Does your feminism disrupt your relationships?...

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

...because a male partner can't disrupt my feminism. A result of which is, they often seem to struggle to feel 'useful' within my life and unnecessary, I suppose. They're right! Aside from companionship and sex. I don't have a problem with this - they do.

I won't be in a relationship with a man again but I am interested in how others deal with the fragile male ego? Or if (like me) you don't bother pandering to it? If you don't, how do your male partners benefit your life, aside from companionship and sex? Do they feel pretty useless, when you change your own tyres, filters and oil, do your own diy, chop wood, can build minor projects and double dig the garden or have greater/ wider knowledge and understanding about things?

I've found, my independence seems to be what makes me seem appealing at the outset, yet after time, those same people struggle to find where they fit in and resentment (on their part) soon follows. I don't need 'looking after'!

I've met plenty of men who support equal sharing of traditional m/ f roles (each do a bit of both) but I've yet to meet one who can cope with a fem taking responsibility for all traditional male roles.

Any thoughts?

No, my husband's worth is not tied into traditional male gender roles and he has no more ego than any other human.

He is supportive and interested in women's and LBGT rights and, working in solving media and marketing, regularly talks to me and my friends about avoiding being patronising to woman and male privilege.

I think you are selling a whole gender short.

Sacred, I've owned everything I've said, shared my experiences. I haven't applied my experincea to a 'whole gender' and if I had, I wouldn't be interested in whether others have encountered it. I am and I'm glad you have not

'Do they feel pretty useless, when you change your own tyres, filters and oil, do your own diy, chop wood, can build minor projects and double dig the garden or have greater/ wider knowledge and understanding about things?'

No, he's an adult and an academic and very happy and secure with his own knowledge-base and skills. Most of which are not in traditional Bull Stag areas. OTOH, I feel no need to do everything myself just to show that I can.
Our partnership has worked well for a long tme, and our children have grown up with a very broad understanding of who does which jobs and why.

For example I can change a tyre, but I get him to loosen/tighten the nuts because it's easier for him as he's stronger. However, he doesn't drive.

No, doesn't feel useless at all about my independence, any more than I feel useless because he can (and does) do many of the things normally associated with a women's role.

Not generalising - just my experience.

Well, I cannot do most of the things you list, but neither can my DH.

mine used to be quite proud of the fact that he was married to a feminist who kept her own name, always worked, didn't iron his clothes, etc etc etc - but then, after 24 yrs of that, he met his 'soul mate' who wanted nothing more than to be taken care of, take his name, plump his cushions and service his every need.

For me the rock solid core of my feminism is that while I found it perfectly possible to be happy, secure and fulfilled while married to a man - I find it perfectly easy to be happy, secure and fulfilled while not married to one - or indeed in a relationship with one. I do think my exH knew that and struggled with it. We had an ongoing debate about 'wanting to be with' someone vs 'needing to be with' them. I thought wanting to be with someone was a preferable state but he thought it should be needing to be with..... so he found someone who needed him. I certainly don't believe that all men think like that though.

When I was married I always found myself worried about stepping on my exH's ego. I hated beating him at games or earning more money than him as it caused a problem but I resented that I had to put myself down so that he felt ok about himself.

Of course I don't know if that's a general experience with husbands, but I do find that I get on so much better with men now that I'm not married to one

Yes I have had the 'you're so independent you don't need anyone' argument thrown at me. yes I don't need anyone I am perfectly capable of looking after myself and my needs, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want someone.
As catsrus says I would rather someone wanted to be with me as an active choice. as that to me has more value than needing to be with someone.
It has caused issues in relationships.

Do they feel pretty useless, when you change your own tyres, filters and oil, do your own diy, chop wood, can build minor projects and double dig the garden or have greater/ wider knowledge and understanding about things?

No. In fact mine will happily make me a tea when I come in from any of the above.

OP do you enjoy doing those things in themselves or enjoy the independence it gives you that you can do them? Personally I wouldn't get much out of doing those activities (other than having greater knowledge about some things) but I don't need anyone else to do them, I could do them or pay someone else to do them if I had to. I imagine there may be some women who feel like they need to be in a relationship to get these things done but lots of men can't do those things either. My DH is pretty handy but also too busy to do stuff like that. He doesn't have a fragile ego and I know more than him about loads of stuff but he knows more than me about loads of stuff too. I definitely could not put up with a fragile ego or someone who feels he needs to know the most.

Can I ask why you used the word "fem"? Genuine question.

I was a very independent 28 yr old when I met my dh. I owned my own flat, laid my own laminate flooring, career, interests (a male dominated sport that I was pretty proficient at) so he knew what he was signing up to.
We share work now, playing to our strengths rather than gender roles, I am better at anything requiring attention to detail - joinery, decorating - he is far better with cars and bikes. He is also a far better cook, but I'm a better baker.
Sharing life's tasks and companionship and sex and co-parenting is what we both get out of the relationship. We are heterosexual but that's the only reason for me sharing my life with a man rather than just another person of either gender.

