Can I make this commute work?

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

I've got the possibility of doing my dream job. It's just a contract for 6 months but it'd open doors and I'd love to do it.

However I'm just not sure it's possible, can anyone help me work this out?

(It's long, sorry!)

DP works away a lot, so it's basically me on my own with the kids most of the time.

The dream job would be 21 hours a week, and I could chose my hours. But it's over an hour commute from my house (not including dropping DD & DS off at childcare). DD would be 15 months, DS is at school, but this would start in June, so it would cover the summer holidays too.

The journey is 1hour 20 in all, each way. But then I have to factor in dropping off at the CMs. I haven't found a CM yet, but let's be optimistic and say that would only take an extra 20 minutes. Then the whole journey would be 1 hour 40. Twice a day.

I don't mind doing the commute myself, what I mind is such a long day for the kids.

If I did 9:30-5:30, 3 days, I'd be away from the DCs from roughly 7:50am to 7:00pm. It's too much, isn't it?

An alternative would be to do 4 days, fewer hours per day. But then that's more time away overall as it's adding over 3 extra hours commute a week.

Or maybe I could get a CM near work, we could travel together (I did this when DS was little, it worked well for us). However that'd mean DS and DD being at different CMs when he's at school, that seems a bit silly - doesn't it?

Or, the back up is a not so great job in my town. 9-5, I'll be 20 minutes away from the kids, if that. But the career prospects in my industry not so great in this town.

Is there some solution I haven't thought of?!

WWYD?

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

OK, I think I'm getting nearer to a solution.

DP says he can shift his week so he works Saturdays and has a day off in the week. He's really missing being with the family anyway, so is looking forward to having a day with DD, and doing the school run with DS.

I've reconsidered, and I think doing it over 3 days is untenable: 11 hours + away from the DCs on a regular basis is just too long when I have a choice about it I feel. I did think it was a but silly to add another 3 hours commute, so time away from DD especially as she's so young, but I think I have the answer.

If I work over 4 days, and DP has the DCs one day, then it's 3 days a week we're looking at. If I'm spreading the hours over 4 days at work, I think (need to confirm this) I could do DS's school run myself if we're able to use the breakfast club and after school club at his school. DD can go to a CM near my work, so we'll do the commute together. (This is not as bonkers as it sounds! It's a lovely train ride, beautiful views and not mega-packed. I used to do it with DS when I was at uni, which is in the same city.)

Also as the city my work is in is bigger than our town, and more of a progressive place in general, there are so many more CMs there, just looking on childcare.co.uk for a minute I saw 3 that looked absolutely amazing, (on "paper" at least).

I'm feeling so much more positive about this, thanks everyone who has posted, this thread really has helped :)

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Mandy, it's a cunning thought, I love the lateral thinking, however I'd need a CM to be OFSTED registered so I can claim a hefty discount.

happysarahthecook thanks for the info on au pair, very useful.

[happysarahthecook]

Hallo there,

Just adding to this regarding your question about au-pairs. We had 2 different au-pairs when my daughter was 3/4. There are quite strict rules about au-pairs and I assume they have not changed much. For instance, you have to give them time to go to English classes. Also, the au-pair can only be left alone for a certain number of hours in the day - it might be 6 but you would need to check that. For us it worked, as my husband works from home, and I was working locally. If you were going to use an au-pair exclusively, then it might not work, but it could work if you also use a playgroup or similar as well.

Hope you manage to make your decision. Cannot comment about the commute, as I hate driving and would not contemplate it!

Good luck!

[Mandy21]

Just one idea – we have a student (used to work at DDs nursery) who is available to collect the children from school a couple of times a week, brings them home and gives them tea. I also have a long commute, but I can be home in 1hr 30mins if I go straight home, meaning I'm home for about 5.30pm. They are usually fed and in their PJs which means a relatively stress free bed-time routine. If you're at a uni anyway, is there anyone doing a teacher training degree / childcare degree that doesn't have lectures in the afternoons for 2 or 3 days a week that would be willing to help you out in return for getting hands on experience (plus being paid etc).

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Off topic, but I'm mad about it! Not one, but three different SFE people, on three different occasions told us my partner was not eligible to claim "parental learning allowance" (as I had claimed already). This was totally untrue, you can claim per student parent not per couple, we found out by accident.

