13 year stuggles with friendships

[User125179313]

This will be a long one so thank you to anyone who reads it all...

My 13 year DS seems to have struggled with friendships since primary. He was accused of bullying by another boy in year 3 because DS was saying things that he considered to be banter but were obviously upsetting to the other child. I got the impression DS wasn't particularly liked by this class mates. We signed him up to a few online classes during covid about friendships etc but they made no difference.
His best friend (E) moved 2 hours away before the end of primary. Since starting secondary school my DS hasn't really made any new friends; he spends all his spare time playing online with E and with E's new friends from school. We've tried to encourage him to make new friends at school rather than only playing online with these kids who live far away. It was his E's birthday recently, and DS wasn't invited. DS made out like he wasn't bothered but I saw messages between him and another mutual friend where it was clear he wasn't invited on purpose (although the messages didn't say why). I know DS would have been very disappointed by this. I also saw messages between DS and one of E's friends where there were arguing. They were both being rude but I found DS's messages particularly offensive (in one message he said that he was 'in a difficult place and feeling sad' but I don't know if this was just trying to excuse his rudeness). He also called another one of E's friends fat. I assume this is part of the reason E didn't invite him to his birthday. We've always tried to teach DS to treat people how you want to be treated, and that there is a big difference between banter and just being offensive but clearly it's fallen on deaf ears. I think DS can be quite clingy and a bit suffocating in friendships, and if he thinks he's being ignored, he becomes rude and insulting. It makes me so sad that he's turned out like this and I really don't know what to do. I feel that talking to him won't make a difference and I worry he will end up with no friends at all. I'm wondering if counselling might be good for him but otherwise I'm at a loss 😟

Thank you if you have read this far!!

[NoProblems]

Sorry to read about your son's problems with friendships. It seems his nature and insensitivity are causing the problems. He might mature in the next year and be more careful. How does he get on with his parents? You need to have a frank discussion with him to find the root cause. He might have a particular problem he has not revealed to you.

Did/does E regard your son as his best or close friend? It would be a good idea to arrange for them to meet up from time to time at weekends.

[Michiamo]

Does your DS do any clubs outside of school? Music/cadets/sport?

I think sometimes these relationships are easier to develop plus as it’s usually a once a week activity there’s less pressure. Also good for teamwork etc.

[User125179313]

@NoProblems

Sorry to read about your son's problems with friendships. It seems his nature and insensitivity are causing the problems. He might mature in the next year and be more careful. How does he get on with his parents? You need to have a frank discussion with him to find the root cause. He might have a particular problem he has not revealed to you.

Did/does E regard your son as his best or close friend? It would be a good idea to arrange for them to meet up from time to time at weekends.

Thank you for replying.

We have spoken to him several times about how his behaviour may put people off being friends with him. He says all the right things at the time and seems to understand but obviously hasn’t really changed.

E has moved on with his new friends. I believe he still regards DS as a friend but clearly isn’t as bothered anymore about meeting up etc as he has new friends at his school & closer to home now.

We’ve been trying to encourage DS to make more of an effort with boys in his own school but he doesn’t seem interested. I think he just finds it easier to play with E & his friends online rather than make an effort to make new friends.

[User125179313]

@Michiamo

Does your DS do any clubs outside of school? Music/cadets/sport?

I think sometimes these relationships are easier to develop plus as it’s usually a once a week activity there’s less pressure. Also good for teamwork etc.

Thank you for the reply.
He does football only at the moment. We’ve tried to encourage other activities but he says no to everything else. We’ve also suggested he invite some boys from football over but he said that ‘he doesn’t know them well enough’.
He will have an opportunity in year 9 to either do the DofE or join the cadets through school so we’re going to tell him that he has to do one or the other.

[Michiamo]

@User125179313 that’s good that he’s playing football and enjoying it.

It’s so hard as a parent when there are friendship troubles.

[NoProblems]

As long as he is happy at home and doesn't have other problems, hopefully he will mature and change his attitude and behaviour regarding friendships.

[Mushroomwithaview]

I think we very often tell children to "be nice" or "make friends" but they do not know how to do that. I guess when we lived in a more connected society, either the friend group was ready-made or children could watch their parents socialise and learn from them. That often doesn't happen now. Some children genuinely do not know what it means to "be nice" and "make friends". It's not an innate skill for everyone. They need explicit instructions on how to do it.

[waterrat]

Hi Op - that sounds tough for your son and you - is it possible he is neurodiverse ? (my own child is and I recognise the struggles)

[3luckystars]

I agree with that. Would you consider an assessment?

[muckcook]

My son is 16 and is to some degree like this but definitely was the same as your son at that age

Would take rejection or banter very badly but would dish it out harshly. Not a winning combo

He does have ADHD but the diagnoses made zero difference to his inability to maintain friendships. A lot of the behaviour he has grown out of and does now have some friends but he's on the periphery with most of them

I'm hoping as he reaches adulthood he'll mature further and make more friends

[KeenMintCrow]

unfortunately, as many a mumsnet thread will testify, some people just do fundamentally struggle to carve out solid friendships OP

[User125179313]

@Mushroomwithaview

I think we very often tell children to "be nice" or "make friends" but they do not know how to do that. I guess when we lived in a more connected society, either the friend group was ready-made or children could watch their parents socialise and learn from them. That often doesn't happen now. Some children genuinely do not know what it means to "be nice" and "make friends". It's not an innate skill for everyone. They need explicit instructions on how to do it.

I think this is very true. Covid obviously didn't help with this. It was so different when I was young as mobiles weren't a thing and our parents would get annoyed at us hogging the land line so my friends and I were always keen to meet up. It feels like all the time he spends gaming and online doesn't develop the same social skills. We've tried to be brutally honest with him. So far it's made no difference but we'll persevere.

[User125179313]

@waterrat

Hi Op - that sounds tough for your son and you - is it possible he is neurodiverse ? (my own child is and I recognise the struggles)

To be honest we have considered this often as he has a few other 'oddities' in the things he does, and lots of little fidgety habits. We discussed it with his primary school a few years ago but they didn't consider anything he did to be enough to warrant a referral...

[User125179313]

@3luckystars

I agree with that. Would you consider an assessment?

We did eventually get a CAMHS referral when he was in primary but they discharged him almost immediately on the basis that nothing he did was 'that bad', and they said they didn't have the resources to see everyone. I'm not sure what else to do.

[User125179313]

@muckcook

My son is 16 and is to some degree like this but definitely was the same as your son at that age

Would take rejection or banter very badly but would dish it out harshly. Not a winning combo

He does have ADHD but the diagnoses made zero difference to his inability to maintain friendships. A lot of the behaviour he has grown out of and does now have some friends but he's on the periphery with most of them

I'm hoping as he reaches adulthood he'll mature further and make more friends

That sounds exactly like my son. We've been brutally honest with him and told him that is a sure way to lose friends, and he doesn't have a big circle of friends anyway. I really hope he grows out of it. My friend's son doesn't have many friends but it's a choice for him as he prefers his own company whereas I know my son wants to have friends (especially as he sees his older cousins going out with friends all the time), so I'm hoping that desire will eventually make him realise he has to change the way he treats people.

[User125179313]

@KeenMintCrow

unfortunately, as many a mumsnet thread will testify, some people just do fundamentally struggle to carve out solid friendships OP

Sad but true. As parents we try our best to teach and show them social skills but there is unfortunately only so much we can do.