Keeping my surname

[popsnsqeeze]

Hi All,

DH and I were married about 7 years ago now. I'm from the UK, we were married abroad and have now moved to a third country.
Out of sheer laziness and lack of money I never updated my British passport to my married name. Now, in moving to country 3 the visa is being issued in my maiden name as per my British passport. And I like that!
So in country 3 I want to revert back to my maiden name. Obviously I have to check into the legalities but aside from that I want to be able to coherently explain to DH why I want to keep my name.
My reasons are,

1. I simply prefer it.
2. I have become much more feminist thinking and don't see why I need his name.

But I think I'll need to really be able to explain it to him as he'll argue that as a family we should all have one name, and he thinks I'm being a crazy feminist. I've only recently started thinking with a more feminist approach, and I don't know that I'll be able to explain myself adequately.

So I'm looking for the more thought out reasons as to why this is really not a big deal for him. And I guess just to develop my own thoughts and reasoning.

Thank you!

[popsnsqeeze]

Secrets - that's sad really. I can really understand that feeling of a name being forgotten. I have an obsession with making sure I know names of murdered family members so that I can use them for my own children and keep them alive somehow.

[popsnsqeeze]

Wem - DH works for a family member who is extremely traditional in his thinking. Calls the women who work for him 'the girls.' DH called them that once and I have him a long speech about how disrespectful it was. I may have enjoyed giving my speech a bit too much and I elaborated at great length from my extremely high moral high-ground! There was some eye rolling from DH. BUT he hasn't called them 'the girls' since, and sees why it was disrespectful and is challenging some of the other views his family member holds.
Also, as I read more and really form my own feminist thoughts and ideas I've come up against some more radical ideas that I've enjoyed debating with him, he struggles with the idea that a patriarchy seeks to subdue women, sees repression of women as just something that sort of happened organically without men systematically keeping women weaker.
I think that these more radical thoughts are where his term of 'crazy feminist' comes from. I don't see it as malicious, just his mind being opened to new ideas and patterns of thinking.

[secretscwirrels]

Those are very good reasons. I am the last of the myname and it will die out in our family after me..
When I get called mrs xxxxx I don't feel like it's me This will still happen. I still look around for my MIL after 20 years of this.
I do know of one man who changed his name but he the most awful name.

[wem]

I meant to say, that was the one wibble DH had when I said I wasn't going to change my name. He quickly saw my point of view when I suggested he changed his name instead. It really is a very strange thing to do if you think about it in isolation.

[wem]

I think those are very good reasons. Has your DH been obstructive with your new thoughts about feminism? Called you a 'crazy feminist' before?

I agree with others that the best argument against the family all having the same name thing is to say he's welcome to change his name to yours.

[popsnsqeeze]

My reasons are that:

1. I don't like his name much
2. My maiden name is very rare, most of my family was wiped out in the holocaust and I feel that my name carries on a legacy. (Even though my children have my husbands name).
3. When I get called mrs xxxxx I don't feel like it's me, even after 7 years it doesn't feel like my name.
4. And as for my feminist thinking, I married young and just didn't really think it was an option to keep my name, it wasn't the 'done thing' in my circles. And as I've matured and thought more about it, I don't like the transfer of 'ownership' from belonging to my father and then being 'transferred' to my husband. I am me, and my name is a huge part of my identity.

[wem]

I think in this case, reclaiming your name after 7 years, you need to think through your reasons for doing it, rather than hearing all of ours. How has your thinking changed? Have you never felt comfortable with your new name?

I didn't change my name because it seemed such a strange thing to do, and when people who have changed their name get divorced I can understand why they don't want to change their name back - they've been living with that name for however long, it's not his name, it hers now just as much.

If you can fully understand why you want to do it, that should be enough of a reason for your DH.

[valiumredhead]

Ds is nearly a teen, he's never mentioned anything but then most of his mates have parents with different names.

[secretscwirrels]

I didn't change my name for all the reasons mentioned here. DH fully supported my choice. We were together many years before DCs,DCs have his surname, we agreed on this. If I had wanted DH would happily have called them by my surname.
As Dotty says I also live in a small place, where I literally can't think of anyone I know here who is married who hasn't changed their name.
It was never an issue before DC, after they were born I considered changing it to make things easier, which it undoubtedly is if you all share a name. DH persuaded me not to because he thought it was a valuable message for the DCs.
Now they are teenagers they hate the fact that we don't share a family name. They understand my reasons, and wouldn't care what name it was but they don't like having a different name to me. The truth is that most third parties assume I am their step mother.

