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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

The litter tray

Still grieving for my cat - how long will it hurt?

38 replies

mignonette · 12/08/2013 10:13

My beautiful cat Thomas died last November. I still find it hard to cope with him not being here and that his cause of death remains a mystery. He was found on wasteland away from any roada and without a mark on him. I am in tears over missing him most days. We went to look for another cat thinking this is what we might need but it only made it hurt more and we have decided not to for the time being.

Here is a photo of him, another one and one more.

When did it stop being so acutely painful for other cat owners? I feel like I cannot breathe sometimes when I think of him.

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lurkedtoolong · 15/08/2013 07:18

OP so sorry for your loss. He was such a beautiful boy. I'm in a very similar situation. My gorgeous cat (also Thomas) was killed by a car (we think) and his body taken by a fox on 18th May and I'm still a wreck. I cry most days and haven't yet moved on to the stage where I can remember the good times happily.

I've spent a lot of time looking for answers and the one thing that keeps coming up is that this intense pain is actually fairly normal. Lots of people experience it but we just don't admit it/talk about it openly often enough. It helps me to know I'm not alone feeling so bad and you're not alone either.

We got two new rescue cats very quickly. They haven't replaced Thomas in any way but it does help a little that the house isn't empty. The knowledge that we are helping another couple of little creatures is a comfort but I know everyone has to go at their own pace but it's certainly helping me cope.

Take care

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mignonette · 15/08/2013 07:52

IWouldRather Oh my goodness, what a lot you have had to endure. I do sympathise and well done for rehoming some new pets. I cannot imagine how difficult you must have found it and the remaining cats must have reacted as each of their numbers died.

Lurking That is terrible. No wonder you are grieving hard. It is very early days for you and people really underestimate the trauma of such a loss.

My son had his first driving test an hour after we found Thomas's body and he failed it of course. We all sat in the kitchen unable to function really. The shock and pain was more overwhelming than I ever imagined as I thought we'd have more than a year with him. Good for both of you for getting new cats. I tried to but just wasn't ready. I will continue to help out in the evenings with socialising but our road scared me (even though statistically it is quiet roads that cats die on more) when I had Thomas and now I just see it as a death trap. I will hopefully take on some old boys needing house care only in the future.

to you both

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Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 15/08/2013 22:16

Bless you, thats so kind when you're feeling so bad. One thought - what about (when you're ready) a house cat that cant go out? I must admit we live in a very quiet cul de sac but after losing my boys, even though they weren't run over, i cannot bear it when they go out the front. They are only allowed out under supervision!

I dont think anyone understands who hasnt loved a pet. One of my team sought me out the other week, she had just lost her little cat and desperately needed to talk to someone who understood. We ended up blarting together like mad fools.

Please take care of yourself xxx

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ExitPursuedByABear · 15/08/2013 22:24

So sorry you are struggling.

We all cope in different ways.

She cats wander less.

Please get another.

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MissStrawberry · 16/08/2013 10:57

We lost our 18 year old 3 months ago and we already have two new rescue cats we have had for a couple of months. The house was just cold and miserable without a cat and we were chosen by the two cats we have now. We didn't expect to be cat owners so quickly but they have really helped all of us though of course we still really miss our first cat and wish she was still here. She would have been 19 in a couple of weeks.

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mignonette · 16/08/2013 11:04

IWonder How kind of you that you comforted your colleague. My colleagues said they had never seen me so grey faced and shocked as when I tuned up at work afterwards.

Yes a house cat would be a solution. We have vile boy racers outside and my cat loved scrapping with other cats underneath cars. He was permanently stained with engine oil.

Miss That is a great age for a cat to reach.

Exit I will try. I have offered to foster so maybe that would help? There are so many cats and maybe if I spread myself around them a little I would have the pleasures without the terrible fear. I was neurotic enough about the road when he was alive and Thomas never spent more than twenty minutes out because (I think) he needed to keep checking that he still had a home from being an ex stray. I knew after 40 minutes that he was gone/dead. I just knew it. My Thomas was a home boy.

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cozietoesie · 16/08/2013 11:15

We have a largeish old house (unfortunately also a largeish, old roof!) with lots of stairs to run up and down and our boys have always been happy inside. (There's a people presence all day as well.) Even The Lodger started staying indoors most of the time although he was allowed to go out at will: he seemed to like being in, safe, and able to hang out with people.

Some rescues do 'long term fostering' - eg where they have, say, an older special needs cat who can't go out and may have a medical condition, they put them to a foster but pretty well on a permanent basis - and pay all medical bills etc. Maybe that would be for you?

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mignonette · 17/08/2013 09:49

Yes that would be the kind of thing we'd like. An older cat that needed a fire side and no outdoor excitement.

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cozietoesie · 17/08/2013 10:09

Plenty of them out there, mignonette. Too many in fact because so many people want a kitten gambolling about that the older boys and girls can be completely overlooked. And if they have a special condition, their chances of getting any sort of home for their sunset years are slim indeed.

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mignonette · 17/08/2013 10:16

Yes very sad. I am actually not that keen on kittens. I find them too brittle and tiny but I do socialise them at a cattery as many of them are born of feral parents. I like the gravitas of an older cat especially when they forget their age and have a little mad half hour. I go for the scruffy less photo pretty cats.

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cozietoesie · 17/08/2013 10:23

Know what you mean. I acquired Seniorboy when he was 13 (he's 18 coming up on 19 now) and we suit to a 'T'. He's a very measured cat - apart from when he has his mad 10 minutes. (He's getting a bit past the full half hour nowadays!)

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mignonette · 17/08/2013 10:29

We have a local gunslinger of a boy living nearby. He has clearly led a raffish life with his one eye, moth eaten ears and low slung walk. He reminds me of John Wayne in his twilight years, creaky, ageing but still got it and wants others to know it. He is a local celebrity cat but has a loving owner so no cajoling him in. That is the kind of cat I like.

A cat that has had a hard life. That is what I will wait for. One will arrive soon I hope.

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Chatzara3 · 25/09/2019 07:57

I was reading a thread from 2013 and it has helped me to come to terms with the loss of our cat dolly who was only 6years of age, the grief, torment and guilt of not knowing how or why she died is unbearable, she was found under my neighbours tree, we are utterly heartbroken and miss her so much, it has only been a couple of days so we have a long way to go I know, but I just wanted to thank mumsnet and the people that posted their stories as it really is helping us.