Dogs and depression - struggling with new puppy

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Please could I ask for some advice/guidance/reassurance?

We brought our golden retriever puppy home last week after planning extensively, finding good breeder, waiting for the pups, getting all the equipment, reading the recommended books. I guess I'm trying to make it clear that we didn't go into this lightly!

He's very cute, typical puppy behaviour (biting, occasional accidents although clean at night straight away).

The problem is that my thoroughly treated and managed depression has reared it's head for the first time in years since he arrived. I have been medication free for a long time but am eyeing my anxiety/depression tablets in the hope of getting through the next few months.

I suffered terribly with PND, was hospitalised for months. I was worried that the responsibility of having a puppy would be so similar to a baby that I even discussed it with a therapist, the breeder and my GP in passing. All reassured me that pet ownership has only positive affects on depression. I really wonder whether PND should be looked at differently - I feel zero bond to him, would gladly give him back if it weren't for the judgement I'll get from friend/family.

This is our first dog but I grew up taking care of a menagerie of animals and we've dog-sat for friends. I guess it's different when it's your own and never-ending.

DH says we have 3 options - I start taking my meds again, we give him back to breeder or we just struggle through as we are.

I really don't know what to do. Sorry for the length of this post but can anyone offer words of wisdom?

[mynameisnotmichaelcaine]

I absolutely love my puppy but she has made me very anxious. I worry that she's not happy / whenever she barks / that she'll suddenly snap / that she'll run away and not recall to me. I think it's the responsibility. I left her for a couple of hours today, and struggled to eat my lunch. She was fast asleep when I got home, and perfectly happy.

The feelings are easing now (she is 8 months.) I lost a stone when I first got her with the anxiety of it.

I love her so much though. The walks are wonderful. And I can only see it getting better. Training sessions are a really good way of feeling a bit more in control.

[FeFiFoFum1]

@TheWildRumpyPumpus I know this was a long time ago. I found your post and it is as if I could have written every word you’ve said myself. I just wondered how you got on? We are at a bit of a crisis point and have contacted a rehoming organisation today to get the ball rolling. We have a cockerpoo and she is just too much for me. I have come to release my home is a haven and she has introduced so much chaos. After PND o have worked so hard at understanding my triggers but never once anticipated a puppy would reignite my feelings of PND the way it has. Xx

[Jinnybean]

We bought our girl home two weeks ago. The day we went to pick her up my dad was rushed to hospital, he died 11 days ago. It’s been so hard. Especially the sleepless nights. But I take her for a walk in the morning (which I really enjoy snd it makes me escape into my mind) snd then she naps for a good 2/3 hours so I go bed. We then train/play/nap/eat all afternoon and I take her for another walk around 5/6. It’s so hard. Especially when I can’t even brush my hair sometimes.

[Carrcarrcarr]

Hi there, I don't know whether you'll see this but I was searching the Internet for someone feeling the same as I am now and I found your post! I could have written this myself - it's exactly the situation I find myself in now. I'm intrigued... Did you end up keeping the puppy? How are you now? I'd love some advice from someone who's been through it and is (I hope) out the other side. X

[Benny739]

DotDash2020 this is a zombie thread. Start your own and I’m sure you’ll get a tonne of advice. Puppy blues are very real!

[DotDash2020]

I was wondering what decision you came to over this, as I am in exactly the same situation now.

[BagelGoesWalking]

How are you doing, WildRumpy? How was the weekend?

[Dieu]

I strongly believe it will get better. I will never forget the day I brought our pup home (singlehanded, as lone parent); I felt sick with nerves and anxiety (and I too am prone to a bit of depression and anxiety). For me, it was too similar to the feeling of bringing home a newborn for the first time. A bit scary and with the feeling that your world is never going to be the same again! What didn't help was his slowness to toilet train (8 months!) and separation anxiety.
However, we have now had him for a year, and I can't imagine life without him. Love him loads. Not bad for someone who only got him for the kids! We're crazy about each other!
So I say hang in there! I'm pretty sure it's the newness and unfamiliarity that's making you feel this way initially.
Good luck.

