My fiance doesn’t want to get married in a church because of what others think

[Quickrunner91]

My fiance is from a Muslim background, however he isn't Muslim himself. He doesn't mind marrying in a church, however he said that a large amount of his friends from his background wouldn't approve, and they wouldn't turn up to the church as a result. I won't invite many guests from my side (I'd say around 10) so if he doesn't have many too he thinks it will be awkward.
I really wanted to marry in a church.

He’s mentioned before that other peoples opinions matter to him. He’s also said that in the past a girl has manipulated him to not perusing a relationship with another woman(way before he met me). So I’m worried he may be prone to manipulation and trying to please others. This is becoming concerning for me.

Should I try to persuade him or let this go and find an alternate venue?

He isn’t comfy getting married in a church so I think you need to really consider if it’s something you want to push him into. You risk putting him into a very awkward position.

Are you a practicing Christian? If yes then I assume his family and friends have accepted that and are happy it will be a mixed faith marriage.
If you aren't - why are you wanting to get married in a church?

Are you a Christian , do you attend that church. If you do then it’s important to you to have it there, but if you don’t why do you want to get married in a church?

I think you need to compromise with a secular service and venue.

It's something only you two can work out. He is saying 'other people's opinions matter to him', but I think there may be a deeper angle than that. If you want people to be with you and support you on your wedding day, then possibly this means more than the location you get married. It's not necessarily 'getting approval' (or not fancying being on the end of months of people's comments if they don't approve really but are coming a bit reluctantly), but feeling relaxed and making it easier for family and friends to enjoy it, he enjoys it more. A bit like people going for a Vegas or beach wedding because they really want it, but their families probably wouldn't and it might affect their enthusiasm leading up to it (not their thing, and/or costs high).

There are some places that have deconsecrated and repurposed church buildings, or places where the construction is quite similar in feel but has never had a religious purpose. Possible to research things like that?
(I wouldn't necessarily recommend these either way but these were examples I can think of:
Manchester Monastery | an Extraordinary Place to Visit (themonastery.co.uk), next one rather sorry for itself but still a lovely building with a lovely feel and setting: History of Nuneham Grounds | Global Retreat Centre

But you are trying to manipulate him to please you 🫤

Are you a religious, practicing Christian?

If so I can understand that it is important to you but he won’t really be taking the same part in the religious ceremony, will he?

You seem to have reservations or doubts about his personality. The two of you haven’t come to a shared position about how to handle your different cultural expectations or experience.

If you are not a practicing Christian, you presumably want to marry in a church because it is part of your culture and meets your idea of a ‘proper wedding’ . His family and friends likely have the same feeling about Muslim background weddings.

More work and communication needed between the two of you.

@Quickrunner91
He’s mentioned before that other peoples opinions matter to him. He’s also said that in the past a girl has manipulated him to not perusing a relationship with another woman(way before he met me). So I’m worried he may be prone to manipulation and trying to please others. This is becoming concerning for me.

This is the bit you need to focus on, not * *where to get married. You may find that he will be under pressure to conform to his background culture, whatever he tells you. And not just for the wedding.

If a wedding venue is already causing problems, are you sure your opinion matters more to him than anyone else's?

I think the decision making around both of your faiths is what you need to work on. If you’ve been in a cross cultural relationship for a while, a process for resolving this kind of conflict, should already kind of be in place. It will evolve throughout your relationship but you should have a version there.

Anecdotally, the way my friends did it, is by engaging in both. The Bride didn’t have to convert so they had a Nikah and a Mass from a religious point of view and then two parties. What strikes is as they have the full support of their family and friends, you don’t seem to.

This OP.

@TempleOfBloom how is the OP manipulating her fiancé? She's just stated what she wants. DH is an atheist, I'm Hindu he couldn't have cared less if we only had a Hindu ceremony. As it stands we're from different countries so had a wedding in each, but if in the UK we'd do a combined ceremony.

Apostasy is strongly frowned upon in Islam. I suspect these 'friends' (not family) don't know that he's' not a practicing Muslim anymore. Having only a church wedding would expose the secret.

If he really wants to keep pretending then the only solution is two weddings. Even a 'secular' venue won't solve it.

So you're Christian or you just want the big 'white wedding'?

I think if you are Christian and he is Muslim, that the wedding venue will be the first in a long list of things that will need discussion. Which holidays to celebrate? Which traditions of each faith to maintain and prioritise? How will the children be raised?

It can obviously work, but warrants a lot of communication and compromise.

I think marrying in one faith's house of worship is pushing it too far - unless you do celebrations in both. And a registry office is much more neutral.

I think it's less a matter of 'other people's opinions mattering' to him, it's about the compromises necessary to have a successful marriage with different cultural backgrounds -- it sounds to me as if he is trying to tell you about certain cultural pressures on him which exist regardless of the fact of whether he is himself currently a practicing Muslim. It's something you need to talk about, not just in relation to the wedding. Are you a practicing Christian? Is a church wedding religiously important to you?

