Bed wetting etiquette

[Beetlewings]

DSS (almost 15) lives with us 50% of the time, I have 2 DCs (both preteens) all happy all normal family life.
My issue is DSS is a bedwetter. That in itself has long been regarded as 'just one of those things'. He never really grew out of it.
He is under the doctor for it and has tablets (he forgets to take) and a sleep regime of no liquids after 9 (which he forgets to follow).
The sticking point is that he will not take care of his own wet bedding. He sleeps heavily and in the morning the odour coming from his room is eye watering. He just gets up, calls for his dad, gets in the shower. DP (bless him) gets up without a word and takes his wet clothes, strips his bedding, and launders the whole lot.
AIBU to think at 14 you take some personal responsibility to try and prevent it happening, or at the very least if it does, you strip your own bed, open the windows, clean up and bung the stuff on a hot wash?
I have suggested a little bit of levelling up on his part but DP says he doesn't mind doing it for him, he feels sorry for him, and he doesn't want to turn it into a big deal. I say it'd be less of a big deal if he just cleaned it up himself.

Would you be taking the same stance if it was your own dc, or is it just because it is your dss?

I think you are being a little harsh.

If I had to do the bed striping, washing etc I'd definitely be asking my child/stepchild to help at that age.

But it's your partners son and your partner is doing the work so I'd just stay out of it.

I agree with this.

I have thought about this. I do appreciate my children have been raised to be a bit more self sufficient but that's because there are two of them and I'm from a big family where we all mucked in. (That's a different subject) Different families raise different kids. I'm not knocking that. We also acknowledge the fact DSS has always been an only child, and he's made some adjustments (as we all have) to get on in our family situation. All the kids get on well. I just think it will be a shock to him when he gets a bit older and can't do simple self care tasks.

I was a bedwetter until I was this age or older . Not every night but fairly regularly.
I can assure you the embarrassment and shame was awful. My Mum was kind and never made me feel guilty about it.
Let your husband manage it ,his way.

My DP’s child has been treated for this, and they were advised that the DC should be changing the wet bed, as part of the treatment plan. They do follow the plan given and it has worked.

Your DP needs to enforce the advice and be strict about the tablets/rules, as this is something that needs to be stopped now before it affects his child’s adult life.

in the meantime. He could make the bed up in layers with waterproof sheets so he just needs to take the top layer off and stick it on the washing machine.

@Beetlewings I was still changing my children's beds when they were 15/16, they are now 18 and 21 and are more than capable of changing them themselves.
Don't think he will be incapable of self care just because he won't/can't do it at 14.

you aren't being harsh. if he has to change his own bedding he may take more responsibility and remember his meds and not the no liquid rule.

Did you just stop naturally or did you have help with tablets etc? My DS15 still is and I dont know what to do about it. He is to embarassed to go to the gp now he is older.

I think I would leave his dad to deal with it. If he calls dad immediately and it is dealt with as soon as he would have dealt with it himself I think I'd let it go. Poor kid. I would also ask that the meds and no fluids after 9 are enforced a bit more though

I assume he has been tested for diabetes?

You need to take responsibility and deal with this. If he’s embarrassed, try one of the alarms, you can buy from Amazon. But don’t leave it, it’s so important

Thankyou, that's good advice

DP says he doesn't mind doing it for him, he feels sorry for him, and he doesn't want to turn it into a big deal. I say it'd be less of a big deal if he just cleaned it up himself.

It doesn't sound like there's anything for you to deal with here, it seems like they have an arrangement and it's working for both of them. When it's you that's being expected to deal with it, then you can weigh in. You may have fears for your DSS future abilities, your DH clearly doesn't so they're yours to think about internally, not to inject into this situation.

Yes, no diabetes. Thankfully

At his age I think it is entirely reasonable to expect him to take some responsibility for his own health issue and take his medication and avoid drinking after 9pm. This can’t be at all nice for him, it must be uncomfortable to physically sleep in wet sheets and embarrassing. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t be taking all the steps to avoid it. Is he the same at his mum’s house?

You're so right, it is being managed between them, his mum is also great

Ask your GP for a referral to the continence clinic. They are very good and have a range of things to try to help your DS become dry at night.

My 15year old has never been dry at night and wears incontinence pants. He is autistic though and I'm told it's very common amongst ND children/teens.

One of my brother wet the bed into his late teens, I never really clicked he did this until much later as mum did a great job of protecting his dignity and privacy around it all.

Sounds like your dh is doing a great job with his ds, and he should keep in close contact with your dss's mum so they are being consistent with their approach. Probably one you should keep out of and let your dh get on with it.

I also think when you have younger children you don't really know how you will handle difficult issues with them as teens until you are actually there and living it. Teens can be a bit of a minefield and what works for one teen can be very nuanced and won't necessarily always work for another.