He hates my job

[Bakingwithmyboys]

DH hates my job with a passion. I've been a teacher 16 years, married for 13 this year. We've been together since I was a uni.

He hates the fact he feels he doesn't have a wife. That I can't do stuff with him in the evenings as I'm working. That I can't leave before 5.30 without it being a stress. (I already get to work latish as it's often gone 8 when I walk into my classroom). That my work takes up time on the weekend. I try to make sure this happens as little as possible but it is starting to affect my work. I'm primary and it means some of my books go unmarked for longer than they should or resources are a race to get ready or other things slip.

I know I should change for him as he says he's desperately unhappy. However, I'm not ready to leave teaching yet. I've gone back up to full time so we can try and afford a house move so finding another job of a similar salary without re training won't be easy. And I don't want to.

I don't know what to do right now.

[PrimaryTeacherabc]

I'm primary. It's full on. It's really tough but there are things I do that cut down the workload. Mark books within the lesson. Go round and live mark. Pre-prepare mark sheets, so that you can quickly mark in the lesson. Get them to mark where you can (depending on their age). I have taught years 3 to 6 and they are all capable of marking their own work, especially maths. The older they are, the easier this is ofcourse to get them to self mark. Plan some lessons which don't involve marking. Do a role play lesson, do a maths lesson where they play a roll the dice game etc. Cut corners where you can. Do one end of year report a night, to save you time later and to ensure you have your holidays free to be with your family. It's annoying I know but get things done in your lunch break. I work through my lunch (I'm harassed and busy anyway!), but it means that I can get home earlier. Basically do as much as you can in school, but apart from some obvious exceptions, by 6pm that's it. Time for family and life. But I know, I know. By that time, we are all absolutely shattered and just want to crash. But crash together and forget work until the next day.

[Bakingwithmyboys]

Thanks for replying.
I do a lot of these already, work through lunch. Though if we do a practical lesson then we still have to evidence it somehow in the books.
I could be better at live marking, its not a particular strength of mine but my TA is pretty good!

I could perhaps get a little more organised.

I can't not do anything at home though. We are a big school which means I don't have to plan all subjects, but what I do plan has to have a lot of stuff in it as it's for the whole team.

[Phineyj]

Do you have kids?

If so, is he prepared for the impact of not having the holiday childcare covered?

If you don't, is having you available in the holidays not rather good?

Does he outearn you significantly?

[CeciliaMars]

@Phineyj

Do you have kids?

If so, is he prepared for the impact of not having the holiday childcare covered?

If you don't, is having you available in the holidays not rather good?

Does he outearn you significantly?

This. Although teaching is full-on during term-time, not having to find childcare in the holidays is invaluable compared to non-teachers, and spending the quality time with your husband and kids for 13 weeks a year goes a long way to make up for the busy work weeks. If you don't have kids, I don't really know what he's complaining about! So you have a full-on job - so what?! You clearly enjoy it and don't want to give it up, so why should you. I think this is more of a husband problem than a work problem.

[Bakingwithmyboys]

We do have kids. DS9 and DS5 so having the holiday care is important at the moment. - I think.
He claims we would cope like everyone else does. As DS 9 is autistic I don't feel like he would do well in holiday camps.

I don't work when at home on a Monday (DS 9 has a class that I have to leave at 4 for to ferry him and I mark while I wait outside).

I think he's found Tuesday and Wednesday hard recently as I have been getting in later than 6 (school is 20 mins away) and so he's had to get the boys in and do dinner. I think he feels like he takes the brunt of parenting for those 2 evenings and is a bit resentful about this. (This one he needs to grow up on I think).

I then pick the boys up from school on a Thursday as it's my PPA and I have agreement from the head.

I then have to make sure I leave by 5 on a Friday so I can get home and do dinner.

The boys are young still so need dinner by 6 really. But the way I see it, as they get older this will get easier. It won't feel so rushed and they will just.be easier to manage.


He lost his mum 2 years ago and I think he has a little bit of "life is too short".

He says he wants a wife who is around all the time and doesn't have to work in the evenings. (2 out of the 3 evenings I work he is busy).

I'm being quite negative about him here but I feel in a catch 22 situation. He's not sure he can go on like this.

[Phineyj]

He is a man child.

Sorry.

[ThanksItHasPockets]

What does he do for a living? What options has he explored to increase his income to give you more choices?

It doesn’t really sound like he is taking 50% of the load. Moaning about two evenings of parenting is pathetic. Do not leave a well-paid career that you love for this man. I fear you might find that of it weren’t your job, it would be something else.

[CeciliaMars]

It does feel that it's all about what he wants. What about what you want? You enjoy your career - don't give it up for him! He doesn't like doing dinner twice a week and you getting in at 6pm? That's the job of a parent - either parent! It's only twice a week! He basically wants a housewife chained to the sink! It sounds like you are letting him walk all over you, sorry but that's the way it's coming across. It sounds like you've got a decent set-up at the moment - you already leave early 3 days a week so you can pick up the kids! He needs to Dad-up.