[PumpkinGuts]

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/embracing-feminism-more-women-keeping-maiden-name-after-marriage-says-facebook-study-8693617.html

www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/09/last-name-change_n_3563519.html

www.nytimes.com/2013/09/02/opinion/when-women-keep-their-names.html?_r=0

newlyweds.about.com/u/ua/afterthewedding/shouldyouchangeyourname.htm

[heidihole]

My DH wheeled out the argument of a family should share the same name. I offered him my name if he wanted to change. He dropped the argument like a hot brick ;)

[valiumredhead]

Incidently,I have never had a problem having a different name than ds or Dh, it's never ever been an issue.

[valiumredhead]

I kept my name and we've been married years and years.

You don't have to explain it, do what you want.

My Dh didn't 'get it' at first so I asked him if he wanted to change his name to mine. He was horrified and I explained that was
how I felt.

End of discussion

[popsnsqeeze]

DH is great, really a well thought out guy. But he comes from a family where feminism is a dirty word, his mother firmly believes a woman's place is chained to the kitchen sink. DH is not like that at all, we split all household and family jobs well.
I just want him to learn something new, to understand what feminism really is and how it applies to the way we live our lives and raise our children. And I guess this is a part of that.

[PumpkinGuts]

Hopefully it isnt for something as silly as my MIL's suggestion that my son wouldnt know that I'm hus mother if we didnt share the same last name angry

ha ha that is potentially one of the dumbest thing I have ever heard. My children don't even know their last name yet..I am pretty sure they know who I am though

[Vagndidit]

I'm American and kept my maiden name. Honestly, it causes me more grief here in the UK (everyone is so keen to label you as Mrs/Miss Something) than it ever did while living in the States.

After 7 years I honestly wouldnt bother.

I'd be curious to hear your H's reasoning why you need a "family name."

Hopefully it isnt for something as silly as my MIL's suggestion that my son wouldnt know that I'm hus mother if we didnt share the same last name

[PumpkinGuts]

I often toy with the idea about changing back to my maiden name, but I like having the same name as my children and don't want to give them hassle of having to explain why their names were changed for legal documents later on.

[somersethouse]

Canada, Spain, Italy and France, you automatically keep your own name. Your child gets double barrelled, husbands surname first and mothers surname second. It is the UK which is unusual.
Not sure about America but I think it is like Canada... you keep your own name.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

I had this problem, DP said that keeping my name seemed like I wasn't fully committing to him. So I pointed out that I'm legally tying myself to him, what more does he bloody want?

He got the idea.

Tell him it's what you're going to do. If he argues, ask if he would change hos name to yours. If he wouldn't, then why shouldn't you keep yours?

[PumpkinGuts]

It is actually very common to keep your name in the states even in more conservative areas and MS is much much more common than in the UK

As for Dh just tell him that's what you were doing. You don't have any obligation to "explain" it to him.

[popsnsqeeze]

We're in a pretty conservative area but to be honest I don't really care what others do. In fact, I do quite like the idea of making a statement!
I don't think DH will be bothered, it's more a case of when he asks me why, being able to answer eloquently.
My 2 kids have DH's surname, and that's fine, I'm not bothered about that.
Also, I don't want to just tell him what I'm doing, I'm making a change that's important to me and I want him to understand it too.

[joanofarchitrave]

I think in the US it will depend on what circles you move in, but in general I think it's pretty normal to keep your name there, more so than in the UK.

I would just be honest with your dh - say that you're struggling to put it into words but that you found it stranger than you expected to lose touch with your original identity, the one he met, and you would feel better to keep that name. It can be oddly destabilising, I do regret changing my name and wish I hadn't.

[dotty2]

Oh - and I think it's quite common for American women to double barrel or keep their name. But the American women I know are mostly academics or work in the arts, so may not be typical!

[dotty2]

Do you know anyone else who kept their name? I guess if you don't, then it will seem odder to your DH than if there are others in your peer group. FWIW, when we got married, I was much younger and living in London and working in the cultural sector, going to a church with an active feminist reading group etc - and it seemed completely normal not to change your name - people asked me if I was but didn't assume I would. Now I live in a small town in the Midlands, where the culture is much more c/Conservative and I literally can't think of anyone I know here who is married who hasn't changed their name