The Gift of Fear vs The Shark Cage

[Themyscira]

I saw this post on Reddit and it really resonated with me.

www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f09xtp/its_not_the_gift_of_fear_its_a_shark_cage/

So often I've ignored a bad feeling, or not recognised red flags until far after the fact. I think my upbringing has a lot to do with my lack of a strong shark cage, though I'm working on building it up.

I know The Gift of Fear has been widely praised on mumsnet, and I've read it myself, but the idea that it's a bit victim-blaming caught my attention and I had to admit there is some merit in that point of view. For me, for a long time anyway, controlling, abusive behaviour was normal and felt safe, even. I didn't recognise the sharks.

I'd be interested in reading other people's thoughts.

Sorry to hear that Tottie. Your daughter wouldn't go far wrong with reading all the red flags Gavin de Becker spells out near the beginning of his book (loan sharking, forced teaming, discounting the word 'no', charm etc etc). Once you read them you see much better other people's manipulative behaviour. It's like an SAS toolkit for shit relationships.

While it is very personal-not-professional in style, I also think this is an excellent page.

sociopathlife.com/liarliar/red-flags/

Gavin de Becker wrote another book called Protecting the Gift, specifically for parents about keeping children and teenagers safe and giving them the tools to protect themselves.

I haven't read it though would expect it to be good. I'm now rather curious about what it says, particularly about respecting children's boundaries.

I think De Becker's work is excellent and as a DV survivor, I never found it victim blaming, I found it empowering.

It is all about building your cage is how I read it. I needed to do that, and it does start with trusting your instincts, listening to your gut feelings and not talking yourself out of dangerous situations.

If you are really good at listening to your primal instincts, you don't get caught up, you catch it early with minimal harm.

As I write that, I guess that is why there is the accusation of victim blaming (Why didn't she do anything? etc) but this is life, life is dangerous - as per the shark analogy - and so all De Becker is saying is that it is unjust and dangerous for women not to be tuned in at this basic level and they may need help to never be as naive as I was (is that victim blaming - arggghhhh!)

www.goodreads.com/book/show/92443.Protecting_the_Gift

I just went to find out a bit more about that book and the second review has my eyes practically rolling out of my head. "Meg" is an idiot (see her bit about women and men.) Book does sound useful though!

(reading more) oh my god, so many idiots. I don't even necessarily disagree with the advice that a lost child should try to avoid asking (people who present as) men for help says one person in 2020.

Hi there,
There is a Shark Cage Program that can be used in individual therapy sessions or as an 8 week group program. The Shark Cage program manual is for helping professionals and details activities following the five steps in the Shark Cage framework that help women renovate their Shark Cage of human rights/boundaries and also learn how to help build strong Shark Cages for their children. The Shark Cage website will be launched latter this month and have a search function for women to find helping professionals trained by me in the Shark Cage framework or Shark Cage groups in their area. There will also be a self help book ‘How to spot a Shark’ published next year ( date to be announced on website). Until thesharkcage website is launched latter this month the best place to find information is on my general website [email protected].

Thanks, OP. I hadn't heard of the shark cage concept, I really like it. Looking forward to the book.

I'll try to find Protecting the Gift.

I did a quick search for “How to spot a shark” and can’t find it yet. I hope it will be on sale in UK bookshops.

I’m on notify for the latest edition of the Gift of Fear when it comes out, in February, I think.

Thank you everyone for the information!

How to Spot a Shark will be published and available mid 2021 - all going well. I’ll let people know when The Shark Cage website is launched ( should be next 2-3 weeks),
Ursula (creator of The Shark Cage Framework).

My 9 year old daughter asked me last week what the word "rape" means. I had never told her because I was trying to protect her. Now she knows the definition but hopefully won't ever know what it means the way I do. I was abducted and locked in a cabin and raped for 12 hours when I was 14 years old. I didn't know to be afraid of that man. He was driving me home. A friend of my father had arranged for him to take me. He wasn't something that scared me until he locked the door and punched me in the face.

Hi Ursula, nice to see you on here. I came across the shark cage when it was a blog post and its been really transformative in how I think about myself and my past. I also gave a link to a psychologist I was seeing at the time and next time I saw her, she said she had passed it on and discussed it with several clients.
Its a brilliant piece of work, so thank you

So glad you found it helpful. I’ve created a group program for young women in schools now. We use an animation of the metaphor. You should have a look on thesharkcage Facebook page ( one of the first posts). I co-wrote the program with my sister who is a teacher because women kept saying th Ed y wish they had the knowledge earlier. There are quite a few adult Shark Cage group programs running around the world now and the young women’s program is starting to be picked up by different schools and services. Thanks so much for the feedback. It helps me to keep creating programs, books and resources :)