[Postapocalypticcowgirl]

I do think leaving later than 6 twice a week and 5pm on a Friday is pretty excessive. I get that he should step up and parent his children, especially as I imagine you do everything in the holidays, but this is a lot.

I would seriously consider trying another school. I'm secondary not primary, but I never leave after 6 although I will do some work at home some evenings.

[LadyLapsang]

I would think carefully about giving up your career so your husband doesn’t have to collect his children from childcare and cook dinner twice pw. If you leave teaching, you may well have a longer commute, no staff parking, 25-30 days leave pa, no salary progression without promotion etc. If he can’t cope with looking after the children for a few hours twice pw, I’m not imagining him taking leave to care for them in the school holidays while you are at work.

[Bakingwithmyboys]

Thanks for all your thoughts. I thought I was being the bad one but maybe I'm not.

The problem is resentment. He currently resents the extra time I spend on my job outside a typical 9-5. I will resent him if he makes me leave teaching.

He's kind of confused me this week anyway as since his most recent comment, on Mother's Day of all days, he's then been lovely with me. I know I need to have the conversation with him again but I'm scared.

If he is being a man child this is one of those rare times for him.

I almost need to find someone he will listen to to explain my side in a way that he will see it. If his Mum were still around she may have had something to say.

It doesn't sound like we have a great relationship perhaps but up until recently, we did.

If I don't leave my job, he may leave me. If I leave my job, I may just resent him forever.

[CeciliaMars]

He might actually leave you because he has to do dinner for the kids twice a week?? There's something not right going on here OP.

[Phineyj]

But why? A job's a job.

Workforce surveys regularly show ft teachers put in 50-60 hours a week in termtime. I'm 0.6 fte and do 40 most weeks plus commute.

I'd say I maybe put in a few more hours than some but it's the job! DH is rather grateful he doesn't have to do it tbh. He'd consider two weekday dinners for DC a good tradeoff.

Is your DH gathering evidence of what you are doing "wrong"?

[BestZebbie]

Does he actually understand that if you worked at a fulltime office job you would be in that building 9-5 (at least) ~48 weeks a year and not taking DS9 to a club on Monday, picking up on Thursdays, available in the school holidays etc?

Is his proposal not so much that you stop being a teacher but actually that you become a SAHM?

[yoshiblue]

@BestZebbie

Does he actually understand that if you worked at a fulltime office job you would be in that building 9-5 (at least) ~48 weeks a year and not taking DS9 to a club on Monday, picking up on Thursdays, available in the school holidays etc?

Is his proposal not so much that you stop being a teacher but actually that you become a SAHM?

Totally agree with this, every job has its pros and cons. I work FT and also travel infrequently (2/3 times per month) to London and Scotland. Often overnight and it completely bulldozes my ability to do childcare.

Home life works for us as it's give and take, and my DH steps up and does half at least, probably more. I have health issues causing fatigue at the moment, so he definitely doesn't more on an evening. Our son has ASC too, so totally hear you about holiday clubs. Huge benefit in being able to cover all holidays!

Your DH needs to accept where your life is atm. Moaning about having to deal with dinner/evening a couple of times a week doesn't sound terrible at all!

[yoshiblue]

Sorry that should have said 2/3 times per quarter! It's still a big pain!

[madnessitellyou]

I cannot believe you're even contemplating leaving your job because your husband is moaning about your job.

When he says he "doesn't feel like he has a wife" what he really means is "I have to do more in the house and childcare than I'd like to".

I did something else before training to be a teacher and holiday childcare was a nightmare. The thing about teaching is that you work a massively concentrated number of hours in a relatively short period of time. If he's as sufficiently hard of thinking as he appears to be he could always give it a shot himself.

[Fluffyowl00]

What happens in the school holidays? Do you have the kids?

[Bakingwithmyboys]

Yes I have the kids in the holidays. It can be a little stressful sometimes trying to get school work done as well. But DS1 would almost be more stress getting him into a holiday camp.

[Phineyj]

I think maybe you are making all this look a bit too easy.

Does your DH never look after the kids at all in holidays? What would his solution be if you changed jib and your eldest couldn't tolerate holiday club?

[Bakingwithmyboys]

DH rarely takes time off to look after the kids. He thinks they will just cope with whatever we have to do in the holidays as other kids cope.

He wants a wife, not a roommate. Are his words. He wants me to be free all weekend to do family stuff (though I've realised he gets to game with the boys that I have no interest in). He wants help with the housework (which is fair, we do try and split stuff but he probably takes on a little more of that). I will need to point out at some point (with lots of evidence) that I seem to carry more of the mental load about the day to day stuff. But there we go.


I think it's calmed down a bit now.
I'm by no means perfect and have made changes. But perhaps I do need to stand up a bit more about my job.