[WanderingTrolley1]

I think you should return the dog to the breeder.

I can't see the situation getting any better, really.

[Badgoushk]

I totally understand where you're coming from. We got our puppy before we had children and I joked that I got post puppy depression! I remember sobbing in the shower!! For me it was the sudden loss of freedom. I couldn't go out of the house for a couple of weeks because of his jabs. We couldn't go to any of our favourite cafes/restaurants as they weren't dog friendly. We couldn't leave him home alone. It was overwhelming and very upsetting. I think admitting the feelings to my husband and Mum helped.

I can't remember how it got better but things improved quickly once we could go out.

Today he's 7 and is fantastic with my 2.5 year old and 9 month old! I'm very glad we saw it through.

Don't beat yourself up over this. It will get better soon but if you can't cope then send him back. Your mental health is more important.

Xxx

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Thanks again everyone for your experiences.

I was the main driver in getting a dog - DH had a preference for a puppy whereas I would have happily gone for an older rescue.

I did so much research which is what is making it extra galling! We went for the GR as I wanted to be going out for long walks when he's older. I can see that down the line in a year we could be really happy, it's working out if I can get to that point without it harming my mental health in the meantime.

[BagelGoesWalking]

Don't feel bad about it. Like lukasgrahamfan, I found it too overwhelming, I too fell into a black hole and just couldn't see my way past it. It is totally consuming and I couldn't cope with feeling of being trapped and the feeling that I should be happy when I really wasn't. The pup was rehomed very happily and I've now realised he was completely the wrong breed for us anyway (collie cross). I wish I'd had the knowledge then that I have now about dogs, from Mumnset doghouse and many other sources.

I've since fostered two dogs, which I've enjoyed but they were older, much easier and not nearly as time consuming as puppies are. As fosters, they were with me for about two months, so it gave me the enjoyment of having a dog without the feeling it was all my responsibility.

It's a difficult decision, but you shouldn't your mental health. That has to be the priority.

[EasyToEatTiger]

Please keep on forgiving yourself. I recently stopped taking my drugs and found myself more anxious and crying than normal but not actually depressed. When you are feeling vulnerable, looking after the baby of another species can feel like a step too far. Can you enrol the help of a trainer or if the breeder is nearby would they help? Please don't feel bad about going back on the tablets. Depression can be such a physical illness. I've had it for most of my life and been taking drugs for about half of it. I derive a huge pleasure from keeping dogs. Puppies are quite tiresome. With the right support you will be with a friend for life.

[insan1tyscartching]

I had terrible PND and was hospitalised because of it. I found Eric's first few weeks awful too. It did feel like I'd suddenly acquired a baby and I felt really down at times.We persevered mostly because everyone would have been heartbroken rather than any bond on my part if I'm honest. It did get better although I had a blip when he went through the adolescent stage but from him being a year old he has been a joy and I love him and don't tell the others he is definitely my dog. I won't evr have another puppy though any other dogs we have will be rescued adult dogs.

[Hoppinggreen]

Apologies for typos - house full of noisy distracting kids!!

[Hoppinggreen]

I suffer from mild unmediated depression but hen we got our GR pup last January I kind of fell into a bit of a black hole. I had them as a child and as my home life was crap at times they kind of helped me through so I think I had unrealistic expectations based on long ago childhood memories.
I seriously thought about rehomng him no if the breeder hadn't been crap I math have sent him back there to be honest.
He's 8 months now and very good and I love him to bits but there's no guarantee you WILL feel able to cope with yours - I do most days but still have a few wobbles. Puppies are bloody hard even if you aren't already suffering with MH issues me I know w few people who had " puppy blues"
If you CAN find a good home for him there's no shame in it.

[lukasgrahamfan]

I can sympathise. Whilst it not being a PND problem I suffer from stress and have to keep life on an even keel and manage it by not taking on too much for too long.

So I have tried having a puppy in the past but found myself feeling like you do, quite panicked and not enjoying the process, hating myself for resenting the pup and not being able to walk it. And having evenings where I could not relax as pup wanted to play. [But I had no real support or help or respite at the time]. Rehomed the pup to a lovely household with another dog and a huge garden...she ran off with her new friend and didn't look back.