You need to find out how any potential children will be raised before you marry. Many people remain with the religion they were born in to but many people drop the faith they were raised with and choose no belief system or a completely different one . I was raised a Christian though I’m not currently a practicing one. I did actually have a Muslim BF, we met at a trade Union conference. Now neither of us were practicing and all our parents were the sort who celebrated Christmas or celebrated Eid but neither set were devout. But even though this guy ate pork and was not a practicing Muslim at all he said his parents would expect the child to be raised in the Muslim faith.

It was at that point we decided the cultural clash was just a bit much, not so much between us but between our families.

Really a secular service would be far better in your circumstances but you must talk about how potential children will be raised to see if either of you have any sort of preferences and just how much you will take any of your parents views in to consideration, if at all.

I think YABU to be pressuring him into marrying I'm a church considering his upbringing and the family conflict it could cause.

Unless you're a practicing Christian, this is much like him trying to persuade you to have a Muslim ceremony. Would you be willing to do that?

The compromise surely has to be a non religious ceremony somewhere neutral, but to be honest if you haven't been able to reach that compromise between you by communicatingalready then I'm not sure a wedding anywhere is in your best interest.

If you are a practicing Christian, this is the least of your worries, it sounds like he is not fully on board with the realities of multi faith marriages. I'd be a bit concerned he could be pressured into practicing his faith and the knock on effects for you - I know people this has happened to. If you aren't a practicing Christian then I don't see why you can't just have a secular wedding. All that said, I'm marrying in my church but I attend it, it's important to me, I wouldn't compromise and if my fiance wouldn't agree it would be a big red flag

Not really relevant to thread but IME religious venues are often much cheaper for their attendees. I know many people who are 'culturally' Christian but don't really practice apart from attending the occasional service, celebrating Christmas and Easter. Some of them are even atheist, not so staunch that they refused to have a Christian wedding. Still got married in a church.
A similar secular venue would've cost thousands more.

Similarly Sikh friends married in the local gurdwara followed by a reception elsewhere.

The important thing though is these people grew up in the religious communities although they might not have still believed. Of course you can't just rock up to a random religious venue and expect to be married there under the same terms as parishioners

If you want to marry in a church for religious reasons, either have a private legal ceremony at the church, then a non legal secular service with guests.
Or have a church blessing afterwards on a later date

The big white church wedding was the only wedding I would have had, so if DH hadn’t have been on board it would have been a dealbreaker.

I don't think this is evidence that he's easily manipulated at all or that he cares too much what others think. Worrying that people just won't come isn't 'worrying what they think', it's worrying that they won't come and he'd like them to be there. It may not be that they disapprove, they just might not feel very comfortable about it, and I think you need to prioritise a venue everyone is comfortable with ultimately.

I don't get the impression here that future issues about religion are a thing as he is non practising, but I suppose you should talk to him about how much Muslim context he wants in any kids' lives - the answer may be none, the answer may be he doesn't want to practice but would like children to be aware of heritage for when they go to family events. The latter is much as my sister, whose husnand isn't Jewish, does with her son. He goes to Jewish stuff with the rest of the family and has some understanding about his heritage, even though they are non-practicing.

You need to have some much bigger conversations than just where to get married. We are all influenced by the cultures of our families. Relationships with our larger families are typically positive things that we want to encourage, especially for any children that might come into the marriage.

in my own case, I am an atheist, but my family is Catholic. My cultural foundations are in the rituals and traditions of their faith. We don’t actively incorporate them into our daily household life, but I am still a person who grew up in that environment and we still spend time with family that believes and actively practices.

you need to decide now how you as a couple will navigate these issues, especially with regards to children. We have chosen to set some strict rules of separation and non-participation when it comes to religion. That is what worked for us. Every couple has to make their own decisions. You will adjust as you go along, but you need a solid plan before you commit to marriage.

So basically you are saying that you are worried people who aren't you will be able to manipulate him? He's said he's not happy about getting married in a church, so it doesn't matter how much you want to - if you cared about his feelings you would be discussing what you can both agree on, not how to get your own way.

Sorry, but he needs to think twice about if this relationship is good for him.

I’d think twice about marrying someone with religious extremist friends who won’t even enter a church.

He's said he doesn't mind. So why would you not do it? Just because some of his friends might not come? Well, that's up to them, right? What's the alternative suggestion? Are you supposed to float different ceremonies and see what reaction his friends give?

And yes, this kind of thing will crop up again and again - e.g. christenings, school choices, how you raise your kids and what you tell them about religion. So you two need to have a shared vision now - not always be caught on the hoof by what his friends might think.

🐘 in the room, for sure.