15 year old - worried

[gonnabehappy]

Hi

My son is nearly 16 and currently doing his GCSEs. He is a bright lad and was heading towards a clear round of A*.

Life has gone downhill rapidly over the last few months and last week I found texts and proved he was using weed. He is also smoking, pinching money from me and stealing my prescription drugs (anti depressants and beta blockers). The evening of the row he swore and pushed me around, and had a physical fight with his dad when his dad stopped him pushing me around. Anyway to cut a long story short he is grounded, for two months but can be 'released' after a month if he demonstrates a certain amount of respect. He is also being stopped one months allowance.

Since this he has understandably shut himself off more and more from us. He no longer comes downstairs unless it is to grab food (sometimes he will eat meals with us as well). He is very very depressed - perhaps withdrawal; I don't think so I don't think he had a long enough, heavy enough habit.

This morning he pointed out that he had no incentive to clear his room (it stinks!) as he was not allowed out anyway. He also told me that I was making things worse and he did not think excluding him from his friends was likely to produce the kind of behaviour we are seeking. He left for school very tearful and angry.

So now what?

[gonnabehappy]

OK I think I am going to continue to cut off access to money - do not see why we should pay for this.

I think the 'we' is part of the problem...

My husband is pretty authoritarian - believes parents should be respected because they are adults and that children should do what they say. He has also never smoked anything, nor does he drink so very straight.

OTOH husband is happy to allow 12 year old to play violent games/watch violent films etc - this is the 12 year old who broke his hand punching wall and secretly bought a bebe gun from a friend. Anything I say with son number two is undermined - even if husband agrees he will forget when I walk out of the door.

I am uncertain about how we tackle this consistently as a couple. For the first time since husband came back I wonder if I would have been better manging boys alone...I am dreading husband undermining me or being too strict, of even physical with son number one tonight.

[GardenPath]

Hmmm...sounds as if, and sounds as if you think, your husband is part of the trouble - if not all of it.

You're not tackling this consistently as a couple - seems as if you're having as much trouble with DH as with your son.
For starters, I think it's commonly held these days that respect is, for the most part, earned; in your third para your hubbie sounds almost Victorian. Young bull, old bull - hubbie may react similarly to your younger son when he hits 16. Currently, he's 12 so no threat. Alternatively, don't know how you two are getting on, but perhaps, (if he favours the younger?), he may see the elder as 'yours' and resent him/pick on him if things aren't good between the pair of you - and to annoy you or to say 'I'm in charge'(?).
hmm...I think hubbie is the trouble - you have three children. I had a husband once; he was away one entire very snowy winter; I was 24 with four tiny children and a smallholding to run (his idea), cow to milk, pigs to muck out, baby to breastfeed. He was incompetent and left things in a muddle, bills not paid etc, not to mention no fuel supply (wood chopped). By the time he came back I'd more or less sorted it. Struggled, but sorted. He promptly f**ked it all up again. I divorced him not long after and then he died - which wasn't my fault.
I am yet to be convinced this marriage thing is the way forward. There's still so many questions....and do we have to marry men?

[pronobonino]

Hi Gonna, no words of advice but just very best wishes, he sounds like a very decent chap who will find his way again. Good luck with following advice on here.

From a frustrated Mum of a teenager

[cananybodyhelp]

Hi gbh, I'm coming from a different perspective here to most of the other posters as have recently separated from my partner who developed a drug habit around the same age as your son (he's 37 now). You can search my posts if you like for some limited background.

I would be seriously worried about this, and think the prescription drugs disappearing is a major red flag.

Yes, experimenting with pot is a rite of passage to an extent, but I wouldn't consider the prescription drugs to be a normal port of call for a boy of this age...can I ask if they are opiate based?

I've seen my xp go through horrible (probably psychotic in retrospect) periods when he used to smoke cannabis - it just doesn't mix well with some people. He has certainly suffered psychiatric consequences as a result of his drug use.

