14 year old son not keen to have friends over

[Ferniebrook]

Hi all,

I feel a bit ridiculous writing this, as it's maybe a bit trivial but it is bothering me. My son has a lovely group of friends and they sometimes go for sleepovers. One friend has a summerhouse so they love to go there, the other has a huge house so that is a win. We live in quite a small terrace but my son has his own attic room and a bathroom up there for him. He is reluctant to have his friends over and won't say why (he is a sensitive boy and if there is an issue probably wouldn't want to hurt my feelings). We are the only single parent family in the group and he is the only only child...Any advice on how to make the place more attractive for this? He enjoys spending time here with me and our dog and has a good social life, so lot's to be grateful for, but I'd really like him to be comfortable having friends over..

Any advice?? Thank you

[Bristolnewcomer]

It’s possible he just likes having home as a cosy space where he can be alone or hang out with you. Not everyone enjoys hosting.

[WandaWonder]

If he has an issue fine solve it, if not why push it? Some people just don't want too

[maudmadrigal]

I hope you'll get some better responses, and I hope I word this right, but I just want to say that it's not necessarily about the 'facilities' at your house.

Our house is a teenage kid paradise on paper - big, scruffy, close to town, full-on games set up in the garage with darts, fridge, table tennis etc. We're happy to stay out of the way and offer them food occasionally. Two of my three kids aren't at all keen on bringing friends over. DS's friends who've known him a long time love the set-up here, but he's still not keen. I think it's that he doesn't feel confident about being the host/instigator, but I'm not really sure. What I'm trying to say is that it's just as likely to be about your DS's role in the group (which I realise you may also feel concerned about, but is different to feeling like you're not providing an attractive enough place to hang out).

I think basically it sounds like your DS has a nice group of mates, a nice social life, and a nice home life, and you should try to take pride and solace in that because it's more important than where they hang out.

[Beamur]

@Bristolnewcomer

It’s possible he just likes having home as a cosy space where he can be alone or hang out with you. Not everyone enjoys hosting.

None of our 3 kids have been big on having friends over! Maybe it's us but I don't think so. They just value their home and the girls especially liked their space. Friends do come over - just not very often.

[ColinFuckingRobinson]

My teen DS is the same. He explains it as a discomfort with mixing groups that he sees as separate. Home is for relaxing and the people he socialises with don't belong there in his mind. He even feels uncomfortable mixing different friend groups together. He just likes to keep people in the place he's used to having them.

[Twoshoesnewshoes]

The summerhouse sounds good- I wonder if they can smoke/drink/random teenage stuff there and that’s kind of the point?
so nothing wrong at all with your house but it lacks the freedom?

[LouisaGuy]

Same here with our 14 year old. He prefers to game online and have simultaneous phone calls with friends. He will meet them outside for football etc. I think lockdown caused anxiety in him about meeting up. I have discussed it with him but not pushing it as I think gradually he is becoming more confident. I suggested having friends over but he was not keen. I think there are many boys in this age group who are unsure about having friends over and meeting up. Hope your son is doing well.

[Compash]

I was a sensitive teen and I hated the (perceived) pressure to host and make sure my friends were having a good time - I loved being able to relax and let other people host. It's sweet that he's sensitive and I don't think it's more complicated than that.

Full disclosure: I'm the same as an adult! 😉

[Beamur]

ColinFuckingRobinson
My DD is exactly the same.
Cool name!

[Pixiedust49]

In my experience teens don’t really hang around at each other’s houses much anymore. Especially boys. They tend to go out to places instead… football in the park etc

[2chocolateoranges]

I always preferred staying over at others houses rather than them staying at mine. Mum was a single parent and I hated keeping her awake and disrupting her quiet peaceful time with loads of people in the house, even as an adult I prefer to visit than be visited, means I can leave when I want.

Dd regularly had friends over but ds rarely had any friends in the house preferring to visit.

we are all different.

[unkownone]

My daughter doesn’t like her friends coming here…never has. To her this is her safe space where she can be herself. She’s almost 16 now, I’ve stopped asking lol.

[Ferniebrook]

you're right - thank you

[Ferniebrook]

Yeah my son games a lot with whatsapp group calls, they also go out quite a bit to cinema, swimming, park etc. And then to certain friend's houses sometimes. I am a worrier but this thread has made me realise this isn't something to worry about..maybe he just doesn't want the hassle. I have friends over sometimes, but not every week or anything. So maybe this is just our space to chill...

[Ferniebrook]

I know the parents and they are definitely not smoking and drinking etc. But they do have the independence of being in a separate 'building' which must be nice

[philosoppee]

Sounds like you have a cosy, happy set-up with your son that he values as his personal space with you. That's so nice, I really don't think you have a thing to worry about.

[NeedToChangeName]

My DS prefers to visit friends, partly cos he's nosy and likes to see their houses but mostly so he can leave when he wants

[Topseyt123]

You probably don't need to do anything. Maybe he just likes to keep his home life and his friends/social life separate. If he's happy that way then just leave him be

I was very much like that as a child and still can be now that I am in my fifties.

[Jane1978xx]

I am the opposite and all my daughters friends stay at our house as they all have small bedrooms or share with siblings etc. As long as he has a nice group of friends and everyone is happy then I think it is fine. If you feel like the other parents are always the ones providing food etc you could offer to take him and his friends to the cinema or out for food rather than to your house

[Ferniebrook]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I try to make sure he pays his way. I've offered to pay for them all to go for a meal on his birthday, he is not keen on being 'taken' anywhere with friends. He is happy and has nice friends, I know what good fortune that is!