My DS was out Saturday night, really pushing boundaries, delaying text responses and not coming come when he said. I was worried sick. It was nearly 2am. When he finally got back, I took his charging cable on the basis of “if you can’t use your phone properly you won’t be needing this” - seems to the only consequence that works - and then he started shouting about stuff (some to do with his ex) and the told me to off at which point I saw red and clouted him one, not hard, with a “don’t ever speak to me like that again”. I was then mortified and have apologised for that, saying I’m an adult and should control emotion better, but won’t apologise for “over worrying” which is “my problem” as he put it. He’s giving me the silent treatment which I can deal with but he’s also deliberately staying out late, maybe to provoke me or get a reaction, I don’t know. And I genuinely don’t know whether I should text him to tell him it’s late and he should come home (which he could use as a power play?) or leave it and not hassle him (which may make him think I do t care enough?) I’m at a loss to know what to for the best - rise above it and wait for this to blow over, or set the boundaries even though he’ll ignore them and give out consequences (mainly taking electronics away…) He is 17 which makes my action worse so I’m racked with guilt and worried that if I let on or act guilty, he’ll just eat me alive!
Any ideas please?! X
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Teenagers
Terrible argument
Heni1970 · 04/03/2024 23:02
steppemum · 05/03/2024 19:27
He's 17.
He is of an age when he needs to be making some of these decisions for himself.
Don't treat him like a 14 year old.
So, sit down and agree that it is up to him what time he comes home BUT these are the house rules:
(for example) - speak with respect (goes both ways)
- no telling the other to F off.
- If he is going to be home after midnight, he must text a time, and if that changes text a new time.
- You need to know roughly where he is
and so on.
I would work on a school night v. weekend night.
But stop nagging.
If your house rule is home by 12, and he breaks it, then there is a consequence. Don't chase him at 9:30, 10:00, 10:30 etc. Tell him the consequence before he leaves. Then he is responsible for his own choices.
Piscesmumma1978 · 05/03/2024 15:04
I have no advice but my 14yo dd knows how to push my buttons. We occasionally have massive bust up which ends in nasty things being said out of anger.
Maybe sit him down and explain why you got so angry?
It’s so hard isn’t it. Taking phones away is the only thing I have as well x
DaughterNo2 · 05/03/2024 22:28
Why is every poster ignoring the fact that you ‘clouted’ (hit) ur son🤔
Onelifeonly · 05/03/2024 22:36
He is 17 so I think you need to give him more autonomy. The more you try to set boundaries, it sounds, the more he pushes against them. He probably feels it's unfair if his friend's parents are more lenient.
I think it's unacceptable to remove a charging lead because you're upset / worried. It has nothing to do with his behaviour and seems spiteful to me.
I'd try instead to ask him to message you when he's out late. Then you will have an idea when he'll be home. I used to say, I pay for your phone (if you do), therefore I expect you to use it to contact me.
Also, don't stay up - you do get used to sleeping while they're out after a while. I did anyway. If he's waking you on return or staying out late when he has school/ college / work the next day, then that's not reasonable.
But negotiate, don't dictate.
Octavia64 · 05/03/2024 22:35
I think it's quite unusual to have a curfew at 17.
When I read your post I thought you were talking about a much younger child.
At 18 he might well be moving out to uni or to a shared house and he should be well on the road to adulthood by this point. Part of that is learning that if he stays up late he'll be tired the next morning.
You seem to be putting systems in place that are normally for a younger teen so I'm not surprised he is kicking against them.
Onelifeonly · 05/03/2024 22:36
He is 17 so I think you need to give him more autonomy. The more you try to set boundaries, it sounds, the more he pushes against them. He probably feels it's unfair if his friend's parents are more lenient.
I think it's unacceptable to remove a charging lead because you're upset / worried. It has nothing to do with his behaviour and seems spiteful to me.
I'd try instead to ask him to message you when he's out late. Then you will have an idea when he'll be home. I used to say, I pay for your phone (if you do), therefore I expect you to use it to contact me.
Also, don't stay up - you do get used to sleeping while they're out after a while. I did anyway. If he's waking you on return or staying out late when he has school/ college / work the next day, then that's not reasonable.
But negotiate, don't dictate.
xxwinterxx · 06/03/2024 07:17
I can relate as my oldest has just turned 17, it's hard, but I have had to let go a bit! He has already left school and is working and studying, the majority of his friends are over 18 and working, they mostly all have cars, etc, so telling him "Be home by midnight" is not realistic.
He also doesn't like me messaging him while he's out, so we have agreed for him to just message by a certain time - ie 10PM - to let me know when he will be home, then if it ends up being later he will message to let me know it's changed. Or if he ends up staying at a friends place. I still worry about him when he's out, but he is good at staying in touch now. Depends on your kid I guess, but mine does respond pretty well to just hearing "I love you and just need to know your ok" and he sort of rolls his eyes and is like, "Yeah, I know." At this age I am mostly trying to go by the theory - if you want to be treated like an almost adult you need to act like one and be considerate.
Though I do feel like I get less sleep then when he was a baby currently as when he's out on the weekend I'm always half listening out for him to message or come home!
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