I think in your shoes I'd get some advice (FRANK?) about how to help him see there are better options in life than drugs.

[tatt]

when I was at school many people used drugs. Some are now psychotic. My children have seen one example close up and it scareed them. If they are using weed its well hidden but I suspect its put them off. Telling doesn't work but if you know someone that can show them it might.

I believe very strongly in keeping teens busy, especially with something physical. If there is a sport they like great, if not make them walk to the shops with you/ walk to school/ do keep fit before they are given any cash. They will sleep better, be less depressed and have less need for drugs. Does he have a job, if not it would reduce the time he has to get into trouble and encourage responsibility.

If you are cutting off money then please hide anything valuable. You say your son has stolen from you before and you can expect it to happen again.

As for your husband - I would make it clear to him that anything physical means he will be shown the door. He is an adult and adults show teenagers a better example of how to manage anger than hitting out.

[gonnabehappy]

Lots to think about. Talked to son about cigs etc again but was very careful not to ask him for any promises we all know he won't keep! He has offered some promises e.g. not touching my stuff (not opiates but betablockers and antidepressants) and to do no weed until he has finished GCSEs. Husband not happy with this as compromise but all in all not too argumentative on the part of any of us!

Husband is a prob, at least our relationship is. Long story but it is what it is and we have three lovely boys to care for that we both adore on the whole. He does favour middle lad - they are both sporty - I need to think about this.

Physical activity is sorely lacking for eldest lad, I think he has rejected sport partly as part of rejecting the dad and middle lad clique. It is funny you should write about this though! While we were talking last night I wondered about offering a gym membership to eldest as some sort of bribe/activity that would be just for him. I didn't because it felt as though it would be more pressure in the context of that conversation (and not sure I can afford it) but I will think that through seriously.

Thanks everyone - it is good to read different stories while I am thinking!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

And though it might seem extreme, if he turns physical again or steals, you can threaten or actually bring in the police. Do they still give a talking-to to teenagers about the consequences of getting into crime?

OP, from what you say I am a bit worried that your DH is fostering the "physical" side of arguments. How physical did the scuffle get between them the other day? Did anyone get hurt? And who started it?

Have you talked to your husband about the issues with both your sons? While the younger one is obviously more under control than the elder, he needs to see that your home life is creating 2 angry boys who are willing to lash out at others including their own parents.

[tatt]

how about karate or something similar for eldest lad? May seem wierd to suggest more "violence" but most martial arts place a very heavy emphasis on control of your emotions as well as your body. If you can find an activity his dad/middle son don't do perhaps he'd like it.

If his school offer/ you can interest him in a DofE award he'd have to do some physical activity for it.

[gonnabehappy]

Would love to get him doing a martial art - I agree with everything you have said. He is pretty vain so maybe gym to start with if I can find some pennies!

Husband not overtly physical with boys at all. Son started it very definitely by pushing me around (for which he is deeply and truly sorry). Husband made every attempt just to restrain. Son lost the plot and hurt husband, son got a single bruise from husband which I thought was pretty good of husband considering they were wrestling on floor of a small bedroom for about 15 mins.

There has been a lot of damage done to their relationships with their dad over the past two years, between our selves well, we are pretty amicable. Husband does have some rebuilding to do but in my judgement that is best achieved by being there for boys whatever whenever and he is certainly achieving that. On the other hand it might well be time to chat to oldest again about how he feels. Need to create an opportunity. I do wish he would walk the dog with me!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Did your DH do something that would make your son feel angry e.g. cheat on you?

Have you thought about whole family therapy? No experience of it, but sounds like repairwork is needed for all of your sakes.

Wrestling for 15 minutes is just mind-boggling to me - is this kind of thing commonplace with parents and their teenagers? Why didn't his dad walk away/shut him in his room?

[tatt]

if a boy gets violent then 15 minutes trying to restrain them doesn't sound excessive and it can be pretty hard to shut a teenager in their room.

