about her work in a reasoned way.

She’s done a good job of getting people to back off and is now in a hard place. You can’t fix her or make her reach her potential if she just won’t do the work.

Jane needs to stop crying. My goodness, how old is she, even my 5 year old doesn’t cry when told they need to work on something.
I think you should have actually called her out on all the crying as a very unprofessional way to deal with feedback!
How did she cope under the pressures of a project? Doesn’t sound like she had as much potential as you credited her with.
Also, she seems ready to blame others for her shortfalls, hence you being thrown under the bus.
Tell her line manager she needs to raise a formal grievance as it’s not acceptable to throw your reputation in the mud like this. Also, does she have examples of you being toxic ?
I would then stay away from her unless you have to interact professionally? I would keep it very business orientated and swerve checking on her personally, given her comments

A couple of clarifications:

I have called her out on the crying and I haven’t stopped providing her with feedback; she has acted on this and has continually apologised for the crying, but explains it as she’s just an emotional person.

I have flagged performance concerns to her line manager but it hasn’t been my job to put her on a PIP (slightly complicated matrix management); she has previously received positive feedback from others which has probably hidden the problem. However, her performance has notably deteriorated in the last 3-4 months to the extent that others have noticed and meant that her line manager now agrees a PIP is necessary.

@Majorsmiler I do have to interact with her professionally, but can step away from the informal check-ins (which I do with all my wider team). I imagine that will also be held against me as an example of how I’m not a caring leader, but I do feel I need to protect myself.

how long have you been at the company

and you say you “flagged concerns” but they werent followed up?

I wouldn’t worry. You haven’t managed her very well but everyone knows she’s shit and just blaming you. Everybody else will be able to see what you can.

Hopefully she will up her game. Just be professional and continue on as normal. Next time, have more confidence and be a bit more proactive about putting someone on a performance improvement plan if they need it.