Then, there was a mix up with our claim, and they told us we would have the money, definitely, in our bank accounts, by a specified date on four or five occasions, only for the date to come and go and the next person we spoke to to give another (incorrect) date.

Kicking myself for not double checking at the time, the guy sounded like he knew what he was talking about too.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

I am so fed up with bloody Student Finance, you can't trust a word they say! Last time I spoke to them I asked if I would be eligible for the Childcare Grant (for childcare fees). The guy I spoke to said yes I would be.

But the internet (e.g. advice sheets from universities) seem to say no, that's not so, no childcare grant for paid placements except under special circumstances (I mean none of them).

If I can't get a subsidy towards childcare there's just no way I can afford to do it.

So it comes down to ... if we're still eligible for Tax Credits, we can get childcare funded that way. If Universal Credit comes in this year, that's the end of this particular dream.

Phonecall to the UC helpline in the morning then ...

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

This is ridiculous. I'm trying to find out how much money we will have to live on. But because of the shambles which is universal credit, I have no idea!

Looking at the Turn2Us benefits calculator, there is a massive difference between the amount of money we'd get under the current system and under UC. But I'm not sure which one we'd get, as UC was meant to come in this April for new claims I think (mine would be a new claim for WTC I expect, unless it's seen as part of DP's) but it's been delayed now.

I saw a local UC helpline advertised somewhere, I think it was a council thing, hopefully they can help explain. I think we'de be under the old system (just!) but there's such a difference I don't want to assume we're getting the larger amount just to have it evaporate.

Lots of people on low incomes must be finding life is getting really tough under this government

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

You could get an au pair. Cheaper than a nanny, and generally more flexible. We had several, and made good friends with them all - still in contact now that DDs are teenagers.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

squeaver interesting, thanks. I'll look into that. We wouldn't be able to use the childcare grant, but I'm interested in seeing if it could work for us anyway.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

firstimer30s what a lovely post, thanks! I didn't expect to inspire anyone, I just started off feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all!

And you've inspired me in return. I think I should focus on all the nice things the DCs and I can do when I am there. As you say, that's (hopefully) what they'll remember.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

oscarwilde the uni does have a great nursery, DS went there. I just rang them today to put DD's name down, inspired by this thread. They only take children from 2yo though.

I'm not sure exactly what hours I'll be doing (and they won't confirm them till you're actually back at uni, which makes childcare especially hard to organise. The timetabling is geared towards young adults with no responsibilities really. More difficult for carers and parents).
My uni is also in the city down the road.

I'll probably have to be in uni for 3 or 4 days a week, not sure how many hours though. If you're unlucky with the timetabling you might get a 4 hour gap between lectures. One semester I got all lectures starting after 10 (so train cheap) and bunched close together so over just 3 days. I guess it's likely to be 3 days in the final year actually, or even less, as less contact time and more self directed study.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Moving?! Ha!

In theory I like your thinking, as we thought much the same when I got pregnant with DS. We moved to make things possible (work, uni, getting an income from our flat in London to help us while at uni etc etc).

We have in fact moved 6 times since DS was born 5 years ago! This last move was 3 weeks before DD was born, we sold the London flat, gave up the rental flat and bought our first proper family home, near a lovely school, just in time for DS to get into a lovely primary school.

That was meant to be the last move for a while. Correction, this IS tha last move for a while, we're putting down roots! The city with the cool jobs down the road is really expensive, loads of young families moving this way and people commuting over. If we find ourself in a position to be able to afford a much nicer & larger home we might consider it. But we've reached the limit of moving for jobs etc I think!

I might say musmet suggested moving to DP, just to see his reaction though (is that mean?!)

[oscarwilde]

After the placement, I'll go back to uni for a year. So I'll be finishing uni when the DCs are 2.2 and 6.6

What sort of hours will you have to be at uni for after the placement? It might be much easier to get a placement with a CM / Nursery if you are talking about a longer term committment.

Also - have you checked if there is an onsite nursery for the uni? If there is, then an au-pair might be the way to go. An extra pair of hands in the morning, someone taking DS to school and collecting him, and DD in a structured childcare environment.

[JessMcL]

Cost of a nanny really depends where you live- you will be their employer remember so on top of their net hourly wage you will have to pay NI and tax contributions for them. Then there are travel expenses, expenses for days out etc- and it always comes when you least expect it and are a little bit overdrawn at the bank.

