Holiday abroad thoughts

[Blendiful]

Please give me some perspective from your point of view.
DD is 18 in June. Her dad wants to book her a weekend abroad, just her and her bf alone. He is only 18 end of August. He is lovely and seems sensible but they are both in my opinion very young 18s.
DD goes to college in the next city, she is late EVERY day without fail, if I didn’t wake her, she’d be even later. Even when woke in time she never leaves the house on time.
She works, but a 0 hour contract in a job where she does maybe 6 hours on a good weekend (I found her this job, she got sacked from her last one for not bothering to go, a job I also found her).
She reckons she’s having a ‘gap year’ when she finishes college, when asked what this means she says unsure, just work. She is encouraged to look for other jobs, she doesn’t, or applies for things unsuitable (e.g. bar work when she’s not yet 18!)
She may fail college, who knows she seems to do very little work. She failed her maths gcse and again last year in re sit as she didn’t attend lessons as late daily. She’ll fail again this year as still not attending so no maths gcse. When I have discussed this with her her response is always 'I'll pass it it'll be fine' she didn't pass it the 2 other times she said this! But for some reason still believes she can pass it even though she's doing nothing different.

I am almost certain she has ASD but can’t get diagnosed until 18. Not that diagnosis makes a difference really. But more how her ASD presents she needs lots of additional help.

To add to this around 2 years ago she was raped on holiday when away with dad and then was pregnant end of last year and went through termination. Both of which supporting her to report to police and termination I supported her with. Her dad doesn't know about the termination as her wishes were for him not to know.

She now smokes AND vapes neither of which she can afford. She is given £35 a week for college dinners (it’s her dad's maintenance I ask him to send direct to her) she is always asking for more money as she spends it and runs out, she is only at college 3 days so that's almost £12 per day. She also has her wages (which fluctuate) on top of this to do what she wants with, and I buy her things still and provide money for activities if she asks.

She can’t schedule her own GP appt, or anything for herself really she needs my support with all of these things.

So, I have said not a good idea. It’s too risky, she can’t organise herself and will likely miss a flight, get stranded, lose her passport (she already lost one in the UK when she took it to a festival). I can’t be that parent having to travel abroad to either collect her, see her in hospital or worse, in a morgue! May seem dramatic but honestly she can barely do anything alone.

He thinks I am being unreasonable and she has to learn and this is how she learns. I think the risk is too high and her safety is my priority. I have said book a uk break for them where we can get to them if needed. Or, she has been told if she can prove betweeen now and a bit before they would go she can be more responsible, get to college on time more, manage her money better and maybe take a UK trip for a day/night which she plans and sorts then we can talk about it again. She just says 'I'll be fine and I don't need to do that' her dad just tells her 'your mum says you can't go'

What do you think? Am I being OTT and she does have to learn, or am I justified?

I realise she is 18 and I can't really stop her, but my thoughts are if she was 18 with a full time job (when she finishes college) saves up, books and plans and holiday herself she would have a certain level of maturity to do all that anyway so that's a different scenario. However getting it paid for, booked and organised to an extent by someone else means she has to have no responsibility over it at all.

[Octavia64]

Does she actually want to go abroad with her bf?

If I were you I'd say your dh it's worth checking she does actually want to go before booking somewhere.

None of my teens would have liked me to book a holiday for them.

[MaloneMeadow]

How do you expect her to go out into the world and learn to function on her own if you wrap her up in cotton wool? A holiday abroad without parents is a great way for teens to learn life skills - you’re massively overreacting.

[Blendiful]

@Octavia64

Does she actually want to go abroad with her bf?

If I were you I'd say your dh it's worth checking she does actually want to go before booking somewhere.

None of my teens would have liked me to book a holiday for them.

She would like to go but can't explain how you manage a holiday. I want her to go. But safely and to know she can manage it.

[Blendiful]

@MaloneMeadow

How do you expect her to go out into the world and learn to function on her own if you wrap her up in cotton wool? A holiday abroad without parents is a great way for teens to learn life skills - you’re massively overreacting.

She certainly isn't wrapped up in cotton wool.
She is allowed to do plenty independently, the problem is when we try to leave her to it, it goes wrong often and sometimes spectacularly so.
A holiday abroad is in my opinion a totally different thing with many risks and she needs to demonstrate a level of responsibility to manage it. If she can do that I have no problem with her going.

[Nextbitoflife]

I appreciate she has had an awful experience which understandably makes you more protective of her. But please try not to let this limit what she is able to do - that feels very unfair. She has to find her own way and 18 is definitely old enough to travel by yourself. Not the same but my DS at younger than that age had a sort of learned helplessness where his brain just wasn’t switched on when it came to getting to college, train times etc etc. He traveled by himself to the states to see family aged 15, had to change flights - managed amazingly - it was like he could switch that part of his brain on when needed. Let her go, you will worry but that’s normal too!

[Octavia64]

If you are worried about how she will cope it's worth thinking about how you could support her with other experiences to get to the point where she could cope.

Ignore all the stuff about vaping and being late that's just standard teen stuff.

Can she cope with public transport? Has she ever been on a train or plane?

Can she handle booking into a hotel/AirBnB?

If you are worried about her going abroad then maybe she could do a weekend away in the U.K. first.

But you should absolutely not rescue her from any situations that develop unless she is in danger of life or limb (and you should probably also teach her how to deal with some common ones)