[gonnabehappy]

Impossible to shut a fit, strong, angry, with testosterone racing, teenage boy anywhere I should think.

Yes, husband did make son angry and we are all doing whatever we can to repair things (and yes there has been counseling for youngsters (as well as oldsters) along the way.

We live in a very well to do middle class area where there are a lot of young people with a lot of disposable income. Drug taking is rife. I had two concerns; making it clear it was not acceptable (and pointing out possible dangers of escalation) and second the lack of respect shown here at home.

The latter needs most work I think but it has to be mutual respect not railroading.

The balancing act of trying to be a good parent continues....!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

God it sounds hard. Why does your husband say he rufuses to back you up with your sons, elder especially? Agree with posters above WRT exercise. Would be cautious re: gyms though, watch out for steroid use . Is he into anything more creative - drama or art or music? Could be a good way to get some of his emotions out, if he joined a drama group/band/something. Extra-curricular stuff was a lifeline for me and my teenage years weren't even notably "difficult".

[supersec]

Do you know how long he's been using it for gonnabehappy and also how often?

I have recently posted on here too about my son's cannabis use. It all came to a head when he was excluded for smoking it in school a couple of months ago.

The only reason he isn't smoking it at the moment is he doesn't have access to one penny. He has a bus ticket for school every week and that's it (although this has only been in place for 2 weeks so it's early days)

Everything seemed to be okay for a month after he was excluded until his girlfriend finished with him. He had only been seeing her for a few months, in fact, he mostly texted her, and this sent him off the rails again. He was found truanting by the Police and even when he was caught he did it again the next day! I know he smoked cannabis on these days and that is why his paper round and all money had to be stopped. There is even a dealer in school.

It is true that cannabis is everywhere and a lot of teens use it but if it gets a grip it can wreck their lives. I think a lot can use it socially without it affecting their education, relationship with parents etc but I have been informed by a counselling agency that for around 10% it becomes a major problem.

I too always thought there had to be underlying problems for kids to take cannabis but now I'm not so sure. Mostly it's a peer pressure thing and if they get to like it and can obtain it easily then there is a chance they will get hooked.

The only way for us to go is zero tolerance as my son was (maybe is) heading for addiction - he is in the first year of his GCSEs and was predicted As and Bs. He is getting Ds and Es at the moment. When he was truanting/going into school 2 hours late he was hanging round with a completely different bunch of lads to his usual friends, who are just complete losers. I had to take him to school in a taxi last week to make sure he got there.

My son has been referred to a counselling agency for under 19s. It's his first appointment tonight. I think it's going to be a constant battle.

A good website I have found is talkingaboutcannabis.com. Some of the posts make for very grim reading but there are some good tips.

Someone replied to one of my posts once to say be careful not to "dehumanise" him by taking everything away. Believe me when you are living with a teenager who is throwing their life away through cannabis use and you are feeling sick with stress everyday and having violent nightmares because of it, you will do everything in your power to stop it.

It doesn't help that my son is a completely closed book and always has been. Not open with his emotions at all. We have talked to him about it and he said the reason he takes it is because it is a laugh. He realises the consequences aren't a laugh though which is good.

[gonnabehappy]

This is so scary

[supersec]

My son went to his counselling session (I didn't go in) and he reckons he won't be going again as it's for people who are addicted and he hasn't got a problem.

The counsellors don't work on the basis of telling them not to do it or say no otherwise they say young people wouldn't "engage" with them.

My son came out quite positive saying he wasn't going to let it affect his education and would never again smoke on school days. She just told him about the dangers and how to limit the damage. The agency tell me as long as he is hanging round with kids who smoke it then he probably will too.

I am very anti drugs and am even having trouble with the idea of him smoking it occasionally, socially.

My husband still wants to go down the zero tolerance route - he says he's not giving him a penny with the possibility of it lining drug dealer's pockets.

We have a 12 year old also so we can't be seen to condone it.

I think we'll just have to take it a day at a time.