Buffy
"So, I spoke up. Which solved some problems, but has created a load of new ones. One of those being the aforementioned emotional fragility, others being that I don't seem to be able to trust anyone who has a position of power over me at work. Also, I don't trust myself, my own perceptions or ability to negotiate the social and political processes of working. Plus I fear I am tagged with a troublemaker brush and am being subtly punished for it. It's a bit shit,"
no, it is very shit.
Hugs to you.
I just want to say that you are probably right about everything you are feeling. You are probably right not to trust people, if that is how you feel, and you are probably - temporarily! - in a situation where the social and political processes are deliberately tangled against you, creating various double binds etc, and you are right to feel that your course is not clear and it's hard to negotiate.
I am saying this not to be doomy - it will not be like this forever, and there are things that you can do - but because I think it is really important at times when things are tough to sit down and admit, yes, things are stacked against me right now. I am not giving up, they aren't going to win, but they are trying to fuck me over and they can.
The most valuable day of my working life was spent one Easter Monday, crying in a tent in my parents' garden in the rain, picking through in my head what was MY FAULT and what was THEIR FAULT. Some of it as MY FAULT and that was good because I promised myself to make some changes. Some of it was THEIR FAULT and that was good too because just setting it all out in my head and saying "YES! in this respect they are UTTER DICKS!" was really important for my sanity.
"I spoke up". I have never, ever, ever, had a good result from speaking up. I am sure you did it brilliantly and it was the right thing to do but I have been punished so comprehensively for doing it (quite badly and naively of course) that it is something I just don't have the guts to do any more. I know you felt you had to and I am sure you were right. I am just saying: you are not imagining the fallout.
I am sorry you are fragile. you don't deserve to be. If you give of yourself to your job anything like you do to us on here - and I know you must do, orders of magnitude more - they are bloody lucky to have you.
Hang in there, Buff x