Free childcare, what should I do?

[Thesuniscoming]

Both dd and another girl in her class are going to secondary school in September. It is half an hour to 45 minutes away depending on traffic.

I don't know the mother very well, I know her well enough to speak to in passing but thats all, she has now accepted a job in London (1 hour each way commuting at least)

She wants me to commit to collecting her dd on certain days from the new school, and she will 'help when she can' as she doesn't know what her timings will be, or if she can be back in time for her dd.

I really don't want to do this, I feel it will be me that ends up doing all the lifts, looking after her dd when she is running late, and I have my own job (more local than hers, and I took a pay cut accordingly) I don't want to take on another child most evenings, she obviously has no intention of paying for actual childcare and is hoping to get by on favours I guess.

What would you do?

[christinarossetti19]

If the girls aren't friends, then definitely don't text again and definitely don't mention 'emergencies'.

There's no need - she has your number.

[Thesuniscoming]

There is a school bus it leaves after activities/after school club, so her dd isn't stranded, it would mean that would have to be back from work by 6.30pm to collect her.
So that is why I think she is def planning for me to have her regularly after school, they don't actually need lifts as there is a bus she can use. This is why I don't think she will ever be back in time, or is planning to be otherwise surely the school bus would be fine, and she can pick up from there.

[Thesuniscoming]

Sorry I rushed the post, and it came out very strangely Point is there is a perfectly well run bus service her dd can take every day.

[steppemum]

Ah yes, school bus getting in at 6:30 isn't working, you would definitely have her until after that!

Just do the broken record thing. No need to be rude, just assertive.

'with several dds at school our times and activities change, so I cannot commit to any days for pick up.'

'no - doesn't work for us, as we have multiple activities to work round. I can't pick up extra kids'

By the way - do you even have room for her if your older dc are in the car too?

[ChewbaccaHutchinsCool]

She needs an au pair.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Could the girls meet somewhere and catch the bus together or catch the bus part way back together? When I started high school it was an hour by bus, just me and another girl went. We knew each ok but weren't really friends but for the first few weeks would catch the bus together (and got lost on the first day together!!) but soon made our own friends and our own rhythm

[steppemum]

sleeping - OP doesn't use the bus, she has mutiple kids to collect.

[Thesuniscoming]

chew Yes she def needs an au pair, but I think the chances of her getting one is zero.

sleeping I have pick ups at different times, so try and do just the one as late as possible. Sometimes I need to go out and get another child later too. I can't commit to getting the bus anymore than I can commit to the lifts. I don't really know for sure what we will be doing each day. My eldest dd has a terrible habit of dropping matches/fixtures etc on me at the last minute, she is not very organised, and sometimes school do not give us enough notice.

steppe I can usually fit in one more in the car. I sometimes need to do multiple runs in the evenings. It is really tiring enough tbh. I can only just manage my own dc and their schedules.

[ChewbaccaHutchinsCool]

Honestly, the more you make this your problem the more it will be. She needs to be told firmly and assertively, that you are not available for childcare or lift shares or swaps, you have too much on and it doesn't work for your family and that it's not up for negotiation, unfortunately, because she'll continue to push because she's a user.

See how she is. You looked after her child as a favour, and she showed up 2 hours late and is still pushing on you. That's just mindblowingly entitled and rude.

[northerngirl2012]

if they don't get on, then really don't go into it. I share a lift occassionally with friends, the deal is we only offer the other DC lifts if it suits us. However, I've 3 DC, 2 of whom do lots after school and one who always gets the bus home. So, like you I'm always driving to collect at different times. Then if DC want a friend home for a couple of hours on an adhoc basis, that's fine AND you'll have the car space.

[llangennith]

You're going to have to be as assertive as she is and keep saying no. You don't need to provide a reason just that it doesn't work for you.

[Peachsummer]

Just say no? Ignore whiny messages, you’re not available, end of conversation. I wouldn’t want to be tied into any arrangement with someone else’s kid, I have enough with being responsible for my own.

[Drum2018]

Seeing as you didn't give a firm 'No' she has ignored your messages and is still trying to negotiate. Message back 'I think you misunderstood my previous message - I am not available to do pick up or child minding at all'. And leave it at that.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I can't commit to getting the bus anymore than I can commit to the lifts I meant your child get the bus not you get the bus, in assumption that for the first week or so there wouldn't be classes and by the time there is they'll both be able to do it independently.

Anyway, the answer is "sorry no, that doesn't work for us"

[jellybeanteaparty]

I would be tempted to message Just to clarify I have carefully considered my situation and the legistics my end and I am not willing or able to pick up your daughter from school on a regular or even on an ad hoc basis. Hope you get something sorted soon.