Head teacher knows my marital status - is this normal?

[windygallows]

DCs have been at their independent school for about 6 years. I've never spoken to the Head Teacher in person ever, just a mere nod or smile, mostly because I work FT and not at many school events.

At parent/teacher night I mistakenly brought DCs (school had sent out a letter asking that they not come but I forgot). In retrospect I couldn't leave them at home - I've been single for the last 4 years and ex lives hours away. I would have practically been able to get a babysitter for a 5 minute meeting anyway.

So at the parent teacher night the head teacher saw me with the children, told me they shouldn't be there and asked that they wait in a classroom while I see the teacher (rather than in the waiting area with the other parents). She was polite but I was a bit embarrassed about being chastised and mumbled something along the lines of 'I'm so sorry, I'm single and don't have anyone I can leave them with.' To which she replied, 'Oh yes, I know.'

ACK! Why does she know this? I've never told the school, communication still goes to both Ex DP and I, there's nothing formal to indicate this unless I just look like a woman scorned. If my 10 year old DC said something at school about her parents not being together, would this get back to the head teacher? Or do they keep some sort of demographic record of the children?

I'm mortified. I really felt judged - and already feel shitty being the outcast single parent at a school filled with posh married mums.

I'm not a teacher but posting in the staffroom for views from those who work in schools. Thanks!

[flowery]

”The school has only known us as having two homes/living in different cities”

Then that’s how she knew you were managing on your own. Because you always have been.

[mumofblueeyes]

Please do not worry and you should not be ashamed in any way. Huge numbers of married couples divorce. I am a teacher and blended families are almost the norm. I am sure the Head was prob a bit put out at the don't bring the children in rule being broken (never heard of that rule before by the way!) rather than your marital situation.

[windygallows]

Thanks all for your comments. My reaction was obviously a bit knee jerk and now that I have a better understanding of why the teacher might know, particularly in relation to pastoral care, it makes sense. Cheers, all!

[ltk]

It is helpful for teachers to know the bare bones of a child's living situation as it can help to direct correct responses and support. It's not a judgy thing. Ie, Hey Windy, if you need to bring the dc on parents evening, XX classroom will be open for them.

[LockedOutOfMN]

Won't the school office have 2 addresses on file for your children? That would then make it likely that parents live separately, equally if they have to send reports to 2 different email addresses.

We do have situations where, for example, parents do live together but one works abroad, but, under such circumstances, it tends to be all correspondence to one address as the parent who's permanently at home with the kids will deal with it.

Your children are also likely to have mentioned it to their class teachers over the years in one way or another.

[GreenTulips]

They would barely be have seen the kids father if he lives miles away - and therefor unable to collect the children or attend meetings

[GreenTulips]

A decent head teacher knows their children and their parents

As you aren't around very much they would know you were working

[PrincessHairyMclary]

If a child mentions that there parents are divorced or living apart I might put it on the system as a pastoral concern if it's having an effect on the child so that our Community leads (pastoral team) are aware. Normally it's just small stuff like forgetting equipment or books as they are at the other parents house or being extra tired or just generally not very happy. The HT might become aware of it through that.

I imagine in your case it sounds more like the HT was sympathising that it was difficult to find someone to babysit. You never know they may have been in the same position themselves.

[AppleKatie]

How rude Grobags!

Independent schools are not shops. And even if they were shops are free to speak however they like to paying customers. If the customers chose to vote with their feet that is, of course, their perogative.
Schools can and do set rules. And thrive.

[Grobagsforever]

@RosiePosiePuddle - sorry, but my post is factually correct. Parents at a private school are paying for a service which makes them customers. One does not tell customers off for perfectly reasonable behaviour.

If you don't understand this then go and work in a state school.

[PersianCatLady]

No one cares at all
Exactly

[speakfriendandenter]

Haven't not having

[speakfriendandenter]

Apologies, having read the whole thread. Could it be clear from the emergency contact data that you and your children's father aren't together? The head may be aware because of this. Different addresses &a phone numbers etc.

[TheNecroscope]

If you have always been living apart, they probably assumed you were split up before you actually were. I'd be very surprised if you are the only one at the school!

[Cel982]

But if she was aware you were living separately from the start, she probably thought your ‘single parent’ comment was in reference to that. And doesn’t necessarily know that things have changed.

[windygallows]

So you split up with your ex (yourkids' dad, I assume) four years ago but didn't tell the school?

It was a bit more complicated than this. ExDP had been working away in another city for a number of years, so the split was very gradual. The school has only known us as having two homes/living in different cities if you see what I mean. I probably should have told the school but just didn't realize they'd care, if you see what I mean.

[RosiePosiePuddle]

Several things come to mind reading this thread.

First, at the mega posh school I work in loads of parents have split up. No one cares at all.

Second - apologies to school managers on here - but most of them are odd to say the least. I wouldn't put it past some of them to just answer "Yes I know" to anything, lest they show that they don't know something.

Third, some teachers can't help but treat everyone like kids. Fortunately they tend to be rare, but definitely exist.

Next time I suggest you remind her that you are a paying customer and one does not tell paying customers off!!!

Unfortunately we come across this attitude a bit. You can guarantee being the subject of gossip if you take it.

[CocktailsAndDreams]

So you split up with your ex (yourkids' dad, I assume) four years ago but didn't tell the school?

I find this quite strange that you would not let the school know that there was such a potentially traumatic home situation when the kids were so young.

[Slartybartfast]

It is important to know for your child's sake, not yours. they need to know Dad is not at home.

[eurochick]

I can't believe you are the only single parent at the school. Surely it's pretty common in 2018. And no one cares.

[SirHumphreyMacdonald]

You are reading too much into this

[ineedaholidaynow]

OP you don't seem to like the school very much. Why do you send your DC there?

[PastaOfMuppets]

I think you're projecting
Clearly you feel like the school staff would judge you so it's unsurprising you interpreted that you were being judged

[NSEA]

Are you sure she didn’t mean ‘oh yes I know...the struggles of being a single parent’ rather than oh yes I know your marital status

[PenguinsandPandas]

Mine are at a state school and the Head would know our martial status, that we have a cat and her name, where we live etc but I know the same about him.