Terrible argument

[Heni1970]

My DS was out Saturday night, really pushing boundaries, delaying text responses and not coming come when he said. I was worried sick. It was nearly 2am. When he finally got back, I took his charging cable on the basis of “if you can’t use your phone properly you won’t be needing this” - seems to the only consequence that works - and then he started shouting about stuff (some to do with his ex) and the told me to off at which point I saw red and clouted him one, not hard, with a “don’t ever speak to me like that again”. I was then mortified and have apologised for that, saying I’m an adult and should control emotion better, but won’t apologise for “over worrying” which is “my problem” as he put it. He’s giving me the silent treatment which I can deal with but he’s also deliberately staying out late, maybe to provoke me or get a reaction, I don’t know. And I genuinely don’t know whether I should text him to tell him it’s late and he should come home (which he could use as a power play?) or leave it and not hassle him (which may make him think I do t care enough?) I’m at a loss to know what to for the best - rise above it and wait for this to blow over, or set the boundaries even though he’ll ignore them and give out consequences (mainly taking electronics away…) He is 17 which makes my action worse so I’m racked with guilt and worried that if I let on or act guilty, he’ll just eat me alive!

Any ideas please?! X

I have no advice but my 14yo dd knows how to push my buttons. We occasionally have massive bust up which ends in nasty things being said out of anger.

Maybe sit him down and explain why you got so angry?

It’s so hard isn’t it. Taking phones away is the only thing I have as well x

If he was 14 I'd understand your argument.

He's basically an adult. He's doing what 17 year olds do. He can presumably go and buy his own charging cable. I think YABU really.

He’s 17!

Why does he have a curfew? I think you’ve over reacted, and the nastiness is really uncalled for.

Apologise, have a conversation and set out some boundaries while he’s living with you but if him coming home late at 17 years old is the biggest problem you have I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job as a parent!

Is his dad around? How does he treat him?

He's 17.
He is of an age when he needs to be making some of these decisions for himself.

Don't treat him like a 14 year old.

So, sit down and agree that it is up to him what time he comes home BUT these are the house rules:
(for example) - speak with respect (goes both ways)

• no telling the other to F off.
• If he is going to be home after midnight, he must text a time, and if that changes text a new time.
• You need to know roughly where he is

and so on.

I would work on a school night v. weekend night.

But stop nagging.
If your house rule is home by 12, and he breaks it, then there is a consequence. Don't chase him at 9:30, 10:00, 10:30 etc. Tell him the consequence before he leaves. Then he is responsible for his own choices.

Thanks for that - I think this is why this escalated, because we have set those boundaries and keeps pushing them so this time I applied consequences that actually bother him. I hadn’t been chasing him as such, but putting it the way you have has made me reflect on why it was that I got so worked up. It was when he swore at me, because we don’t swear as a household, and then my own sense of “that’s unfair” took over, and it was nearly 3am by then and tiredness got the better of me. Thank you for your considered response.

Thank you, and you’re right. It’s not a major thing, just something that escalated in the middle of the night, he doesn’t have a curfew, I’ve just asked him to manage expectations a bit when he goes on his bike and “forgets” the helmet and with headphones in.

Thank you so much for being kind x

Why is every poster ignoring the fact that you ‘clouted’ (hit) ur son🤔

None of my teenagers had a time they had to be home at 17. We stuck to the convention of them letting me know what was happening - whether they’d be home at some point or staying over. They knew I’d worry if I didn’t know what their plans were, so were all pretty good at keeping me in the loop (except when phones were out of battery or signal, which kept me awake on more than one occasion - part and parcel of parenting teens!)

OP you need to have a good talk with him when you are calm and apologise. At 17 he is a young man who shouldn’t be clouted by his mum or have his charging cable removed.
Give him a massive hug and tell him you love him and clear the air.
I also don’t think 17 year olds should have a curfew.

I think it's quite unusual to have a curfew at 17.

When I read your post I thought you were talking about a much younger child.

At 18 he might well be moving out to uni or to a shared house and he should be well on the road to adulthood by this point. Part of that is learning that if he stays up late he'll be tired the next morning.

You seem to be putting systems in place that are normally for a younger teen so I'm not surprised he is kicking against them.

He is 17 so I think you need to give him more autonomy. The more you try to set boundaries, it sounds, the more he pushes against them. He probably feels it's unfair if his friend's parents are more lenient.

I think it's unacceptable to remove a charging lead because you're upset / worried. It has nothing to do with his behaviour and seems spiteful to me.

I'd try instead to ask him to message you when he's out late. Then you will have an idea when he'll be home. I used to say, I pay for your phone (if you do), therefore I expect you to use it to contact me.

Also, don't stay up - you do get used to sleeping while they're out after a while. I did anyway. If he's waking you on return or staying out late when he has school/ college / work the next day, then that's not reasonable.

But negotiate, don't dictate.

You're not a sweary household but you use violence to your son?

Right okay.

