Have been asked to have a word with VERY talkative colleague about her excessive chatting - any advice?

[withallthetrimmings]

The person with whom I work most closely (she essentially does the same job as me, but is more junior) talks for Britain. Really talks for Britain. One day recently, I lost a two-hour window completely to her talking almost non-stop, and then felt depleted for the rest of the day and unable to knuckle down. And last week, I logged her interruptions just to capture the extent of the problem: 18 in a two-hour period.

Our jobs centre on research and proposal writing – they're not customer-facing – so it's all heads-down kind of work, and her endless chatter is therefore a nightmare; getting into any kind of flow with all her interruptions is really difficult.

Our manager is aware of the problem and has tried twice to talk gently, in a read-between-the-lines kind of way, to my colleague about the need for her to get her head down, focus, etc. The message has been completely lost on her.

Our manager has now asked if I will say something more direct to her myself, since the problem affects me most, and I've said I will.

I'd just be grateful for some advice on how to do this in a reasonable, effective way, since I'm not her (or anyone's) manager. She's young and fairly inexperienced and I think likes to think out loud/sound me out on everything - everything - for reassurance, more than she needs to. She's also quite sensitive and prone to tears so I know she's going to cry, however nice I am. And I do want to be nice, whilst being honest and firm, because I have to work so closely with her and don't want to make an enemy. And she is a fundamentally nice, sweet person; there's no malice there – just endless wittering!

But my goodness, I need to be able to get more work done! I need most of my energy to be going on the job I'm actually paid to do, not on listening/responding to her.

Many thanks for any tips. (And please don't suggest headphones – they're banned! [weep])

[poorbuthappy]

To be honest your manager has to stop with the read between the lines approach and deal with it straight on.
They are paid to do that.
You are not.

[iK8]

Yes your manager needs to spell it out really because that's her job and why she's paid more. Lazy sod.

But as you have agreed... blame pregnancy. "X I've got terrible baby brain and I'm really struggling to concentrate. I've found if I can get a couple of hours just doing one thing I can manage a bit better. Would you mind helping me create a quieter environment? If you see someone coming over and they look like they might interrupt me could you possibly head them off? I'm really worried about this and it would help me hugely. I'm going to take a break at 11.30am, 2pm and 3.30pm when I will be around to discuss any work so at any other time could you cover for me?". It's a cop out but equally it's not your place to reprimand or coach her - that's your weak boss'.

Or work from home. No commute and no irritating colleagues!

[withallthetrimmings]

Abbie, your post made me laugh. I don't do those things (honest!), but I have found that I feel guilty now if I have even just a bit of banter with colleagues. We all need to chat a bit to connect as a team, but it just seems that everyone else knows when to stop and get their heads down.

I thought this was an extrovert/introvert thing initially, recognising what you say Beast, and that everyone processes and thinks and energises differently. But actually, the rest of the team (most of whom are much more outgoing than me) find my colleague exhausting too! I think it's more of an immaturity and self- and social awareness thing. Even louder and/or externally-processing people generally pick up on the cues of others who are wanting to work quietly (if I have my head down and avoid eye contact, she will still talk to me; she will talk to me as I walk to my desk in the morning, before I've even sat down - and so on). But I get what you mean. It's just that if we were to sit separately, she would just drive everyone else nuts (colleagues have told me this happens when I'm not in the office). Sometimes she stays late or comes in early to "get on top of work" - and just talks to whomever else is in, trying (unsuccessfully) to do the same!

FuckYou, some really useful suggestions - thanks. I am concerned that in having to broach it myself, and kind of own it as my issue (i.e. not say everyone else has a problem with it too, nor that my manager's told me to say something), that my colleague will go off me and bitch about me to the rest of the team. It is a bit of a risk, relationship-wise. But the rest of the team would be bound to empathise with where I was coming from and hopefully back me up?!

I like the idea of having set interruption times - good plan.

All great advice - thanks so much. I didn't think something as banal as this would get much response!

[withallthetrimmings]

Working from home isn't allowed much - the director doesn't like it. And I absolutely agree my boss should be facing the music with this, but since she's been so supportive to me during my initially difficult pregnancy (and because a colleague on maternity leave, under a different manager, has been offered zero flexibility in coming back so she is leaving), I don't want to stick my neck out and say you're paid more love, you do the dirty work! (Although ordinarily, I'd be feistier.) I need my job, so just need to suck this up at the moment and be super-cooperative. Groan.

