Struggling with DD13 attitude

[LizzieCa]

There's so much advice out there about parenting, I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to look. DD turned 13 last October. Started her periods sometime last year when she was 12. It's like a switch has flicked in her brain.
She's never had issues at school before but now she's often late to class because she's chatting to her friends, and talks back to the teachers. Rolls her skirt up, makeup on every day.
Why do you let her wear makeup, I hear you ask? I'm struggling with her at home; she is often very defensive and angry and a single small issue explodes into full blown attitude and shouting- my husband and I try really hard not to shout back as we know this will only make matters worse, but sometimes it's the only way to make myself heard!
Arguments aren't even about anything in particular, it's the usual not tidying up, doing homework, tidying her room, putting her braces in, putting the ruddy phone down (I control her screen time also which was a trauma to instigate).
Case in point, which may have sent me to a mid-week glass of wine: I asked her to turn the tv down as I was talking to her dad. I asked three times until I have to walk towards her to make sure she acknowledges me, and I get "I'm doing it! What does it look like I'm doing right now?" Then of course I'm angry as I don't want to be spoken to like that, then I tell her that's not acceptable and she's being disrespectful, and then I get another defensive response and so on.
I'm just worried it's me and I need to somehow change the way I ask her things or talk to her. I feel really sad about it if I'm honest as I want to be able to talk to her.
Any advice, reading matter, podcast, anything gratefully received and sorry for the whinge. I do know how lucky I am to have her and her sister and I do count my blessings every day.

[IdaGlossop]

It's not you, OP! However you spoke to your daughter, it would be wrong. Well done for not shouting. It's really hard but you are setting a good example. Is your DD in year 8? My DD's school explained to me when we were having a few issues that year 8 can be the trickiest, especially for girls, as they are nolonger the youngest in the school and start to make friendships beyond their primary school group. This phase will pass, as all phases do when it comes to parenthood.

A few suggestions. We found deprivation of her phone was the only 'sanction' that really hit home is she got herself into a spiral of obnoxiousness. We did it without warning, rather than getting into pointless 'If you do x, goodbye phone' conversations. When my DD spoke to me in an unpleasant way, I used to calmly ask her to repeat what she had said, thinking carefully about her tone. Things do usually get better in Y10 and Y11 because if the seriousness if GCSEs, although I appreciate that's a way off.

[LizzieCa]

That's really helpful thank you! I'm liking the can you repeat what you said in a calm tone suggestion. Sounds similar- cycle of obnoxiousness. Good to know it does get better!

[IdaGlossop]

@LizzieCa so glad my calm tone suggestion is helpful. I hope it works for you. 'Now repeat what you've just said, paying attention to your tone' is preferable to 'Can you repeat...', which only provokes 'No, I can't' because 13 is smart arse age. DD changing her behaviour is much more effective than a mother lecture on disrespect. BTW chatting with you has made me realise how much I disliked it when my mum lectured me on the respect due to elders 🙄

[LizzieCa]

Haha yes you're right. Right I'm going to try this tonight and will report back...

[LizzieCa]

It actually worked! Well sort of. There was a meltdown last night over screen time. I practiced the 'can you repeat what you said more calmly' trick and kept doing that until she eventually burnt herself out and sat down all quiet. So far so good!

[IdaGlossop]

DD burnout is good! I hope this technique carries on working for you 😊

[Ponderingwindow]

Remember that your dd is biologically hardwired to be difficult this year. It is necessary for species diversity for children hitting puberty to feel an innate urge to pull away from their parents. It’s what allows them
to move to another social group, cave, village, town, etc. for the first time they are really thinking about a life away from their family.

yet here she is, still a child, very confused by these strange feelings, not just of sexual attraction, but of feeling less anchored than before.

you are still the parent and you are still in charge. You have to accept though that she is allowed to be grumpy. She is allowed to be angry. She doesn’t have to follow the rules with a smile.

its also time to be willing to hear reasonable arguments about why a particular rule should change or why a particular chore should be swapped for another. You don’t have to treat them like a partner, but they may have a good reason for asking for an adjustment to something and if they learn you will listen to reasonable requests, often a great degree of the adversarial teenage drama will drop back.

I love a good teenager negotiation these days. it’s how I know my daughter will be able to stand up for herself as an adult.

[fluffycloudalert]

My dd used to get a bit like this towards the end of every term. A few weeks at home helped with her attitude a lot, particularly the long summer holiday - she'd go back to being the person we know.

[LizzieCa]

@Ponderingwindow thank you. That's such good advice. I'm really glad I posted here. I was at my wits end the other night and thought I must be the worst parent ever. I think I also suffer from 'benchmarking' woes I.e. why is my child like this but my friend's child is so compliant? But that doesn't work, does it - we're all different in character.

[LizzieCa]

@fluffycloudalert thank you. You're right she does always act up a little more before holidays. She's been lovely today (Good Friday). I feel quite a lot better. In the end, I know it's a good thing that she's able to challenge authority. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. It's just hard being the parent of a boundary-pusher sometimes!

[Screamingabdabz]

Thank you for that considered post @Ponderingwindow people think teenagers are obnoxious and difficult when it’s just that they’re getting a mind of their own and are speaking it. It’s fine for parents to find this challenging but beating them into submission with threats of phone bans and talking to them angrily is not the answer if you want a good relationship with them going forward.

[junebirthdaygirl]

It's not unusual and it would be surprising if her friends were all very biddable always. Call her on her cheeky attitude..every time..so she knows you are not letting her away with it. But take as much opportunity as you can to have nice times with her. Don't bear grudges so as soon as an argument is over let it go and start afresh. It will end. So don't panic. Also pick your battles. Ry and have one or two non negotiable things like phobes/ answering back and ignore the rest as much as possible.

[fluffycloudalert]

@LizzieCa

@fluffycloudalert thank you. You're right she does always act up a little more before holidays. She's been lovely today (Good Friday). I feel quite a lot better. In the end, I know it's a good thing that she's able to challenge authority. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. It's just hard being the parent of a boundary-pusher sometimes!

Yes, I think the stroppy 'Kevin the Teenager' attitude of a lot of her friends seemed to rub off on her during term-time, and she'd turn into a bit of an arsehole. A few weeks of being away from them would turn her back into a human again.😂

[MumTeacherofMany]

OP my daughter is also year 8 (nearly 13) and omg it is tough! I've been worried sick about her moods & attitude lately.

[Losingtheplot2016]

I could have written your post!! My dd turned 13 in August so she's actually in yr 9 but it's exactly the same here. Her favourite teachers are all happy but the ones she doesn't like , know about it

I think she is trying to impress/ fit in and it takes its toll.

My daughter is also having a week long period every two weeks which we are going to change with medication

I'm really struggling with the behaviour and I think we have been in a power struggle. I'm taking encouragement that it is a phase. I take it all personally which doesn't help.

[ISaySteadyOn]

OP, I am really glad you posted. I have a 13 yo DD too and have been feeling like you. I feel better to know I am not alone.

The thing that I think is hard is that no matter how much you understand why teenagers are the way they are, their behaviour can still be absolutely infuriating.

I am reading a very useful book called Get Out of My Life...but first take me and Alex into town. I would highly recommend it.

[Letsseeshallwe]

@fluffycloudalert

Yes, I think the stroppy 'Kevin the Teenager' attitude of a lot of her friends seemed to rub off on her during term-time, and she'd turn into a bit of an arsehole. A few weeks of being away from them would turn her back into a human again.😂

And I'm sure her friends parents think the same.