Mother in law pregnant at same time!

[devonruth]

I got pregnant two years ago at the age of 20 (not on purpose but am financially stable etc). My mother in law was quite a young mom and has a 22 year old and 25 year old. I told her I was pregnant, then 1 miscarriage and 6 months later she announces she is "accidentally pregnant" at the age of 45. I put accidentally in quotation marks as she keeps changing her story. We were calling our child Daisy which she then "got dibs on" by decorating the room and putting Daisy on the wall (luckily i had a boy but we did not know this). Now that we've both had our children (mine is 2, hers is nearly 2), she doesn't make an effort at all with him despite living 3 streets away. She gave him a pair of Daisys shoes for his birthday! She puts all this stuff on facebook about how great a grandparent she is when in fact she's seen him 4 times this year. Am i over reacting and being petty? I'm just beyond frustrated at how immature she is. She tries to act like a teenager by leaving her child with others and going clubbing every weekend. I just find her very pathetic and it just upsets me that she sees her friends children but not her own grandchild.

[hollyisalovelyname]

So there is a back story- your partner was put in foster care because his mother drank.
Is the father of her 2 year old your partner's father?
She sounds charming.
Personally if she were my mil I'd go no contact.

[Ledkr]

Younger than his child I meant to say sorry

[Ledkr]

Well I did detect a slightly mocking tone in a few posts, if people don't want a baby after 30 then fine don't do it but don't assume we are all knackered and regretful.
I get defensive cos plenty of men have kids at an under age and don't have to defend themselves.
Comments like "he's too embarrassed to tell his friends he has a sister you get than him" do come across as nasty. Imo.

[Whatdoidohelp]

When she puts something gin FB you should write something back to correct her. I certainly would!

[Perniciousness]

Ledk I didn't read this thread as an older mum bashing thread at all - I read that posters wouldn't themselves want to be having kids at 45 which is fair enough. I've reread the thread and not even the OP is critisizing her DMIL for being an older mother but rather an older mother who goes out clubbing 3 nights a week.

I'm in my late 40's and I had all my DC before I was thirty and I couldnt imagine having a toddler in the house, especially as my DC are now all at Uni.

[sleeponeday]

Sorry to older mothers - I don't at all mean my own horror at the notion of pregnancy at my age to be applicable across the board! I have very tough pregnancies (chronic sickness, SPD, massive, massive weight gain despite being slim in non-pregnant life without any real effort), and being 40 compounded the discomfort and exhaustion of that a lot, compared to being 34. I do appreciate that some women will have far fewer problems, and that it's not a universal.

I also happen to think I'm a better mother now than I could have been in my 20s - again, applicable to me, not intended as a universal.

[Ledkr]

Pity that this became an olde mother bashing thread.
I had dd at 44, I cope perfectly well and also enjoy a social life.
I get tired yes but no more than when I had DS at 17.
I conceived naturally and carried to term a healthy child.
The reason for my late conception was that I thought I was infertile from chemotherapy.
My DH had no dc of his own so we were delighted.

Incidentally my ds has a son a year older and they are extremely closs even attend school together and we have holidays and days out.
My older children have never been embarrassed about me having their sister, quite the opposite.

The mil in this story sounded very odd and a bit nasty, but nothing to do with being an older mum and some of the sneering scathing comments on here were unnecessary.

[devonruth]

Perniciousness facebook is the root of so many issues these days

[devonruth]

thankyou Perniciousness i completely agree.
Its not so much he's embarrassed but i do see where he's coming from, Maybe a bit jealous as she missed out on his childhood (he got put into foster care due to her drinking) so I do see where he's coming from

[Perniciousness]

Hiding her on Facebook will solve a lot of your worries and tell your friends you are not interested in seeing what you MIL is up to on their accounts they sound like they are shit stirring . You need to disengage and stop trying to contact her all the time. You won't change her and it will just continue to annoy you. Concerntrate on all the nice involved people in your life and don't spend any energy thinking about someone who you don't seem to 'like' even if you do love them.

If your DS only saw her 4 times last year then surely it won't be difficult to have even less to do with her.

BTW You did say that your DP is embarrassed about having a baby sister . he's embarrassed to tell his friends that his mom has a child younger than his

[devonruth]

oh i know its not odd, i didn't mean it like that. Its just odd that after years and years of saying she's done with children, she gets pregnant 6 months after myself.

[Indantherene]

It's really not that odd to have a baby at 45. I had my first at 22 and my last 2 months short of 44 without assistance. A friend had her last at 47, which I thought was pushing it.