Also, I don't want to blame the problem on my pregnancy and associated (fictional!) inability to concentrate. I think my colleague would kind of lap that up, like it's my problem, when really, she needs to know it's absolutely hers. But I do get where you're coming from with the suggestion.

Thanks again.

[Heels99]

Its for your manager to manage not you. By all means tell her to runs interrupting you if you want to, but foot do your managers job for them in this respect.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I really wouldn't risk owning the problem. If you want to sugar coat it a bit you could say, "I spoke to manager yesterday and she's very concerned about the amount of chat going on at the moment. She's picked up on a drop in productivity and thinks there's a connection. She asked me to have a word about keeping non-work related chats to break times, and actually I know it would increase my productivity, if even work-related stuff was discussed only a few times a day. I struggle with multitasking and I need this job.

I had a colleague who would keep asking questions (the same ones over and over) post-training. It really was a case of checking with me instead of her notes, because it was quicker. So I had to say, "can't help you at the moment, need to get this finished. I'll give you a shout when I'm done, have a check through your notes, the answer should be in there". Usually when I had finished (and it wasn't an excuse! I was busy!) she had worked it out for herself.

I still helped, but I was less available. She asked less and less.

Sometimes finding things out for yourself is the best way to learn.

[CrotchMaven]

I have one of those. With mine it's a confidence/back-passing issue. I've had to be direct about it and say to her that I'm not paid to have all her work run past me for agreement, but that I'm happy to go through a list of points if she wants to bring them to me in one go.

So far, so good.

[CrotchMaven]

buck - passing, if that wasn't clear!

[OnlyLovers]

I think you should NOT do this, OP. You're not her manager. It's poor management on your manager's part; it could easily backfire and cause friction, and that's no good to you, the colleague or anyone in the team.

I'd say calmly and clearly to your manager that it's not part of your job to deal with issues like this.

Is there anyone else you could talk to? Your manager's boss, or HR?

Oh, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES blame your pregnancy! That's terrible advice.

[SunflowerSmile]

Great book named "Fierce Conversations" outlines a 60 second conversation opener on how to start a tricky conversation like this. Have used it many times and highly recommend it. Rest of the book gives good strategies too.

[SunflowerSmile]

I would also add that the "opening statement" referred to in the book would help if you are talking to your colleague or wanting to bring it to your managers attention.

[Beastofburden]

Absolutely DONT blame your pregnancy. Actually, she needs to know this as part of her professional development.

[aNoteToFollowSo]

Sorry, have only skimmed the thread so please forgive me if I am not picking up on issues discussed earlier. But to start I think you must make your peace with the fact that she will cry. She will. It's not the worst thing to happen. It's hard to get critical feedback about one's self. We can all sympathize. And might well be a bit weepy ourselves.

But you must stand your ground despite her distress because this is a professional issue. You are not doing this to be nasty or spiteful. There is an issue that is interfering with her, and your, ability to work and so you must discuss it clearly and calmly.

For this reason, I think it's important that you tell her that your manager has delegated this job to you. Not so she feels worse, but so she understands that this issue might interfere with her career prospects. Conversely, if she takes this well, her chances of promotion are much higher.

It always helps to focus on the behavior rather than the person i.e. 'the talking is disruptive' rather than 'you are a talkative pain in the arse..'

Personally I would finish by saying that she if wants to discuss this further then your mutual manager would be the person to take it up with. After all, what else can you say? You are not her manager.

Good luck. You sound like a lovely colleague, and so does she when she stops yakking :)

[PiratePanda]

You could try suggesting the pomodoro technique of improving productivity in intense research and writing sessions. Google it, or have a look at The a Thesis Whisperer site. You both commit to 25 minutes of completely silent working, and then allow 5 minutes of chat, break whatever; then repeat. Use an egg timer, or one of the many apps for this.

That way it's about improving BOTH of your productivity, not just yours.

[EBearhug]

I like FuckYouChris's advice, particularly the first paragraph.

