Struggling with DD15 moods and attitude

[Bloomingweeds]

We moved house recently and my dd15 decided to stay in the same school - GCSE’s upcoming and she has a good friendship group, so naturally we wanted to keep as much the same as possible. I’m finding it really difficult doing the school run from our new home as it’s a 40 minute drive (20 minute by motorway but I have a fear of driving on them). There isn’t any transport links connecting us and a train would be 2.5 hour journey into London then back again.
This has made DD feel isolated as she can’t go and see her friends as easily anymore. I feel enormous guilt. She knew this would be the case if we went ahead with the move and assumed it would be give and take with her friends. They outright refuse to come here, so I have to drive her to their houses and I’m beginning to struggle. We’re low on money from the move so the constant fuel use travelling everywhere is getting me down, plus I hate driving in general so doing that long journey x4 a day plus weekend socialising is stressful. I had car trouble last week and sent her to school by Uber which cost a staggering £40. She asked to walk half way next time, I refused as it would take hours and along a dangerous road where anything can happen. Her reply was that she doesn't care if anything happens to her as long as shes away from me.
I haven’t expressed any of my annoyance to DD and I encourage her to make plans to avoid isolation. I have refused on several occasions for genuine reasons (waiting for repair man and the likes) and I was met with disgust and anger that I couldn’t drop everything and take her wherever she wanted. Whatever I do it doesn’t seem to be enough. The constant attitude and anger directed at me is piling up, I have other children to think of too but whatever I do Im met with ungrateful, rude comments and I’ve told her I won’t be driving her anywhere again. I’m hoping staying home being bored and having no where to go for some of the Easter break will make her realise she needs to be respectful and grateful, but I’m worried about her mental health. Shes showing signs of hating my guts, i dont know what ive done to cause it. shes absolutely fine with her stepdad. I know at that age it’s all about friends and boys, but she is obsessed with being with them 24/7 and she’s very moody if she can’t see them for whatever reason.
She has no interest in us as her family and ignores her siblings. I know it’s typical teenage behaviour, but she wasn’t this bad prior to the move. I have tried talking to her but I get rude comments and told to leave her alone. I don’t know what more I can do. We can’t uproot and move house again.
Any advice please?

[456pickupsticks]

Find a couple of local clubs or activities for kids her age so she can make some new local friends - Rangers, sports clubs, hobbie clubs etc.

Stop giving into demands for lifts - maybe set a limit of school runs plus twice a month or something? Encourage her to make immediate after school plans with her friends, so you picking her up later isn't adding journeys, just moving them later. Get a joint calendar on the go, and once she's confirmed her plans and asked for a lift, they go on their so you're all aware.
You've chosen this move, she's at a crucial point in her education and realistically you have uprooted her entire life, so taking away all her lifts and access to her friends isn't exactly fair - how would you feel if your partner had done this? A big part of the answer to the lifts issue is you getting over your fear of driving on the motorway and cutting your journey time in half.

Of course her friends refuse to travel to you regularly, you're hugely far away on public transport and there's probably more of them then just her, and the cost of a group of 15 year olds travelling 2.5 hours isn't really worth it. Unless you're inviting them specifically for something, then they'll be wanting to hang out in the area they know, doing things they usually do.

This is a huge change for her, and tbh you need to have a bit of grace about it! Maybe you could plan a couple of quality time type days out over the Easter break to reconnect?

[BusterGonad]

It seems that you've uprooted her, and made promises you cannot keep. One thing you can do is get over the fear of the motorway. Honestly why did you move if you cannot handle a motorway? I'm sorry but it makes you sound a bit silly. I had motorway fear but to earn money I had to get over it and grow some balls.

[kalokagathos]

@BusterGonad

It seems that you've uprooted her, and made promises you cannot keep. One thing you can do is get over the fear of the motorway. Honestly why did you move if you cannot handle a motorway? I'm sorry but it makes you sound a bit silly. I had motorway fear but to earn money I had to get over it and grow some balls.

This. When I moved to Kent from London I only passed my drivers licence 2 months prior and had to face the motorways immediately whether I liked it or not. I drove with a bum twitch for over a year as a compensation for uprooting my family. Now, I am glad to say, I'm a pro. If you want your daughter to suck it up, you also need to. I did.

[Smartiepants79]

Your choices (for what ever reason) have made her life a lot harder.
Sadly I fear it’s unlikely that these friendships will outlast this move. With the best will in the world I would not be driving my DD 40mins on a regular basis to visit a friend who had moved that far away.
Will she be moving schools for sixth form. I can’t really see what’ve set up as being sustainable.
Also, yes, practice your motorway driving!

[TwilightSkies]

I’m finding it really difficult doing the school run from our new home as it’s a 40 minute drive (20 minute by motorway but I have a fear of driving on them)

Didn’t you take this in to consideration when deciding to move?

[popofyellow]

At her age her friends and social life are everything and you've essentially kiboshed that for her. Of course she's going to be bloody angry!

You now need to live with your choices and work out how you can support her to maintain her friendships or make new ones.

[popofyellow]

And sort out your bloody motorway driving.

[Aquamarine1029]

Why would you have moved to where you did when you knew you can't handle the motorway? You made assurances to your daughter and have now backtracked. Of course she's upset. You've uprooted her at a very challenging time of her life. I don't think you thought this through.

[Daffodildreams40]

In sorry to say that I would have behaved the same way as she is now. That doesn't make it right, but you have completely isolated her in what is usually the most social time of a young teens life.
She will feel like she is missing out on everything as her friends will be getting together a lot without her as it's just not possible for her to be there all the time .
This is on you I'm afraid. You really need to give her the lifts as often as you can otherwise the friendships are going to slip and then she will be even more isolated. At the moment she is completely reliant on you for this

[waterrat]

She needs really to move schools surely

[Member786488]

Another one saying you need to accommodate her very natural anger at her situation. Whilst you may have had to move her so far away from her friendship group at an always difficult time in a teens life, (and during GCSE year!?) I’m not at all surprised she’s taking it out on you.

I think you have to wait it out, she should make more local friends in time, but until then I personally would just ignore her attitude and be as sympathetic as possible. Parents of teens have to learn to walk away from confrontation as it is - when you’re largely the cause of it, even more so. Of course shes moody and ungrateful…

If I were you to be honest I’d try some love bombing. Treats, and time out shopping with you, and proper adult conversations about the reasons why you had to make the move when you did might help. If she can honestly see that you appreciate her position and respect her situation then the relationship might improve.
She’s no longer a child but equally has no power over anything. Feeling powerless and dependent at a time when you’re trying to grow your independence must be so frustrating.

I sympathise with your situation but it is up to you to make the move as painless as possible for her.

[Littlefish]

If she's in year 11, then it's only another term until she finishes her GCSEs. That's a maximum of 3.5 months.

I think you need to just get on with it. Have some motorway driving lessons to build your confidence and do all the journeys with good Grace.

She didn't have any choice about moving. You've taken her away from her friends at a really crucial time.

[Flyhigher]

It's difficult. But have to agree. You moved her a crucial time. Which not wait until a levels.

[Flyhigher]

Not sure why you'd move her in her gsce year.

[KevinDeBrioche]

I can’t believe you moved her at 15. Of course this is the response!! Why on earth did you move?

[Moveoverdarlin]

The Easter holidays will not make her realise she should be more grateful, they’ll make her think ‘Why the fuck did my Mum move so far away from my school and friends a year before my GCSEs?

[Menomeno]

Maybe book some motorway lessons and do it a few times with an instructor?

[Flyhigher]

Book motorway lessons. See if other people can help you. I'm sorry it's hard.