DH does the bulk of the cleaning and directs the rest of it somewhat. And (currently) earns more money. So I suppose in a way he is feeling needed in his niche. The examples you gave in your OP don't really apply to us. But I don't know - you asked what people get from relationships other than companionship and sex, but what you've described is two people having set roles which is not how I experience it.

For me in my marriage at least it's more of a literal partnership. The best description I've read of it anywhere is the Baggage Reclaim article about co-pilots in relationships, and that's exactly how it feels, co-pilots, business partners, however you want to frame it which is a genderless (or traditionally same-gender) kind of relationship. It's having someone there to say "I've tried this wheel three ways and it just won't come off. Can you think of anything?", it's someone to do the jobs you hate in return for ones you don't mind as much (I swapped laundry for washing up, yes ), someone to pick up the slack when you're feeling tired/ill/whatever really, someone to take over and help you out if you're about to explode with whatever, to notice if you're about to explode, come to that, and be there. Someone to mull over issues you're having which might not even affect them, someone to share the big decisions like whether to move house, have a child, etc.

It is more than companionship and I think it is important to feel needed, or not needed perhaps but respected, appreciated and valued in a relationship. If someone constantly refuses your help or doesn't ask your opinion or insists on doing absolutely everything and not sharing any responsibility at all then you're going to feel like a bit of a spare part before long.

Do you want to be partnered up with someone like that, to have a co-pilot for life, or would you prefer to be independent? Not that they are mutually exclusive but I'm struggling to come up with a better adjective. Flying solo?! There's nothing wrong with wanting to do that but it sounds like maybe you're looking for (partner type) relationships but then being confused/annoyed/put out when they try to get into the driver's seat beside you because you want to be totally in control? Or perhaps you've just been unlucky meeting guys who want to do the traditional male thing and feel a bit nonplussed by you not wanting it.

You don't need to complete male stereotyped jobs or hobbies to be a feminist. If that were the case I couldn't describe myself as one. And I most definitely am.
My husband does all the diy and all the carstuff but also cooks and cleans. What does all that have to do with my feminism.
We both belive in equality and the roles we play in our home don't change that at all.
We rely on each other for the things we aregood at.

Thank you for these responses! I'll read through properly tomorrow but for now...

I definitely could not put up with a fragile ego or someone who feels he needs to know the most.

Neither could I! I recognise these men had misogynistic outlooks and I realise their attitude was based upon that.

Can I ask why you used the word "fem"? Genuine question.

Just abbreviating!

Do you want to be partnered up with someone like that, to have a co-pilot for life, or would you prefer to be independent? Not that they are mutually exclusive but I'm struggling to come up with a better adjective. Flying solo?! There's nothing wrong with wanting to do that but it sounds like maybe you're looking for (partner type) relationships but then being confused/annoyed/put out when they try to get into the driver's seat beside you because you want to be totally in control? Or perhaps you've just been unlucky meeting guys who want to do the traditional male thing and feel a bit nonplussed by you not wanting it.

I'd tend towards the latter. This was far from the only aspect of their behaviour which was misogynistic. I could manage an equal sharing of responsibilities quite happily, what I've struggled with is them being internally affronted when I take on tasks they've decided should be theirs, iyswim? Purely because (and eventually vocalised), they are male and I'm not. I've found that offensive!

Had they been better at it, their strength required or more educated in it (whatever it may be, I realise the examples I gave were limited!), then there would have been good reason. This hasn't been the case and also, I'm capable and enjoy these things

I find it perfectly easy to be happy, secure and fulfilled while not married to one - or indeed in a relationship with one. I do think my exH knew that and struggled with it. We had an ongoing debate about 'wanting to be with' someone vs 'needing to be with' them. I thought wanting to be with someone was a preferable state but he thought it should be needing to be with..... so he found someone who needed him.

catsrus, I can relate to this! Right down to the need v want debate and going off to find someone more needy. I'm firmly in the 'want' being preferable camp. A need is a necessity, a want is a desire!

No. In fact mine will happily make me a tea when I come in from any of the above.

As did mine. What I'm talking about isn't something which produced a reactive response, it was far more insidious and the damage done wasn't made clear until later on.

I was a very independent 28 yr old when I met my dh. I owned my own flat, laid my own laminate flooring, career, interests (a male dominated sport that I was pretty proficient at) so he knew what he was signing up to.

This was my point in my op. They knew the same of me, upon meeting but the balance you speak of hasn't been acheived. It's good to hear that it is achievable, at least for some.

Thanks all it's been really interesting to hear some similar and alternate experiences.

I read your title and thought, "No, we're both feminists, why would would it disrupt our relationship?".