We have someone who talks herself through what she's doing. It doesn't bother me so much; when I'm really concentrating, I can block most things out - but the colleague who sits between us gets really wound up by it. The trouble is that she's not really aware of it. (Actually, I don't mind, as it's the only way to hear about some of the stuff being planned in the department...)

It's quite likely your person isn't fully aware of the extent of what she's doing, so is it possible to come to some sort of agreement where you can signal to her that she needs to take a break from talking?

I think also the idea of set times is good. More than once, when asked if I've "got a minute", I've said, "not now, but I've got a spare half hour this afternoon or I could fit you in tomorrow?" Since I've started doing it, I've also found people actually have more respect for my time, simply because I'm not available for interruptions at any point they like. That's not to say I'm not happy to stop and chat, because that sort of interaction does help smooth the social wheels of the office, especially between different departments - but I'm not always happy to stop and chat right now.

[kernowgal]

Does your workplace offer time management training? Mine does and one of the revelations was that it's impossible to manage your time if you are constantly being interrupted about mundane things. I realised I was guilty of doing this to my manager and it made me stop and think about whether I really needed to speak to her there and then, or whether I could save up a few questions and ask her another time (eg at a one-to-one).

It also taught us about prioritising tasks and managing workload, and I found it very useful. My new boss is hopeless at prioritising and I find it difficult to do my own work when I am always being asked to help with other things, or pick up jobs that she has forgotten to do, and it's driving me mad.

And I'm another saying that you should not be dealing with this, your manager should.

[StickyProblem]

I really agree with aNotetoFollowSo - tell her your manager has asked you to bring it up, and if she cries hand her some tissues and be firm but fair. She'll get nowhere if nobody can ever give her feedback in case she cries. Also like FuckYouChris's idea of the more impersonal approach.

I have to write a lot for work and I would go seriously insane without headphones, home working, youtube, the works. To be made to come into an office and not use headphones ...

[Snapespotions]

This is very poor form on the part of your manager. Nobody likes having difficult conversations, but as a manager, that's partly what you're paid for! If you have been complaining to your manager about your colleague, then I suppose it's fair enough to suggest that you approach the colleague directly. Otherwise, the manager is just getting you to do her dirty work.

If you do decide to broach it, I agree that the shit sandwich approach is the best way. Be friendly but direct. It doesn't have to be phrased as a criticism - just let her know that you have a different working style and can't concentrate when she talks!!

[joanofarchitrave]

Yes your manager should be doing it, but I see why you are sucking it up. On the positive side, this is a great thing to write up as something you can use next time you interview for your manager's a management role.

I've lost track of who said what slightly, but when I read FuckYouChris's approach I thought it was great - it didn't suggest mentioning your pregnancy, did it?

Remember as soon as your colleague manages a substantial period without interrupting you, to give her a bit of positive feedback, you don't have to give her a lolly to suck but a bit of 'it feels really good to be so productive together this morning' or whatever. Maybe do a bit of informal positive mentoring as well on one of your 'chat allowed' coffees or lunches, on where she feels she needs to develop, where she sees her career going etc. Because if you're having to do the shitwork of managing, you might as well get some of the fun stuff too.

[WiseGuysHighRise]

Some good tips on here, but I would do what my old manager used to do to me and just say "sorry Chatty, I really need to get on with this" pretty much every time.

I'm pretty chatty, my ex-boss wasn't. There were two of us in the room, all day every day. I used to chat and work (I start daydreaming in silence). My chat drove her to distraction.

I didn't take offence when she told me to shut up that she needed a bit of quiet. I know I'm very chatty and I'd imagine your colleague does too. Just say it, nicely, calmly and maybe get a round of coffee and cake in through the day as a "peace offering" if you think she may have taken offence. I bet she won't though!

[prettywhiteguitar]

I thnk the suggestion of trying out the pomodoro technique by piratepanda is an idea.

You really don't want an atmosphere by making it personal

[prettywhiteguitar]

When you're pregnant you're super sensitive, so I think suggesting the technique which had been suggested by your manager ? (Lie ) might take personal feelings out of it and get you off the hook.

I feel for you , she would drive me nuts

[starfishmummy]

I know that you have said that she hasn't listened to her line manager but this really isn't part of your remit. I would be stepping away.
Your manager needs to deal with this, and needs to learn to.do so effectively. If not her then it should be done by the HR team.