Am I being unreasonable?

[foreverhopeful2000]

Hi everyone,
I arranged to host a public talk at my workplace, which turned out to be really good and full of friendly, interesting people. However, my colleague's attitude really bugs me. They said to me that they were going to be there very loudly and enthusiastically in front of a client, and seemed really supportive. However, they never showed up and when I saw them two days later this week (we work in the same building/department) they didn't make any reference to what happened, or apologise for the no show to the talk which was weird. I appreciate they might be busy last minute or have an emergency, but do you think that was weird or rude? I feel really hurt and disappointed by them. Thoughts?

[Shiveringinthecountry]

Did it matter on the day? Was their absence something others would have noticed, or just you? It does seem odd that they didn't mention it when you next met, but there could be a good reason for that. (Maybe a family or other personal thing came up, and they didn't want to have to explain it.)

[MaloneMeadow]

Unless they were to be an integral part of the talk it’s not weird or rude, you’re overreacting. Maybe it slipped their mind, maybe something else came up. Who knows - in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter

[Autienotnaughtie]

They planned to come but something came up/ they changed their mind?

Was it invite only so you could have invited someone else?

By tge 'talk loudly' comment do you think they said it first the clients benefit but had no intention of coming. ? Does it matter?

[foreverhopeful2000]

Hi,
I realise things come up - and even people lie about coming to something they don't want to come to. But to make no reference to it is weird when it was a big event in our department that he publicised through his department. This morning, whilst I'll continue being polite and professional, I'll learn my lesson not to rely on anyone. I like the Maya Angelou quote 'when people show you who they are, believe them the first time'.

[SevenSeasOfRhye]

Your colleague is probably embarrassed about the no show and doesn't know how to bring it up. Obviously an apology would be a much better way to handle this but perhaps they don't have the maturity to see this.

[foreverhopeful2000]

I like him as a person, but there are times where I am astounded at his lack of courtesy. Best thing I can do is keep busy elsewhere even if we do share one working floor together.

[Aaron95]

@foreverhopeful2000

Hi,
I realise things come up - and even people lie about coming to something they don't want to come to. But to make no reference to it is weird when it was a big event in our department that he publicised through his department. This morning, whilst I'll continue being polite and professional, I'll learn my lesson not to rely on anyone. I like the Maya Angelou quote 'when people show you who they are, believe them the first time'.

In what way were you relying on them? Were they due to give a talk or set things up? Unless they had agreed to assist in some way I don't understand why you feel this makes them unreliable.

[BoredAuditor]

In the nicest way possible, you're massively overthinking this.

[OhItsOnlyCynthia]

He's just a colleague in another department, it didn't matter to you if he was there or not. I'd bet he completely forgot about it. We all do it, it's not a big deal.

[ZipZapZoom]

@BoredAuditor

In the nicest way possible, you're massively overthinking this.

Agreed! So he didn't come to the talk, it's honestly not even worth giving a second thought to. He wasn't integral to the talk and you don't need him there, he's not let you down or shown his true colours he just very likely had more important things to do.

[Foxblue]

I'm a bit confused here, why is this a big deal? Is there additional professional context here?

[rookiemere]

@BoredAuditor

In the nicest way possible, you're massively overthinking this.

This.
Clearly the talk was a big deal to you and I'm delighted it went well, but you can only ever expect to be a bit player in your colleagues lives and your response seems disproportionate.

[bctf123]

Not a big deal if it wasn't important in the grand scheme.
I used to miss meetings and events all the time , even to discuss half million pound quotes I'd prepared but it didn't matter since it wasn't really my job or integral to me
I was probably there for courtesy

[MonsteraMama]

Are you really close or something? I wouldn't give it a second thought if a colleague of mine didn't show up to something if they weren't an integral part of the thing, even if they said they would. Life and work happens. A friend I'd maybe be a bit put out, a family member too. But a colleague? Wouldn't even cross my mind.

And quoting Maya Angelou about it is very dramatic, if anyone's showing anyone who they are it's you! "Takes innocuous things incredibly personally and reads too much into colleague relationships" springs to mind.

[foreverhopeful2000]

Thanks for the judgement!! I'd just rather people didn't bs in front of me and show off to clients with no intention of going. I don't think that's a nice thing to do, and I think I have every right to feel pissed off about it. I'd rather someone was honest and say they couldn't make it. And it would be good manners to either wish you the best - or apologise afterwards.

[FleshLiabilities]

This colleague, do you 'like' him?

[MonsteraMama]

You're fully assuming that he's done this on purpose though to "look good in front of a client". He might've just forgotten. You're only the main character in your story OP, not his.

[ZipZapZoom]

@foreverhopeful2000

Thanks for the judgement!! I'd just rather people didn't bs in front of me and show off to clients with no intention of going. I don't think that's a nice thing to do, and I think I have every right to feel pissed off about it. I'd rather someone was honest and say they couldn't make it. And it would be good manners to either wish you the best - or apologise afterwards.

Edited

Why would you think he was bullshitting in front of clients rather than he forgot or something else came up. Honestly you are being incredibly weird about this. Why does he need to apologise for not being there, it's not like his presence was important.

[Changingplace]

@foreverhopeful2000

Thanks for the judgement!! I'd just rather people didn't bs in front of me and show off to clients with no intention of going. I don't think that's a nice thing to do, and I think I have every right to feel pissed off about it. I'd rather someone was honest and say they couldn't make it. And it would be good manners to either wish you the best - or apologise afterwards.

Edited

You don’t know he had no intention of coming though, if it was in work time then there could be all kinds of reasons why he didn’t show up.

You’ve not explained why it was so important to you that this one person came, was he supposed to be helping or something? Did him coming mean someone else couldn’t take a place?

I think you’re massively overthinking this.

[Changingplace]

@foreverhopeful2000

Hi,
I realise things come up - and even people lie about coming to something they don't want to come to. But to make no reference to it is weird when it was a big event in our department that he publicised through his department. This morning, whilst I'll continue being polite and professional, I'll learn my lesson not to rely on anyone. I like the Maya Angelou quote 'when people show you who they are, believe them the first time'.

Why were you relying on him in this situation? The quote is melodramatic in this scenario.

[Mamette]

He probably doesn’t think he owes you an explanation or an apology. Things come up, plans change, who knows.

[BoredAuditor]

OP, you're being very defensive.

Have you considered that the colleague was doing you a favour by "bigging you up" to the client by making reference to your talk and saying he'd go. He gave you kudos.

I would assume you're very junior in your organisation by your disproportionate reaction. You seriously need to have a word with yourself.

I think you need to ask yourself why his presence means so much to you.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

The talk went well, you did a good job regardless of whether he was there or not. Recognise your achievements and don’t worry about the one person who didn’t turn up.