He's 17.. this is ridiculous helicopter parenting. And really unfair on him.

Because she knows she shouldn’t have, feels terrible, and maybe we don’t want to put the boot in even more.

I can relate as my oldest has just turned 17, it's hard, but I have had to let go a bit! He has already left school and is working and studying, the majority of his friends are over 18 and working, they mostly all have cars, etc, so telling him "Be home by midnight" is not realistic.

He also doesn't like me messaging him while he's out, so we have agreed for him to just message by a certain time - ie 10PM - to let me know when he will be home, then if it ends up being later he will message to let me know it's changed. Or if he ends up staying at a friends place. I still worry about him when he's out, but he is good at staying in touch now. Depends on your kid I guess, but mine does respond pretty well to just hearing "I love you and just need to know your ok" and he sort of rolls his eyes and is like, "Yeah, I know." At this age I am mostly trying to go by the theory - if you want to be treated like an almost adult you need to act like one and be considerate.

Though I do feel like I get less sleep then when he was a baby currently as when he's out on the weekend I'm always half listening out for him to message or come home!

I'm getting a lot of judgement for having "a curfew" which we don't, I talked about boundaries (him not returning when he said he would) and managing expectations so we're not worried. No one confines him, but he's not yet an adult, he is in 6th form and needs to learn to manage time, responsibility and also people - do none of you have rules around what your children can and can't do? I fully acknowledged my reaction was so bad, it was 3am and he was verbally abusive, and I have apologised profusely to him for that! I'm parenting two teenagers alone, with all the extra that this entails and managing a tiring full time job and a home. But I can't apologise for having an expectation as a parent that he will agree to a boundary and then stick to it OR get in touch to just let me know what is happening so I'm not worried.

I was simply asking advice about the follow-up, which is that he was continuing to do the same, ignoring the above boundary, and clearly I can't "ground him", so I am simply trying to rise above it get through this time, reflecting that maybe what he means by me "Caring too much" might mean I'm actually over-protective and need to take a massive chill-pill. But he goes out on his bike, with his headphones on and no bike helmet, which I do insist on, and he's late on a week night.

So if anyone has any ideas or advice for that, then please do share. There's no such thing as perfect parenting and we all make mistakes, and other than 2-3 constructive comments for which I've given thanks, it's all about the judgement. Thanks for the support and understanding...

Thank you, you're right, I do need to less over-protective which I've reflected on over the past day, it's more the safety aspect, but like you said, we can't make them do much at all without their agreement, so it's about finding better ways to negotiate that.

Yes I think you're right about the systems, that more about me thinking that taking his cable / tech will work for a 17 year old... We don't have curfews though, just an agreement around "what time do you reckon you'll be back, ok just keep me posted so I don't worry". Maybe I need to just let the odd thing go even if it's "the boundary" and pick the battles more carefully.

Yes it was a silly consequence, and on reflection I realise I need to take in more the fact he's not a child. The vast majority of the times relationships are very good, but the lateness thing is getting worse and it's impacting on his attendance at 6th form, so it felt I should tackle it. A massive and inappropriate overreaction though, it's true.

Thank you for being kind and understanding.

My son is now 21, but at that age he was pulling trying to pull away and be independant, and at the same time, he needed the love and support of home.
The end result is a lot of getting cross with me when I made any expectations on him, because he wanted to be able to make a decision by himself.

What did work was sitting down and basically saying - you are nearly and adult and in one year you will be off to uni.
so, while you are here and have us as a safety back up, now is the time to learn how to do some of that independance.
So let's start again, as 2 adults and here is the deal
I won't nag, you are free to come home when you like
But if you come home at 3 am and have to get up at 6 for colleg, then that is on you, you will be the one that is tired, and I will be up and making noises at the usual time.
When living with other people it is corteous to let them know where you are and if you are coming home, or staying out. It is also good for me to know roughly when you will be home as then I know when to come and find you in hospital.
Give a rough time, and text me if it changes, but I will not nag.

and so on.
Re frame it, start again.
But part of that is - you are pretty much an adult, so please behave like one when it comes to swearing, and how you speak to me. And in return I will try and speka to you more as an adult too.

I found he responded really well to that and it helped us move to a more adult understanding.

Absolutely second this, as mum and teacher of older teens. You know you were in the wrong, as we all are sometimes, and you’ve given him a bit of space while the silent treatment is going on. Now’s the time for both of you to heal the breach. Your part of that will be to apologise for your actions the other night and own your behaviour. He needs to reflect on his part too and you both need to have an honest conversation about how to move on. It is very powerful when adults apologise and hopefully he will respond to you modelling mature emotional behaviour and respond, even if he isn’t able/ready yet to be aware of his part in how it all escalated.

I have found that sending a text sometimes opens up the communication with this age group, when talking can lead to another blow-up.

Finally, I know I’ve said and sometimes done things that I’m not proud of in my family relationships. Coming on here, asking for advice and opening yourself up to criticism is hard and you wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t want to try and repair the situation and make things better.