17 year old driving us apart

[QuickBiscuit]

I have a 17-year-old at home, he will be 18 in May. My wife and I informally adopted him from my wife’s sister who failed miserably at parenting. Social services advised us that if he we didn’t take him he would end up in foster care. It was an easy choice for us as we were already looking after him a lot. He has been with us from age 6. Over the last few years his behaviour has deteriorated and he has gotten into smoking weed, stealing money, general dishonesty, lying etc. He has been fired from 2 jobs for stealing and missing shifts. A lot of his behaviour is typical teenager – lying in bed playing on his xbox, exteme laziness etc. On the spectrum of teenage behaviour he’s definitely at he more immature end.
The challenge I have is how my wife is dealing with this. While I recognize that his behaviour needs to change, I can put some of it down to him being a teenager, and even more of his challenging behaviour down to the poor relationship he had with his birth mother (Wife’s sister) before we took him in. My wife thinks that his behaviour is 100% his fault and is threatening to throw him out of the house as soon as he’s 18, unless he can hold down a job. Her relationship with him is toxic and having a very negative effect on our marriage.
I don’t really have anyone else to turn to right now, so I guess I’m just looking for some different perspectives from people who might have had similar experiences.

Poor lad! I imagine the hostility from your wife is adding to his behaviour, imagine being unwanted by your own mum and your aunt who adopted you!
Has he ever received any counselling at all?
Young minds has advice for parents and can signpost you in the direction for any support that may be available to him.
Not sure what to advise re your relationship. If it came to it what would you do, save your marriage and see him on the streets to a life of addiction and homelessness, or split with your wife and continue to support him?

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/

He sounds like a typical teenager for some of what you described but he's had a tough start in life too. He will be picking up on your wife's feelings towards him though and it will make it worse as he'll feel he has no place he's wanted and then his behavior will get worse .

Who is hearing most of the brunt of his current behaviour? Because if it's your wife who is most negatively affected, I can see why she's had enough. It's not that she doesn't live or want him - it's that long term bad behaviour can be very difficult to live with and different people have different tolerance levels.
Possibly she thinks that threats can make him behave better.

I think you all need some family counselling - maybe his background is a factor or maybe he's just your typical lazy arse teen. I do know people who've been driven to the brink by their own biological kids behaviour so your wife may not necessarily have been different in her approach had he been your biological child.

If you disagree with your wife's stance, what do you think would be a better way to handle this?

Presumably you've tried setting boundaries already?

His behaviours aren't trivial teenage crap - stealing from you and employers for example. Smoking weed is very common, but is he occasionally smoking with mates or smoking at home habitually?

Do you still have input from social services? I would contact them for advice/support and a discussion about his future. They might have some semi-independent living type accommodation that he can move towards? I know someone who went to one in my area at 18.

Once he's 18 he can move out and behave how he wants

He's an adult then so no longer your responsibility to house I suppose

Hopefully that'll make him more responsible paying for his own bills etc

He'll then certainly appreciate you more and hopefully you can build a better relationship together

The state will house him, maybe he'll need supported housing which is available especially as you have only informally adopted him so it'll make it easier for him to get it

Thanks for your responses. My wife and I are both dealing with his behaviour in equal amounts. He’s not actually that abusive in his nature and most people thinks he’s a really sweet kid. He’s just very impulsive with a poorly develop moral compass when it comes to honesty.
We have tried setting boundaries such as a 2230 curfew at night which has curbed some of his bad associations and he says he doesn’t smoke weed as much – I hardly ever smell it on him TBH now.
We no longer have any input from social services since he stared living with us, and looking at the kind of problems they usually deal with I’m pretty certain we’d be quite far down their list of priorities.
I work in frontline healthcare and I’m not convinced that he would be housed and may end up homeless or at risk from opportunistic criminals as a vulnerable person.

I definitely wouldn't throw him out. That's a level of action I'd only take if he was violent or on serious drugs and you felt your home/safety was threatened. That said, when he reaches 18 you could explore rehousing options unless he agrees to reasonable house rules - but I certainly wouldn't just wash my hands and let him get on with it. Hopefully your new rules combined with him getting older will help

Since you have brought him us as your own son since he was six, his early childhood problems with his natural mother shouldn't be a reason or excuse for his bad behaviour now.

I would suggest that both of you should be very tough with him for his smoking weed, stealing money, general dishonesty, lying etc, but allow him some of his normal teenager behaviour.

As you took care of him, you are his nearest and it would be a shame that after 12 years it comes to nothing.

Your wife is the boy's aunt, but I find it nice of you to be more sympathetic to him. Make it a success for all three of you out your efforts, not a failure.