[devonruth]

It bothers me because she tells everyone she is a great grandparent when she is not.
She has told her daughter that this baby was not an accident just like what happened in her previous pregnancy.
It doesn't bother me that she goes out, it bothers me that she tells me I should look after my child the rare time I go out.
She hasn't picked up on that because i'm very nice to her and try to see the best in her.
He's not embarrassed by having a sister, he's embarrassed at the fact his mom goes clubbing and has pictures of her kissing 20 years olds plastered on facebook (I rarely use facebook but get showed by other people), so he's basically embarrassed of her antics.
I'm just trying to have a relationship with her and do what I can to help her out, whats so bad about that?
As I've said I do love her just not the person she's become

[Perniciousness]

I don't know why it bothers you so much seeing as it sounds like you hardly see her. She doesn't sound particularly nice but I think I could live with it if I only saw her a few times a year. I guess if she only saw your son 4 times last year then you didn't see her much more than that despite the numerous weekly texts.

Do you really think she had a baby because you did ? If so that is extremely weird. I'd suspect that it's just a coincidence.

I don't understand why it bothers you that she goes out. If her DC is being looked after by her grandparents then it sounds good to me.

Maybe she has picked up on the fact that you find her "pathetic' and "immature" and that your DP is embarrassed to have a baby sister. That would certainly explain why she doesn't see you son.

Can you hide her posts on FB then they won't bother you. I'd also stop bothering sending the numerous texts every week and offering to watch her DD.

I'm suprised you say that you love her when it sounds like the two of you don't really have a relationship.

[devonruth]

I last went clubbing when my son was one before my best friend went travelling around Australia.
It was disgusting, over priced and full of people trying to grope me. Went home at midnight haha

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I'm 45. With primary age dc. The idea of going out clubbing is grim. I last went proper clubbing quite some time ago and felt OLD then.

[devonruth]

I couldn't imagine having a teenager living with me when i'm in my sixties!
Haha you never know; that may be the case

[expatinscotland]

Gawd, I just want to sleep now. My younger two are 10 and 7. They can make their own toast and get their own porridge. They put the telly on. They read books. It's bliss.

Maybe she just tells you she's going clubbing, but she's really checking into a Premier Inn and getting a full night's kip.

[sleeponeday]

I'm 45 in a couple of months and that's right up there with nightmare scenarios.

Almost 42, and same. Pregnancy at 40 was exhausting and painful - the idea of repeating that at 45 makes my stomach clench. Literally.

[devonruth]

thankyou so much for understanding! I think others may think i'm being bitter and jealous but i'm just trying to have a relationship.
Thats very sad for you, but at least your son can spend time with people who make an effort.
If she decides to make an effort then that effort will be returned, and if not, well I dont need the negativity in my life and this person walking in and out of my sons life.
Definitely playing on my mind because you never really know when enough is enough or if you're doing the right thing

[ProfessorPickles]

I'd say yes it's time to move on, you don't need the hassle as a mother to a young child yourself. I've found I'm a lot happier since I stopped bending over backwards for people who don't reciprocate.
I used to take my new born son to visit his grandma on his father side every other week. And even though she's a lovely woman, it eventually wore me down as she'd never offer to come to us and being sleep deprived and having others to visit I eventually resented her for it. Long story short, she sees DS about 4-5 times a year now and never messages to see how he is!

However, I'm far happier and me and DS can spend more time with the people who matter!
I hope you can find a way to either befriend her or move on, being in the middle isn't a nice way to be and must be playing on your mind

[devonruth]

ProfessorPickles, she definitely doesn't like people to have more attention than her, whether it be negative or positive attention. She always seems to have to do one up.

expatinscotland, you are hilarious! I'm only 22 and feel the exact same as you!

[devonruth]

chopz, she might be struggling but we've offered to have her daughter so many times and she says no. The grandparents have the daughter 3 nights a week so she can go out. I had post natal depression and had no support off her yet I still try my hardest to help her out.

ProfessorPickles, thats what i mean, the way her attitude is and the way she acts is very bratty teenager.
At the end of the day, I text her, go to her house etc and get ignored, what more can i do? After two years of it, I think it's time to move on?

[expatinscotland]

It's actually on par with miraculous to naturally conceive, go to term and have a healthy baby at that age, IIRC. Gees, I have hot flashes and night sweats at 44, I'm pretty sure this is a sign my ovaries are defunct. The periods keep coming regular as clockwork. Sigh. If only . . . Nature's cruel joke, keep you menstruating even though you are infertile.

Thank fuck DH had that vasectomy years ago. Yikes! I was 3 months in front of my 38th birthday when I gave birth to my 3rd and it was definitely curtains for the baby factory after that!

[ProfessorPickles]

I don't feel like it sounds like she is struggling with the child specifically, she sounds like she has always been like this. Very jealous and competitive and probably extremely insecure deep down. Which isn't nice but also isn't the OPs responsibility at all, it's nice to support people that need help but it sounds to me like she's been this way all her life if she was jealous of her sister getting pregnant etc and competing with everyone or putting people down.