Year 11 , struggling still

[mumofblu]

I don't know I'm asking for , maybe someone has felt this way and got advice ?
16 year old is preparing for GCSE , studying hard , wanting to do well . Has aspirations. School v positive about her , everything going well at home .

She's struggled finding her tribe in school (has a few lifetime friends outside of school ).
She's tried hard to fit in , even with those you wouldn't want your kid to hang around ( drugs , not attending school etc ) , we've done what we can and she's generally a great kid . She's getting very upset at missing out.

Yesterday she came home beaming , said she'd been invited to a meet up nearby on park on Friday . Asked if she could go . She's 16 so I said yes ofc . Know some of others going . Then sleep over .
I was really happy , she's sensible and wants to have fun .

An hour later she said the boy who invited her ( not boyfriend ) had said that some girls had said they wouldn't come if our daughter went , there was trouble in year 8/9 involving a boyfriend and another girl but apart from that nothing I'm aware of .

I sympathised , told her that soon she wouldn't be at this school ( going to college ) and shame on the others behaving like junior pupils in a playground spat . She cheered up a bit but I could hear her sobbing in her room .

I know I can't take it away but any wise words from anyone who knows this feeling from experience

mumofblu
No real advice to give, just wanted to say I know your pain.

DD16 took a long time to find her "tribe" and I used to feel so upset for her when she was going through this.

I'm sure your DD will make some nicer friends at college. A fresh start.

Hang in there.
You're only as happy as your unhappiest child is so true.

Thankyou x

The academic year is coming to an end in May/ June.
She needs to focus on getting her GCSES and going to sixth form/ college In September where she will meet new people.
In addition, she can take up a hobby outside school where she will meet others her age.

@MonkeyTennis34 thankyou I was thinking of that happy quote and I certainly know it's true

@Lampzade
I'm thinking all of this , just hanging on .
She's done lots of clubs was a guide before it closed after covid , does football training every week , has a job but is youngest there and martial arts . It's just trying to fit in at school . She feels she has missed out on normal 14-16 year opportunities.

It's hard for sure

my daughter is the same- highly motivated at school, keeps her head down as she hates all the ‘banter’ and thankfully has people to hang out with at lunch/dinner but not her tribe. She is lonely but we try to plan things as a family to keep her spirits up and talk positively about the future. She is looking forwards to a new start at college where hopefully there will be more ‘academic’ types who share her interests.
we are counting down the days!
hang in there, you aren’t alone x

@MissSunshine80
Thankyou it's so hard isn't , my Dd has tried to fit in by being who she isn't . She studies hard , does well , but it's an independent life outside of school she wants but doesn't have . She had a boy who picked her up and put her down and was v abusive for 2 years ( I don't say that lightly , police were and are involved ) so her self esteem is affected .
I spend my time sending positive quotes and memes and watching for signs of self harm emerging .

I know it sounds crazy but have you tried to ‘back off’ a little. My daughter was worse when I asked her each day how she’d been and who she’d spoken to. I now try and presume she’s had an ok day and try not to ask all those probing questions. She is quite good at seeking me out if she needs a rant and me backing off almost took some of the pressure off her.

@MissSunshine80
I agree , I avoid "probing questions " I ask her what was for dinner , was it nice , any favourite lessons and teach me .

I only know that she's upset by hearing her crying or her telling me she can't go on .

It's really hard

This appears to be all too common. My dd who is going on 14 does hang around with a tribe but all have been picked on in some way due to their neurodivergent personalities. I was the exact time and remember wandering school corridors on my own to fill in time. At university I made an extra special effort by introducing myself to everyone, smiling, looking confident as there was no one from my old school around. It worked for me and still have those friends today in my 50s. College will give her a new start but she will need to be brave and introduce herself. It’s important for her to know who she is herself in terms of likes/dislikes. Joining a drama club did me the world of good - another suggestion!