Dealing with twins with very different outlooks on life

[CurlyTop1980]

Morning, I'm not sure this is the right title. But I am looking for advice. I have 4 children. 2 older teens who basically just got on with life. Didn't make a huge fuss over anything. So I know I had a relatively easy teenage transition with them. They both played and still do play team sports. Etc.

Now I have 13 year old twin girls. They are the youngest alongside a 7 year old niece that I share custody with her dad (long story).

One of the twins plays a team sport at a high level, gets on with school work. Has a calm character easy to speak too,listens (most of the time). The other one is wild. I really struggle with her. She is obstinate, refuses to do anything we ask of her,takes an age to complete any homework. She hits her cousin and sister. She throws all mighty tantrums which result in her room being trashed. She also has clubs and sometimes she completely refuses to attend and then moans when she falls behind. I always respond to her behaviour and reiterate that I love her. She hates this and says that I treat her twin sister differently and I don't love her. But her twin is better behaved. She had her moments but nothing like her twins sister. They get on very well though and have the same friends.

I find everyday totally exhausting with her. Anything seems to trigger her off and she shouts and screams at me. DH tends to go with the other twin to her training/matches as he can't cope with her. It's causing issues with my niece as her dad looks for any excuse to try and criticise me.

Has anyone experienced this and have any words of wisdom.

[HappyAsASandboy]

I have a similar situation. My twins are my eldest children (early teens) - one is calm, relaxed, mostly responsible re school work bs gaming etc, and one is .... erm .... spirited?! We're waiting for an ASD assessment (though could also be ADHD) but it's a long wait.

My spirited child is convinced I love one of her younger brothers more than the rest of them. Consequently she is mean to him whenever she can be, snide comments everywhere and continually telling me I love him more than her/the other children. She's very wrong - I love them all. When she is mean to her younger brother, I defend him, which reinforces her belief that I love him more because I'm defending him and telling her off for being mean.

It's really really hard. On all of you. It's hard on you because you bear the brunt of it, hard on the siblings (and niece, for you) because they're living with her behaviour/limitations/parental adaptations, and also hard on the DC in question too. This behaviour is communication - they're unhappy/anxious/low self-esteem/depressed/Insert Any Other Big Emotion Here.

So tough on everyone. And very little help or understanding from outsiders (if your DC is anything like line she's perfectly behaved at school/friends houses?).

I don't have any answers, just to say that you're not alone.

[Octavia64]

Sounds difficult.

I have twins.

One is AuDHD and one is not.

They need very different parenting.

Have you looked into possible causes of her behaviour? It can be driven by trauma (bullying, sexual assault) or neurodiversity.

[WhereIsBebèsChambre]

How old is your neice and when did she come to you? Could this br impacting her?
Bit rude of her dad to judge you in the parenting of your neice!

[CurlyTop1980]

Thanks! Yes spirited is a good word to describe het as. Today she has been absolutely delightful.

I don't think it's to do with my niece. We've had her since she was about 12 weeks old. So they were quite young then anyway.

I don't believe she has ASD. Just a wilful character. Which TBH I actually love. But it's exhausting!

[CurlyTop1980]

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

How old is your neice and when did she come to you? Could this br impacting her?
Bit rude of her dad to judge you in the parenting of your neice!

Thanks. It's been harder recently as he's been allowed more contact with her.