When does complimenting become harassment?

[ChloeFrazer03]

As someone who has been harassed before on multiple occasions, I was curious on where you draw the line between someone complimenting you and when it becomes verbal harassment.

For example, "You're beautiful" I would be flattered. "You have nice tits" Depends on the context for me, if it's a random guy on the street randomly saying it then yeah, I'd slap him. What about you? Where do you draw the line?

[nic0teen]

I think every situation is different when it comes to compliments and there is no clear set of rules.
If its a friend it makes you feel good
If it is a man you like, it feels good too
If its some creep in the park, it doesn't feel so good even thou the comment maybe exactly the same
Its a mine field out there so just says thanks or OK depending how you want to take it
Guys dont be creepy, if the feels the right time to give the compliment go for it, you have more to gain than loose.

[MrNoseybonk]

I'm afraid so, Lass, but it's the safest option.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

What a miserable world you inhabit Callin and *MrNosey.

[OzzieFem]

cailindana. How does one dress up to invite/incite comments OzzieFem?

We all know that men are more likely to make comments if a women walks down a street in a short skirt and mini top, then wearing a long coat, scarf and boots which is what the woman was wearing.

It does not make it right for men to make these comments depending on the clothes a woman wears. My statement merely meant the research team did not attempt to skew the results by making the woman appear more sexually attractive to men, but just to show that any woman was fair game.

If you wish to take my previous post to read that I consider that women who dress a certain way, deserve the comments they encounter, then that is your perogative, but you are wrong!

[cailindana]

I think that's a good policy Noseybonk although I do think partners and close friends do like to be told they look nice now and again. However, if you don't feel you can do that without upsetting them then it's best not to do it at all.

[MrNoseybonk]

*A compliment becomes harassment when it feels like harassment to the receiver."

For this reason, I never compliment anybody.

[cailindana]

How does one dress up to invite/incite comments OzzieFem?

[OzzieFem]

As a young women (oh, so long ago) I never minded the wolf whistle but got annoyed at being told i had "a nice pair".

I watched a video of a woman in USA walking down around the city while secretly being videotaped ( it was a research project) and the number of men who made comments to her and about her, was disturbing to say the least. One of them even followed her continually making comments which went unanswered then he walked directly behind her for quite a while.

It wasn't as if she was even dressed up to invite/incite comments for the project. Just normal street clothes.

[cailindana]

Complimenting in general serves as a way of reminding women that no matter what they're doing - leading a company, looking after children, driving a bus, operating on a patient - really what they're there for is decoration and so they should be happy to be noticed for their real purpose (and conversely upset if no one notices how nice they look while doing other things).

It's a very powerful source of social conditioning for women that starts as soon as they're born - notice how much more little girls get comments about how they look.

[cailindana]

If someone (anyone) says 'You look sexy,' or 'You've lost weight,' as a compliment, what I hear is 'well done, I've judged you and you pass my test of attractiveness and I felt that would be so important to you that I had to come and tell you.'

In a friend that might be acceptable - I may value their opinion and it may be important for me to hear that they think I look good.

In a stranger it is majorly rude and presumptuous behaviour.

Commenting specifically on clothes (without the implications about the person's attractiveness due to the clothes) is entirely different - you are commenting on their possessions, not on them. I still don't particularly like strangers doing it but it's not nearly so rude IMO.

[ChristineDePisan]

That does make sense, Annie, good point.

And yes, I agree that hats are usually safe for compliments

[Anniegetyourgun]

With the blouse example, though (which was a good one IMO), the appreciation was clearly transferred in the lecherous version to your body in that blouse without the actual words needing to be spoken. In the innocuous version it was clearly praise of the blouse itself, ie the woman's dress sense. I complimented someone on her hat the other day. You're usually safe enough with hats (and it was a particularly stylish one).

My current job involves a fair bit of physical activity, and although I do get a lot of comments from male as well as female colleagues about the amount of weight I've lost, it's acceptable to me in context as the subtext is look how good this work is for you or even look how hard you've been working, rather than being about desirability or otherwise, if that makes sense.

[ChristineDePisan]

I don't agree that making a comment about what someone is wearing is OK compared to comments about anatomy.

See my examples in my first post: a lecherous boss commenting on a worker's blouse can be pretty harassing, in a particular context and with a particular delivery. Likewise, I think it's perfectly possible to have an excahnge about someone's physical appearance without it being intended or perceived as harassment - but it's pretty high risk to try this with a stranger, and pretty foolish to try it with a co-worker unless you are truly certain that the compliment will be received only in the vein that it was intended.

Chloe - you say in your OP that you have been harassed a number of times. Where did you draw the line on those occasions? What was it about those instances that made you feel harassed rather than flattered?

[uglyswan]

"I do not claim harassment, because in reality, it isn't" - but some people on this thread have given you very good reasons why it is,ChloeFrazer03. Are you going to engage with them at all, or this is just another good old bait-and-switch "silly feminists making a fuss about nothing" maneouvre?

[ClaudiaApfelstrudel]

I think it depends on whether they want something in return for the 'compliment' it's often easy to tell but sometimes it isn't..I suppose in my head I quite like compliments afterwards but sometimes I feel very threatened by them..again it think it depends on whether it feels like they want something in return

[DrSeussRevived]

Oh, I've just seen your posts otherwhere, Chloe.

Hmm.

[DrSeussRevived]

"claim harassment"

Claim to who?

Is it wanted or unwanted attention, as far as you are concerned?

[ChloeFrazer03]

Yeah I don't jump at people who compliment me, but I do not claim harassment, because in reality, it isn't, it's someone saying something to you on the street, a simple "Thanks" Is sufficient, then walk off and move on your life

[ABetaDad1]

"Random bloke in the street, nope. Don't give a shit what he's got to say, he can keep it to themselves."

Precisely. It takes incredible arrogance to walk up to a stranger, make a comment about their personal appearance and assume they will be bowled over that they have noticed you. What they are looking for is a woman with low enough self esteem to be drawn in.

[ChloeFrazer03]

I suppose you're correct, but to me, I see compliments as flattering, not objectifying, it's just a matter of opinion I guess.

[DrSeussRevived]

Another x post with Beta, who put it better.

[DrSeussRevived]

I think your line is in a different place to mine, Chloe.

Why are random men on the street keen to tell women their thoughts on the women's attractiveness, do you think?

[ABetaDad1]

Chloe - its objectifying. Its invading your space. Believe me. Blokes that say that stuff unless you are in a very intimate relationship are just pushing boundaries. Its what they do and I have seen the sorts of blokes that do it. They are like that with every woman. Its not a compliment, they don't give a stuff about you. Its all about them.

[ChloeFrazer03]

Not say something that you wouldn't say to another bloke? I disagree.

A guy who tells me "You have beautiful eyes" (I have a rare eye colour) Or that I am beautiful, they probably wouldn't say that to another guy but to me it doesn't seem objectifying, it's flattering.

[DrSeussRevived]

It's a rule of thumb, lass - and one I see Beta would also follow, as a bloke.

Would a bloke say "good tie" to another? Dunno, but it seems feasible to me. Would he say "nice smile", if not hitting on him? Very much doubt it.