When the situation means poor sleep, little sleep, exhaustion and worry there is not enough joy to compensate the price to pay when dealing with a puppy and all the demands.

I love dogs but would only get an older chilled dog with a sound temperament to cut out a lot of stress. I have done so successfully in the past after being very careful the dogs energy and mine matched, and had just a few days of adjustments rather than months.

Just my take on how it can affect different people in different ways. We are all different and I wish more people would acknowledge that and not judge. If I were you I would return the pup and he will find a new home easily. Do not feel bad about it, too many people soldier on not convinced their dog really 'fits', in situations which may not be the best one for the dog anyway.

[AlcoChocs]

Goldies stay puppies for a long time and tend to be very boisterous for the first year. Easier to manage a small pup than a larger 6 month old leaping about and chewing everything.
Returning sooner rather than later would be better for the pup as still cute and trainable.

[Floralnomad]

I think if I were you I'd get him back to the breeder now , I know some people find puppies hard , but if after a week your only concern is how people would judge you then possibly a dog ( or this dog) is not for you . Who actually wanted the dog originally was it your idea or was it other family members ?

[SausageDogGeorge]

Hi, sorry to hear you're struggling. We got a puppy 12 weeks ago (he's 4.5 months old now) and I found it incredibly hard work for the first 2 months, and still do to an extent. I imagined that it would be wonderful having a cute puppy around, sitting at my feet and happily cosying up while we watched TV on an evening......how wrong i was!! The reality is so different; he chews and bites everything; he's wrecked so many of my clothes, i've cried out of sheer exhaustion on many occasions and I sometimes wish we hadn't got him. He has caused rows between me and my DP and i definitely resent the loss of freedom that getting him has caused - i feel awful saying these things because he is lovely and when he's being good he's great - but i think, with hindsight, we shouldn't have got him.

I too thought that I had planned everything and really thought about what we were getting ourselves into but I don't think i fully understood how much hard work he would be. I'd never had a dog before so didn't fully realise what they were like as puppies.

If he is causing you to be unwell, i would actually send him back - it doesn't matter what people think - pretend you had an allergy to him if it helps? All the best

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Thanks again for the advice.

We are trying to follow the schedule in the 'perfect Puppy' book, to reasonable success. He does most of his business outside, goes through the night until 6.30 and apart from the mad bitey 10 minutes every now and then he's little trouble.

It's the fact that I still have these negative feelings that concerns me but it sounds like it's not untypical.

[Costacoffeeplease]

I would return the puppy now, while he's young enough to go to another home quickly - if you still feel like this in a couple of months it will be more difficult for him

[Shizzlestix]

The puppy blues are well known. I resented mine for the first six weeks, I'd say. It caused rows between me and the DH, there were tears and that horrible feeling of dread hanging over me. I look back and realise it was because I wasn't ready and the DH and I had different training methods, not something I'd considered, really.

You DO have choices: return the dog-how will that make you feel? Or carry on and it will probably all come together IF a strict routine is put in place for the puppy and responsibility is shared. You should not have to shoulder all responsibility for a dog.

[BetweenTwoLungs]

Give it some time - I felt awful when we got our dog, very much a 'what on earth have we done' type feeling as puppies are so full on and limiting in many ways. But puppies grow very very quickly and worst case scenario and things still don't feel great, your breeder would be able to rehome a dog just as easily in a few months.

Have you signed up for some puppy training classes? The social aspect of those really helped for me.

[davos]

I do think puppies can make you feel overwhelmed.

I said to dh last night 'it's just like having another newborn' and he agreed.

Some of this maybe that it's reminding you of the newborn stages, when you had pnd and that's what's triggering it.

I can't tell what's right for you. I am not you and don't know how bad you are feeling. My feelings is that I made a commitment to the puppy and have to try and get through it. I owe her that. But that's not a judgment on you. Because we are all different and depression effects us all differently.

I do tend to think of our dogs as another child though. Some people may say that isn't healthy.