Nanny share- keep in mind the nannies are usually paid more for doing a share and if you share with a parent with just one child then you will be burdened with 2/3 of the cost- not just half (at least that's how we did it when I had a nannyshare for DD1 and DS years ago) which might make the cost unrealistic. Can be difficult to find a family that "fits" with your needs as well- i.e. they might be happy for nanny to do one thing but you aren't and vice versa. I'd avoid that route if i'm honest.

Aupair could potentially be an option though- you say your eldest is at school. Could you put your youngest in nursery for half days? Asking an aupair to work 12 hours a day, 3 days a week goes way beyond the mark they are allowed to work (25 hours) but 5-6 hours a day is reasonable. But you obviously have to find room in your home etc etc and i've had some young girls as au pairs who haven't respected our rules and sometimes hiring an au pair can be a bit of a lottery.

[squeaver]

I'm not an au pair specialist but I do know people who have what I think is known as an "Au Pair Plus". Usually older girls (women) who have childcare experience and work longer hours. As they are still live-in, they cost significantly less than the £10 - £15/hour oscarwilde mentions. BUT< I doubt they've be OFSTED registered so that would recue your grant opportunity. If you have an au pair agency local to you, you could have a chat about it with them.

Also, you can find a nanny share through a nanny agency.

[longjane]

Have you thought of moving ?

[firstimer30s]

Very inspired by you. Do it! My mum did something similar when we were young and now has an amazing career. Frankly, I don't have memories of her "not being there", just memories of being with friends and the days out/ things we did do with my parents on weekends
Good luck!

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

oscarwilde that's all really useful info, thanks :)

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

I totally agree, all day would be too much to ask an Au Pair to do. I was thinking more of SilasGreenback's suggestion of Au Pair combined with CM / after school club. So the Au Pair could do the pickups, and the DCs would be on their way to bed, instead of me picking them up at 7 and rushing them to bed. That might work ...

[oscarwilde]

An au pair can be sole charge, but for a limited number of hours usually. 3 long days might be tricky, and once the school hols kick off then it's a big ask for sub £100 a week. There are certainly people who have an au pair that have more flexible arrangements with foreign nationals who have childcare experience and are not straight out of school.

If MIL is 500 miles away then asking her to move in 3 days a week isn't really possible either.

Nanny costs depend on which part of the country you are in. £10-15 per hour including tax and NI is about the going rate for live out. I reckon it would cost you approx £9000 (at £10 per hr) for the 6 months if you did 3 long days. So your salary should cover it. You need to advertise for an Ofsted reg nanny only so you can take advantage of any grant available. As your employer is flexible you can also be flexible on which days which is great.

I would do the 3 days as it cuts down on your transport costs and other soft stuff like coffees/lunches/extra new clothes. Mostly though as £10perhr gross (to you) will not pay for a very experienced nanny, you may wish to limit the number of days with them.

Definitely take Pobble's point about childcare and your DH. This is a JOINT issue, not just yours to figure out.

[JeanSeberg]

Great post delurking.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Good sermon delurking85! I'll keep it in mind when talking to DP :)

It's been pretty equal so far, with both of us doing stints as SAHP while the other worked full time in the past.

But with DP starting this job, it's all consuming, and also it's not temporary, you're right we do need to factor in how he does childcare, or he just won't, basically.

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

"are you using childminder for both? cant CM do school holidays?"

We'll get a childcare grant as I'm a student. It pays 80% of childcare fees at an OFSTED provider, which is great, but it's only up to a cap. I forget what the cap is, but it's nothing like full time I don't think.

So, another thing I need to find out - what the weekly cap is.

[delurking85]

pobble, remember to start that conversation with DP now. It's so easy to get sucked into one partner's upwardly mobile career path, especially as the knock on effect is that yours gets harder and harder to make happen as theirs gets easier (because they're already higher up/haven't had to call in favours to make it work...) so it becomes ever easier to keep compromising the stalled career and supporting the flying one.

If he never gets used to making childcare part of his planning it will get harder and harder to broach. both of you need to be checking in about where the compromises in the family are being made, and if it's always on one side or the other.

thus endeth the sermon :)

[thepobblewhohasnotoes]

Oops I missed the quotes of that sentence! ^^