I think his early childhood is definitely a reason for his behaviour, his mother, the person that every child loves unfailingly, left him. That’s a HUGE emotional burden for a child that will last a life time.

Would he be open to therapy?

Have you talked through his stealing? Could he go into education? What does he like doing/want to do with his life?

I had a rough patch with my lad about the same age.

Id keep reminding him, that’s he’s nearly an adult, he can live independently soon if he wants but that you want him to stay with you.

How does he picture the next 5 years working out? How would he like to live? I’d suggest talking about how you’ll help him learn how to be an independent adult and live alone.

and how you can either all enjoy your time and these precious last few years of living together and enjoy him becoming an adult and almost living as a house share with you guys, or he can destruct that and make the next few years misery.

Id keep reminding him he’s nearly an adult. And you’ll treat him as one if he behaves as one.

As for your Dwife, maybe she could speak to someone and get to the bottom of why she’s so resentful and angry towards him as he’s already experienced mother rejection and now this will be massively triggering that, as it’s happening all over again.

The more I talked and love bombed my son the better he became.

Does your wife have a relationship with her sister? Is she perhaps trying to downplay how crap a parent she was and the impact it has had on the boy? I think getting professional and therapy support would be good.

My wife's relationship with 17 year-olds Mother (her sister) is even more toxic. They are barely on speaking terms from various events in their past. My wife is triggered by the 17 year-olds behaviour because it reminds her of her sister's behaviour. Both their Mum and Dad died in a car crash when my wife was 13 and her sister 4. My wife obviously has a few issues from this but has largely been successful in her life. Her sister has suffered with what I think is probably borderline personality disorder for most of her life. My wife refuses to acknowledge the impact their bereavement has had on her sisters life, and now refuses to acknowledge the impact his mother's poor parenting has had on the 17 year-old's life. It's extremely frustrating for me (understatement of the century).

As harsh as it sounds you've done your bit

You made sure he had a safe environment growing up

He'll be an adult age 18

You'll still be around but he needs to move out and forge his own way in the world

Lots of DC have to move out at 18 regardless whatever the reason

Contact your local children's services they may help with early intervention. He doesn't sound too far down the path but stealing from you and employers and smoking weed are on the path to crime prevention type work so ask about this.

If he's at school/college speak to them too. Ultimately if he's smoking weed and stealing etc you need to try and get to the bottom of what he's trying to get from it, and tackle that a better way. So keep communication open and ask him these things.
Let him know it's not acceptable but what's causing the issues, and try and figure out a way to deal with it better together.

You sound like a really emotionally intelligent and kind person, OP.
First and foremost I would not see any of these behaviours as unusual, albeit they are at the other end of a wide and varied spectrum of a well balanced, well behaved teen.
I have a real problem in general with children being labelled as adults at 18, which is the law of the land but personally I'd raise it to 21. It has been proven that young people's brains are not fully developed until age 25. How PP can be so dismissive by saying he is an adult at 18 so you can just (in effect) chuck him out is appalling. The only fact there is he is likely to end up homeless, on drugs, in the wrong social circles, and thus wasting all the years and effort you're put into bringing him up to be a decent member of society. Please don't give up on him now.
The situation your wife is difficult, as will dealing with her sister who you think has BPD - I know how impossible this is to deal with as I've lived with it (now exH). One of the traits is looking for rejection in everyone close to them, and DBT is a therapy that has been proven to help.
First and foremost you need some sort of family counselling, or even just counselling and support for your wife and yourself.
I also hate to being in the neurodiversity word as I think it's bandied around too often these days, but could his behaviour and impulsivity possibly be ADHD related? Does he have BPD traits himself? It's very possible he has suffered trauma from the rejection by his mother, and then again by your wife? I don't know what else to add other than to wish you the very best of luck for the future.

I think your wife might be reacting to constantly having to pick up after her sister's mess and unfortunately the relationship she has with her nephew has gotten all mixed up in that. Your wife needs to feel supported as well, so try mit to judge her negatively even though you disagree with her stance - she has lost her parents as a young girl, had a problematic sister, taken on her sister's child (when she might jot have chosen to have a child at that point in her life), and now he's behaving like her sister did and triggering all those old emotions. She probably feels like she has had no control over her own life since the age of 13!
She's done her best by her nephew and it's still all going pear shaped!
You guys really do need some therapy to untangle it all. In the meantime let her know that you are hearing her and not judging her even though you disagree on the best method for dealing with your nephew.

This sounds like some intergenerational trauma. Both your wife and your 17 year old have lost parents in traumatic circumstances.

Would your wife consider family counselling?

I feel sorry for your wife

I'd love to hear her side of the issue