Sorry, this is going to be long and probably ranty.
I have had one of my personal tutee students from the college in for my office hour this morning. She is 17 and a trainee veterinary nurse. She is beside herself with worry because she has found herself to be pregnant and has decided on trying to obtain an abortion without her parents finding out.
Among the things we discussed was how she came to be pregnant. It is part of my personal tutor duty to impart sexual health knowledge. Apparently, her boyfriend refuses to use condoms as he doesn't like them, claiming they are "passion killers". The student is not on the Pill for various reasons. I asked her as gently as I could why she does not refuse to have sex with him unless they sort out some sort of contraception - more suggesting that she should do this in future. She said that she tries, but once he gets excited it isn't fair to ask him to stop, and won't he get "blue balls" otherwise?
I was in full WTF mode. Where do boys get this bollocks from? However many years of sex education at school, and more subtly through TV programmes, and they are still talking like something out of the 70s. I remember our fab old school nurse in the 80s categorically telling us that "blue balls" were a myth, and that any man claiming that it hurt to stop was lying and taking advantage! Where do they learn this stuff - is it lads' mags? TV? Older brothers? It makes me so angry that women have moved on so much, and a large subset of men have not even taken the first step.
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions
Where do boys get this rubbish from?
TheSmallClanger · 09/11/2010 15:01
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Elephants - love your line 
For me it's not about how much it is her fault or his fault as if it's a zero sum. Neither operate in a vacuum, so both are subject to norms, media representations of what is and isn't 'normal', how to fit in ad infinitum. Everyone who produces a magazine that perpetuates these ideas, produces a programme, sets up an 'ironic' group on facebook is to blame. As is everyone who doesn't speak out and challenge these things is also to blame.
I can also tell you from experience that after getting out of a relationship where for 7 years I was told this shit, being in a totally different relationship for 12 years, being highly educated and confident, I still have a part of me that thinks what my ex told me is true, getting on for 15 years later. I still have to check with my husband that it isn't, that I can say no and not feel guilty. My articulate, logical mind tells me one thing. The stuff I was told at a highly influential stage in my life tells me another.
And I find it interesting that I would be very surprised if people on this board said someone who stayed at home with the kids but really didn't want to was just stupid and lacked confidence to stand up for herself. We'd all talk about the barriers that exist that mean that it is more difficult for her to continue her work, structural stuff. We wouldn't say it was 50% her and 50% her husband. We'd discuss lack of childcare, lack of flexible working, sexist attitudes. So why is this so different?
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